Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

The final countdown

Tue May 20 08:51AM

Not the chart-topping classic from long haired Swedish rockers Europe, rather the gradual edging closer of the most epoch-defining event of recent times.

The 1986 number one fantasised about blasting off from Earth for the distant planet of Venus - a feat that, even 22 years later, scientists are still trying to get their heads around - but if all the hype is to be believed, tomorrow's Champions League final will of far more import to mankind than exploring the outer reaches of the solar system.

Forget Apollo missions and moon landings, Chelsea are playing Manchester United in Moscow! And it seems the hyperbole machine is in intergalactic hyperdrive.

Grand Slam Sunday has been made to look like Danny Welbeck in comparison to the Champions League final's Didier Drogba, and coverage of the all-English match has already reached saturation point - and it's still only the day before the game.

32-page pullouts, 16-page supplements, countdown timers and more news than you can shake a stick at will be landing on doorsteps around the country this morning allowing final-hungry fans to gorge themselves on page-upon-page of relevant, and some irrelevant, facts, figures and analysis of the match.

While ITV have dubbed the clash 'The Game of Games', it was left to a certain 24-hour sports news station to take things to a different level yesterday when one of its cameras stationed in the Russian capital was given access to United's team hotel.

In between the inevitable shots of fans milling about Red Square in furry Ushanka hats, perhaps we were about to get a chance to see some United players? Maybe the intrepid reporter could even get them to deliver some platitudinous comments to the camera about the big game?

No, of course not. United hadn't even boarded their privately chartered jet in Manchester at that point, so instead we were 'treated' to a rather pretty but bored-looking Russian girl giving a guided tour of the hotel and a room that may or may not host a United player later on that day.

"There are tea and coffee making facilities," the girl said. "Ooooh," the viewing public crooned. Down to the gym, where apparently "there are plenty of weights machines". Amazing.

Cut away from the Moscow hotel and to a charity football match, where celebrity United fans are waxing lyrical about their team's chances. But who cares what Angus Deayton has to say. He may once have scored a penalty at the Stretford End (at half-time during a proper match) but that does not impress Early Doors. As for Darren Campbell... well at least he comes from Manchester.

All this serves to do is make the match itself a sure-fire let-down. But then again, ED remembers thinking Liverpool's quarter-final with Arsenal was going to be a dull affair, and look what happened then. We can but hope.

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Fans arriving in Moscow are apparently facing problems at the border, with long queues delaying their entry into the country as the Russian authorities struggle to stamp passports at a rate of more than 100 an hour.

It seems simple to ED - Russian passport control guard: "Have you got match teeket?" United/Chelsea fan: "Yes." Guard: "Good, hev nice stay." And away you go.

But the minor inconvenience of not being allowed into the country in time for kick-off could well pale into insignificance if any number of the estimated 50,000 English fans in Moscow decide it would be a good idea to cross the Russian police.

Rumour has it the local constabulary are not ones to mess about when it comes to public order offences. Unfortunately for fans, those offences include one of their favourite pastimes - drinking on the street.

And woe betide anyone who lights up a ciggie in Red Square - the last ED heard, that was a fineable offence (payable in dollars to the arresting officer, of course). That the 'no smoking' signs on the walls at the edge of the square are quite difficult to read when standing 200 yards away in the middle fails to constitute a mitigating factor.

Without wishing to tempt fate, ED reckons Spurs have a better chance of breaking into the top four next season than of there not being any trouble in Moscow.

As usual, it will be the small minority who will steal the headlines, but perhaps a Siberian gulag, or whatever their modern-day equivalent is, would be just the place for them.

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NON CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL SECTION: It's no secret that on the whole the English are lazy when it comes to learning foreign languages. Along with tattooed bare torsos, sunburn and drunkenness, ignorance of local dialects sets apart the average English holidaymaker from his continental counterpart.

Well, with every man and his dog the world over speaking near perfect English these days, there's no point, is there?

Faux! There was an unwritten rule (it's now a written rule) that states the best way to endear yourself to a foreigner in their own back yard is to at least try to speak at least a little of the local lingo.

Even if it's delivered with a terrible accent and loaded with grammatical mistakes, the odds are that the effort will be more appreciated than the standard "two... beers... please... TWO!" spoken extremely slowly and at full volume so as not to confuse the poor, clearly deaf, yokels.

The Austrians have got the right idea. Rather than rely on football fans visiting their nation next month to pick up a dictionary, they've produced a dialect guide to encourage tourists to schmooze with the local population.

So, essential phrases such as "Ham Se an Kaiserschmoan mit Zwetschknroesta?", "Do you have a sliced sugared pancake with plum compote?" or "Fia mi bitte no a Soizguakn", "another gherkin for me please", will soon be heard from Vienna to Basle as thousands of fans attempt to get their mouth around a smorgasbord (that word again) of strange-sounding words.

It sounds like a bit of a mouthful, probably even for those annoyingly excellent linguists the Swedes, but well worth it if you're into sampling 'exotic' delicacies such as jam flatbreads and pickled cucumbers.

It is the effort to encourage interaction with the opposite sex that has ED worried though. One entry in the guide details how to chat up an Austrian fraulein, should the need arise. "Servas, fesche Katz", which translates as "Hello princess", but means literally "greetings, hot kitten". Probably best left for the Italians, that one.

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AUSTRIAN PHRASE OF THE DAY: "Kuess die Hand, gnae Frau", which sounds like "Talk to the hand, not to the face", but is actually the phrase to be uttered when kissing a woman's hand at a first meeting - a traditional Austrian gesture.

FOREIGN VIEW: Japan's football supremo Saburo Kawabuchi on the ugly scenes which marred the weekend's stormy J-League clash between Urawa Reds and Gamba Osaka: "It seems to be the way of the world these days that you simply take your frustrations out on the referee. The scenes at the end of the match when players were surrounding the referee I think would lead to fines overseas." Of course, what he had meant to say was that those kind of scenes would be fine overseas, particularly in the Premier League.

HEADLINE OF THE DAY: It's a toss-up between The Sun's 'Battle of the Premlin' and The Mirror's 'Red Square-up'.

TALKING POINT: Did anyone see the Cesc Fabregas Show on television last night? Please, please let us know what it was like if you did.

COMING UP: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. We'll have all sorts of Champions League build-up throughout the day, including some of the key (on-pitch) battles in Moscow along with plenty of pointless trivia for those anoraks interested. Transfer Talk should also be with you before midday, containing the shocking news of Frank Lampard's imminent departure from the Bridge.

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