The final countdown
Tue May 20 08:51AM
Not the chart-topping classic from long haired Swedish rockers Europe, rather the gradual edging closer of the most epoch-defining event of recent times. The 1986 number one fantasised about blasting off from Earth for the distant planet of Venus - a feat that, even 22 years later, scientists are still trying to get their heads around - but if all the hype is to be believed, tomorrow's Champions League final will of far more import to mankind than exploring the outer reaches of the solar system.
Forget Apollo missions and moon landings, Chelsea are playing Manchester United in Moscow! And it seems the hyperbole machine is in intergalactic hyperdrive.
Grand Slam Sunday has been made to look like Danny Welbeck in comparison to the Champions League final's Didier Drogba, and coverage of the all-English match has already reached saturation point - and it's still only the day before the game.
32-page pullouts, 16-page supplements, countdown timers and more news than you can shake a stick at will be landing on doorsteps around the country this morning allowing final-hungry fans to gorge themselves on page-upon-page of relevant, and some irrelevant, facts, figures and analysis of the match.
While ITV have dubbed the clash 'The Game of Games', it was left to a certain 24-hour sports news station to take things to a different level yesterday when one of its cameras stationed in the Russian capital was given access to United's team hotel.
In between the inevitable shots of fans milling about Red Square in furry Ushanka hats, perhaps we were about to get a chance to see some United players? Maybe the intrepid reporter could even get them to deliver some platitudinous comments to the camera about the big game?
No, of course not. United hadn't even boarded their privately chartered jet in Manchester at that point, so instead we were 'treated' to a rather pretty but bored-looking Russian girl giving a guided tour of the hotel and a room that may or may not host a United player later on that day.
"There are tea and coffee making facilities," the girl said. "Ooooh," the viewing public crooned. Down to the gym, where apparently "there are plenty of weights machines". Amazing.
Cut away from the Moscow hotel and to a charity football match, where celebrity United fans are waxing lyrical about their team's chances. But who cares what Angus Deayton has to say. He may once have scored a penalty at the Stretford End (at half-time during a proper match) but that does not impress Early Doors. As for Darren Campbell... well at least he comes from Manchester.
All this serves to do is make the match itself a sure-fire let-down. But then again, ED remembers thinking Liverpool's quarter-final with Arsenal was going to be a dull affair, and look what happened then. We can but hope.
- - -
Fans arriving in Moscow are apparently facing problems at the border, with long queues delaying their entry into the country as the Russian authorities struggle to stamp passports at a rate of more than 100 an hour.
It seems simple to ED - Russian passport control guard: "Have you got match teeket?" United/Chelsea fan: "Yes." Guard: "Good, hev nice stay." And away you go.
But the minor inconvenience of not being allowed into the country in time for kick-off could well pale into insignificance if any number of the estimated 50,000 English fans in Moscow decide it would be a good idea to cross the Russian police.
Rumour has it the local constabulary are not ones to mess about when it comes to public order offences. Unfortunately for fans, those offences include one of their favourite pastimes - drinking on the street.
And woe betide anyone who lights up a ciggie in Red Square - the last ED heard, that was a fineable offence (payable in dollars to the arresting officer, of course). That the 'no smoking' signs on the walls at the edge of the square are quite difficult to read when standing 200 yards away in the middle fails to constitute a mitigating factor.
Without wishing to tempt fate, ED reckons Spurs have a better chance of breaking into the top four next season than of there not being any trouble in Moscow.
As usual, it will be the small minority who will steal the headlines, but perhaps a Siberian gulag, or whatever their modern-day equivalent is, would be just the place for them.
- - -
NON CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL SECTION: It's no secret that on the whole the English are lazy when it comes to learning foreign languages. Along with tattooed bare torsos, sunburn and drunkenness, ignorance of local dialects sets apart the average English holidaymaker from his continental counterpart.
Well, with every man and his dog the world over speaking near perfect English these days, there's no point, is there?
Faux! There was an unwritten rule (it's now a written rule) that states the best way to endear yourself to a foreigner in their own back yard is to at least try to speak at least a little of the local lingo.
Even if it's delivered with a terrible accent and loaded with grammatical mistakes, the odds are that the effort will be more appreciated than the standard "two... beers... please... TWO!" spoken extremely slowly and at full volume so as not to confuse the poor, clearly deaf, yokels.
The Austrians have got the right idea. Rather than rely on football fans visiting their nation next month to pick up a dictionary, they've produced a dialect guide to encourage tourists to schmooze with the local population.
So, essential phrases such as "Ham Se an Kaiserschmoan mit Zwetschknroesta?", "Do you have a sliced sugared pancake with plum compote?" or "Fia mi bitte no a Soizguakn", "another gherkin for me please", will soon be heard from Vienna to Basle as thousands of fans attempt to get their mouth around a smorgasbord (that word again) of strange-sounding words.
It sounds like a bit of a mouthful, probably even for those annoyingly excellent linguists the Swedes, but well worth it if you're into sampling 'exotic' delicacies such as jam flatbreads and pickled cucumbers.
It is the effort to encourage interaction with the opposite sex that has ED worried though. One entry in the guide details how to chat up an Austrian fraulein, should the need arise. "Servas, fesche Katz", which translates as "Hello princess", but means literally "greetings, hot kitten". Probably best left for the Italians, that one.
- - -
AUSTRIAN PHRASE OF THE DAY: "Kuess die Hand, gnae Frau", which sounds like "Talk to the hand, not to the face", but is actually the phrase to be uttered when kissing a woman's hand at a first meeting - a traditional Austrian gesture.
FOREIGN VIEW: Japan's football supremo Saburo Kawabuchi on the ugly scenes which marred the weekend's stormy J-League clash between Urawa Reds and Gamba Osaka: "It seems to be the way of the world these days that you simply take your frustrations out on the referee. The scenes at the end of the match when players were surrounding the referee I think would lead to fines overseas." Of course, what he had meant to say was that those kind of scenes would be fine overseas, particularly in the Premier League.
HEADLINE OF THE DAY: It's a toss-up between The Sun's 'Battle of the Premlin' and The Mirror's 'Red Square-up'.
TALKING POINT: Did anyone see the Cesc Fabregas Show on television last night? Please, please let us know what it was like if you did.
COMING UP: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. We'll have all sorts of Champions League build-up throughout the day, including some of the key (on-pitch) battles in Moscow along with plenty of pointless trivia for those anoraks interested. Transfer Talk should also be with you before midday, containing the shocking news of Frank Lampard's imminent departure from the Bridge.
- - -
Well, well, well... a essential word you'll have to learn for the upcoming EURO 08 is... "krocha"
which is dialect for krachen which roughly translates to "crash into" but it's used in a lot of different ways, like partying, dancing. It can also describe a person, who looks (this is actually hard to describe) something like this: http://tinyurl.com/65dhjs
For example: "Heast, gestern bin i no in a leiwandes Festl eine'krocht'." -roughly: "Yesterday, I was at a nice party." - "leiwand" is a term often used by the people of vienna for describing something great, special, etc
The next one: "schaust ua bombä aus" - "You look hot!" (Well it depends on who says it, obviously) - two words are here of interest: "ua (ur-)" which is again commonly used by locals in vienna to positively enhance an adjective, you can even combine it with "leiwand" making it "ur-leiwand" - "very great/special"
Another phrase which should be known to any english tourist is "bum zua" - "Really, really drunk".
If any of you guys wish to learn more, I'd be happy to oblige.
From cloud_bruch on Tue May 20 11:39AMcloud_bruch:
why do the people of Vienna have a special word for describing something great? Do the people outside of Vienna use a different word or do great things only happen within the city limits?
From chrisnewman950 on Tue May 20 11:45AM"Hotelzimmertaste" would mean something like Hotelroom Button according to my knowledge of the German language. The most useful sentence for English fans would probably be "Aber Brasilien spielt ja auch keine Europameisterschaft?"
From tompuntcom on Tue May 20 11:50AMI don't have any inside dope but it sounds credible to me but I hope not.
From michelangeloindeed on Tue May 20 12:02PMdifficult one; actually everyone in austria knows what these words mean but they are part of the vienna dialect so no one in the rest of the country uses them. and of course we have some other words as well to describe great things, got to look some up. ("geil" would be one but it isn't typical austrian, as the germans use it too)
From cloud_bruch on Tue May 20 12:13PMI have heard from some friends in Moscow.They are very confused about where to go before the match.They have found Red Square but there are no signs to Blue Square.
From michelangeloindeed on Tue May 20 12:31PMI caught a little look at the Cesc Fabregas Show. Arsene Wenger made an apperance but I turned it over after 5 mins, the show was all about Fabregas and guess what ?
What ( I hear you don't cry)
Their was not one joke at all, it was boring.
From benbear76 on Tue May 20 12:35PMRight folks - off to the CHELSEA flower shownow. See you losers tonight or tomorrow!!!!!
From michelangeloindeed on Tue May 20 12:55PMChelsea may have a flower show but Manchester has a tart- now I know which of those i find more appealing...
From chrisnewman950 on Tue May 20 01:22PMApparently the Austrians already had a leaflet prepared with handy phrases for the English so they could learn how to say, in Austrian:
"You're going home in a f****n ambulance"
"Two Stellas please"
"What do you mean you don't do chips?"
"Wow, your Riot Police aren't very effective are they? Pass me that broken bottle"
"Bloody penalties"
And so on.....
From kevmun82 on Tue May 20 01:49PMI hear that Joey Barton has been jailed for six months. When i first seen the headline, 'Barton jailed for six months' i got all excited thinking it had said 6 years. Aww well, we will just have to make do with 6 months,.Of course, 6 months will become 3 months and then he will be let out for good behaviour, meaning that he will only serve around 5 or 6 weeks.
From samuelbanks on Tue May 20 02:17PMNice comment from ED about the Swedes and their linguism skills. I saw a Swedish film once, and there was certainly a lot of cunning linguists in it....
From kevmun82 on Tue May 20 02:20PMI hope ED mentions me tomorrow
From sfteam50 on Tue May 20 02:53PMKey = Schluessel (for unlocking doors)
Key = Taste (on your keyboard)
It's all about context...
I heard a rumour that they speak German in Austria, but clearly not in the capital.
From garethcoletranslations on Tue May 20 02:56PMgarethcole: I heard that rumour too, but who are we to argue with a man from vienna who has stolen Henry VIII's hat?
From chrisnewman950 on Tue May 20 03:09PMOr, to make a German pun, who has stollen Henry VIII's hat.
From chrisnewman950 on Tue May 20 03:11PMI have only been to Austria once, to Salzburg. At least they had the decency to serve strong continental lager in whopping 1-litre glasses. Bet they are glad they won't have any British fans getting lightly refreshed in their beer gardens this summer...
On a separate note, funny how the Australians serve beer in leave-it-for-2-mins-and-it'll-evaporate size glasses. Allegedly because it is so hot and, well, you wouldn't want a warm one, would you? Even in the hottest summers in Southern Germany and Austria, the solution is as ingenious as it is obvious: drink faster.From garethcoletranslations on Tue May 20 03:23PMDo you think Joey Barton will still play for Newcastle when he gets out of image? Hasn't he had quite a few "second chances" now?
From garethcoletranslations on Tue May 20 03:30PMOr gets out of JAIL even !?!
From garethcoletranslations on Tue May 20 03:31PMFunny how good footballers will always get lots of second chance whilst average ones are sacked by their clubs. Newcastle knew he was poison when they signed him so I assume they knew a spell in the clink was a possibility. I just hope the little bugger drops the soap whilst he's inside. Perhaps a brief encounter with a psychotic lifer could put him on the straight and narrow
From chrisnewman950 on Tue May 20 03:36PMIt's very quiet on the james smith/barny/samuelbanks front today. I hope they're all ok
From chrisnewman950 on Tue May 20 03:38PMDon’t get me wrong. I am looking forward to tomorrow’s match just as much as the next person. However, we should all get things in perspective. This is a football match after all. Its not the final act in human history. Yes, this maybe the first all English European final ever, but do we all need to get so carried away. In my view the media circus surrounding this game is hugely out of proportion to the event been covered. The excessive build up may add to the excitement and anticipation, but it may also lead to tremendous disappointment. Don’t worry, Samuel banks hasn’t gone all serious all of a sudden. I just feel the need to calm everybody down. Now lets get the beers in for the biggest event in history!!!! Come on United, lets kill those Chelki ******s
From samuelbanks on Tue May 20 04:00PMChris
I have arrived mateFrom samuelbanks on Tue May 20 04:02PMI was undecided about what drink to buy for tomorrow’s game. Then I saw the picture of the @#$% with the can of Carlsberg. Carlsberg it is then. Who said advertising doesn’t work? By the way, that man shouldn't be allowed to travel. He's definitely a few Kopecks short of a Ruble.
From samuelbanks on Tue May 20 04:21PMWhat, Special Brew?
From garethcoletranslations on Tue May 20 04:29PMI'm still alive as well. Belgrade is 'girding its loins' (as was apparently said at the embassy meeting this week) for an invasion by the British Gay and Lesbian community intent on attending the Eurovision Song (not 'thong') Contest on Saturday. If this is true, and there's no need to disbelieve the crew that gave us 'Al Qaeda are active in Kosoovo' a couple of years back, then I hope the community bears in mind what happened during the last Gay Pride demonstration in Belgrade. The police looked at the pavement when the thugs moved in.
For the game tommorrow It'll have to be Jelen pivo (Stag beer) no reference to intended to the last paragraph. For the Eurovision Song Contest I think I'll look out the Creme de Menthe (God forgive me, but I just couldn't help myself)
From james_ssmith on Tue May 20 04:37PMAlright Garteh
Rubles and Kopecks are Russian Currency.I think.From samuelbanks on Tue May 20 04:38PM* Sorry about my typos. Should read 'no reference intended to ...'
I'll probably take the dog for a walk on Saturday rather than watch said musical feast.From james_ssmith on Tue May 20 04:42PMNever heard of Jelen Pivo.Is it strong stuff? I'll tell you what is absolutely stinking- Diamond White cider. Aww!Its like turps.Worse infact.
From samuelbanks on Tue May 20 04:42PMPS Glad I made Samuelbanks laugh late last night. That was the idea.
From james_ssmith on Tue May 20 04:44PM
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