Cluj-ing at straws
Thu Oct 02 08:53AM
Early Doors found itself in a bit of a pickle last night.
On the one hand, it wanted to see Chelsea subjected to a humiliating defeat. On the other, it harboured a profound desire never to see or hear the Cheeky Girls again. So nil-nil wasn't a bad compromise.
It seemed like the sinister Romanian twins had left the public eye after a glittering pop career that saw them rack up a staggering UK four top 10 singles - one more than Pink Floyd - to spend more time boffing Liberal Democrat MPs (well, one of them is. Which one? It really doesn't matter).
But as they were born in Cluj, the publicity-hungry Transylvanians have made hay out of their home town club's qualification for the Champions League.
They spent all day yesterday on the TV, wearing plastic fangs and imploring the players to take their shirts off after scoring.
Nauseating stuff. And don't they know that's an automatic yellow card?
Given the dubious nature of the town's most famous musical export, Cluj were presumably relieved that the British media had a whole host of vampire references to distract them.
You cannot open a newspaper this morning without reading about Chelsea failing to draw blood, losing their bite or just plain sucking.
From there, it was a short step to tortured analogies about Chelsea having shirts the colour of sunrise, injuries driving a stake through their chances or Luiz Felipe Scolari Bram Stok-ing the fires with his half-time changes.
Why not just send out Florent Malouda with a string of garlic around his neck?
Cluj didn't seem to mind very much, with their fans even unveiling a tribute banner to their midfielder Juan Culio that called him 'Draculio'.
One man unswayed by all this vampiric silliness was Five Live's Steve Claridge, who voiced more earthly concerns when he complained about the BBC's failure to put him up in a five star hotel.
- - -
Just hours after having his goal drought mocked by Early Doors, Robbie Keane finally got off the mark for Liverpool against PSV.
Keane took 11 games to find the net, a positively cheetah-like start compared with Peter Crouch, who needed exactly twice as many matches to locate the onion bag.
On a night of landmarks, Steven Gerrard completed his century of goals for the club.
It was said to be fitting that he would reach three figures with a 30-yard piledriver, but Early Doors would probably describe it as inevitable, given that screamers have made up something like 92 of his 100 strikes.
Last night also marked the 1000th unnecessary personnel change of Rafa Benitez's reign (Aurelio for Dossena) and Alvaro Arbeloa's 50th appearance without making a noticeable contribution.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "As a lifelong fan and former chairman of Watford, I feel I must now express my deep dismay about what is happening at the club ... Voices other than my own have already asked the question of what has happened to the money from the sale of some of our best players and the parachute payments." Elton John voices his displeasure about goings-on at Watford. You know you're in trouble when the pop stars get involved. Who would have thought that relegation from the Premier League would cause a drop in revenues? Stick to the singing, Elton. And the massive pink wigs.
FOREIGN VIEW: In the absence of any juicy gossip in the foreign pages, ED found its head turned by the headline 'Man punches shark to save dog':
A US man saved his pet dog from a shark attack by jumping into the water and punching the predator in the neck.
Greg LeNoir took his two-year-old terrier Jake for his daily swim at a Florida marina when a five-foot shark surfaced and bit the dog.
Mr LeNoir yelled and jumped into the water to save his dog, the Miami Herald reports.
''I clenched my fists and dove straight in with all my strength, like a battering ram,'' Mr LeNoir, 53, said. "I hit the back of the shark's neck. It was like hitting concrete."
COMING UP: It could just be the rummest piece of match scheduling since Barcelona kicked off against Sevilla at five past midnight a couple of years ago. Tottenham's UEFA Cup tie at Wisla Krakow gets under way at the inexplicable hour of 14.40 UK time (twenty to four local time). On a Thursday. Why? Surely they have floodlights? And even if they don't, why twenty to? Swansea and Cardiff will go one better next month when they make like hungover pub players and kick off on Sunday morning.
Anyway, the upside is that you can follow our excellent minute-by-minute text commentary without having to leave your desk.
Also playing nondescript UEFA Cup opposition: Aston Villa, Everton, Manchester City, Portsmouth and Motherwell.
Can i just say, keane has shoved nothing down anyones throats, he scored 1 in 11 games thats very poor for a centre foward. Hes a very experienced prem player, torres wasn't, but he notched in his 1st game i think.
From jay8my on Thu Oct 02 09:58AMnot bad ED. the chelsea-cluj related stuff was hilarious but you would have done better to have avoided the Liverpool bashing.! it was a poor anti-climax. if it was funny then by all means but it wasn't even vaguely interesting.! ED just ended up looking like an indignant arsenal or man.u fan.! tut.tut.!
overall 6/10.
From alecblack on Thu Oct 02 09:58AMm_kingswell - Early Doors has said previously that they are not "scummers" fans - but perhaps you are right, maybe they are Evertonians and are a tad bitter still....
as you would of course if you got hammered like that! haha
but they will never swallow their pride - they seem to be swallowing all the other garbage, lies and misinformation they find already - cant fit it in ;)
From kantong_wokster on Thu Oct 02 09:59AM"Early Doors found itself in a bit of a pickle last night.
On the one hand, it wanted to see Chelsea subjected to a humiliating defeat."
I realize that this is nothing more than a comedic introduction to an article, but why is there the need for partisianship in an article such as this? Yes, Chelsea looked subpar, and no one can disagree that, but it is still the group stages. Every match is not the championship.
From rikersimmortal on Thu Oct 02 10:01AMjay - thing is, keane may not have scored in every game for 11 games, but he has been instrumental in a number of the goals that have been scored, including some good leads to torres against everton
and in any case, I think it was clear in this game that there is a certain amount of complicity now between Torres and Keane (which was clear even as Keane sought out Torres to thanks for the feed for that goal last night) which takes some time - i say watch out from here on in!!
now i'm off to get some dinner - starving!
talk to you guys later - YNWA!!
LIVERPOOL ROCKS!
From kantong_wokster on Thu Oct 02 10:02AMJay this is ridiculous. ED has said a lot worse about a lot of other clubs without anyone taking it personally. As if writers are to blame for Liverpool being @#$% for the past 20 years!
From kgh_r on Thu Oct 02 10:06AMmorning kev, fbf, non believers (kgh etc) and a special hello to mon cheri kw. I am unlikely to be blogging much today so a quick word on comfortable liverpool. They are winning matches without having to get out of 1st gear... there actually is confidence going through the team at the moment which is good to see. Surprised that mash did not start but he obviously was not needed. And how does Kuyt always score those sort of goals. The question is who is in control, rafa or his rotating goatee.
From some_steam on Thu Oct 02 10:11AMJust had this in from the Irish Lottery and seeing how Im the generous sort Ill share
'You have won £1.350,000GBP.
Contact Dr. Anthony Chognot.Email:irish.customer.service03@live.com
9;
From anne_helm on Thu Oct 02 10:14AMnice try stirring kgh, i agree about dossena at the moment. but i enjoy arbeloas aimless runs accross midfield. and by the way finnan was past it so there!
Anyway you have wes brown top own goalscorer in premiership history so you ccan talk
From some_steam on Thu Oct 02 10:15AMHarsh kgh_r
Mnay cups won over that time mate we have just underachieved in the league and that only looks bad beacuse of how brilliant we were for the previous twenety years!
From fitbutfrustrated on Thu Oct 02 10:15AMLoved what Stancioiu has done with his hair some serious gel products for the CLUEDO keeper. Watched poor Drogba get broken he doesnt have the rub of the green does he.
From anne_helm on Thu Oct 02 10:16AMFinnan deserved a comfortable retirement in the sun we was getting on ya know!
From fitbutfrustrated on Thu Oct 02 10:18AMMorning All
Good to be back in sunny blighty
"Yes, Chelsea looked subpar, and no one can disagree that, but it is still the group stages. Every match is not the championship."
Ed is spot on if Chelseal cannot beat the Cheeky Gurls in the group stages what chance have they got against proper opposition in the knockout rounds ?
To be considered proper contenders with a team of Chelseals alleged quality and price tag anything less than 5 - 0 victories against the muppet teams is an absolute disgrace.
Its is the same for England if they cannot beat the Sunday League Pub teams by massive margins what chance have they got against Germany Spain or Brazil ?
None
Glad to see you are living in the moment risker
Good to see Man Utd still struggling in the Premiership sobering to think that even if they win their game they would be squabbling for position one place BEHIND the HAMMMERS with .... um ... Hull
From arttidesco on Thu Oct 02 10:19AMNice avatar fbf anyone for Golf?
From anne_helm on Thu Oct 02 10:19AMHi Anne
Nice hat
Any good news from Port Vale ?
From arttidesco on Thu Oct 02 10:21AMI loved your last comment and your use of punctuation was really exceptional.
From anne_helm on Thu Oct 02 10:21AMgrrrr I was going for Film director and hoping to get you on the casting couch...CUUUUUUUT Thats a wrap people!
From fitbutfrustrated on Thu Oct 02 10:21AMmmmmmmmmm couches mmmmmmm
From anne_helm on Thu Oct 02 10:23AMThat was so funny you should be a comedian
From anne_helm on Thu Oct 02 10:25AMThe Vale = never good news Art
From anne_helm on Thu Oct 02 10:26AMWhen Gerard retires the CL should be renamed the SG League
From arttidesco on Thu Oct 02 10:26AMjust a quick thought, have tevez, rooney, ronaldo and berbatov scored in every game??
thought not and they are supposedly rated much higher in value than torres and keane (lucky for the scummers you have got darren fletcher(HA). just htought id put it all into perspective
From nick_sutty on Thu Oct 02 10:28AMMy point was to take a chill pill and stop ED bashing for their supposed Liverpool bashing. Here's what they said with my analysis.
Just hours after having his goal drought mocked by Early Doors, Robbie Keane finally got off the mark for Liverpool against PSV.
(ED appears to be admitting it got it wrong here - you will find that ED has taken thepiss out of lots of other players and clubs in the past but probably hasn't corrected itself when it should have)Keane took 11 games to find the net, a positively cheetah-like start compared with Peter Crouch, who needed exactly twice as many matches to locate the onion bag.
(Fact, but perhaps they should have referred to Forlan here for the purpose of roundness)On a night of landmarks, Steven Gerrard completed his century of goals for the club.
(Fact, nothing controversial here or is there a secret message in here?)It was said to be fitting that he would reach three figures with a 30-yard piledriver, but Early Doors would probably describe it as inevitable, given that screamers have made up something like 92 of his 100 strikes.
(Classic hyperbole here, this reads like a compliment - ED appears to be implying that many of Gerrard's goals are great)Last night also marked the 1000th unnecessary personnel change of Rafa Benitez's reign (Aurelio for Dossena) and Alvaro Arbeloa's 50th appearance without making a noticeable contribution.
(ED is contiuing the landmark theme here and using sarcasm re Rafa's noted rotation policy. However, it could be argued that the fact that it was Dossena who was subbed would contradict the use of the word unnecessary)From kgh_r on Thu Oct 02 10:31AM#49 r u being mean?
From fitbutfrustrated on Thu Oct 02 10:31AMSG League rocks!
From fitbutfrustrated on Thu Oct 02 10:32AMNot today fbf I was going for light hearted banter
From anne_helm on Thu Oct 02 10:33AMkgh_r keyboard on fire so early too!!
From fitbutfrustrated on Thu Oct 02 10:33AMFBF most of that is cut and paste from the article.
Delighted to see Keane score, it can only be good for Ireland too.From kgh_r on Thu Oct 02 10:36AMSorry Anne just a little paranoid after unnecessary falling out with Jay yesterday!
From fitbutfrustrated on Thu Oct 02 10:37AMIts ok fbf
From anne_helm on Thu Oct 02 10:41AM
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