Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Spurs can't go on

Mon Oct 06 09:11AM

Happy Monday long-suffering Newcastle fans, at long last your ridiculous club is not quite ridiculous enough to warrant top billing on this here page.

Today that honour belongs to John Branch (Spanish name withdrawn until further notice) and his laughably poor Tottenham team - who have suffered their worst start to a season since 1912 thanks to a 1-0 mauling at the hands of Felipe Marron's Hull City.

All of which has prompted tabloid comparison to the Titantic, which sank that same year to give birth to the biggest film, like EVER! Oh and that nauseating Celine Dion number which couples continue to use at weddings despite its fairly transparent "my lover, he is dead" connotations.

Early Doors is never one to pass up the opportunity to piggyback a theme, however, and with a Simon Cowell sense of pop timing we've penned our very own version of old thin face's classic, complete with updated lyrics for your Monday amusement.

Feel free to sing along...

Every week in London, we watch you, you're woeful
This is how our season goes on...

Right across the back four, there's space in between us
Even Hull can beat us at home...

Hoddle, Carr, wherever you are
I believe that these Spurs can't go on...

Woody, Cor, you open the door
And we're leaking in goals, and come May we'll be gone, gone, gone...

Juande came to save us from smug Gunners banter
Spain is much cooler than France...(discuss)

But Bentley, Bent - and look what we've spent
You are not Jimmy Greaves or Ossie...
We're poor, and what's more, we're struggling to score
And we're sinking so fast, that come May we'll be gone, gone, gone...

We're here all week.

- - -

Back to Arsenal. Arsene Wenger's myopia when it comes to witnessing his team's short comings is the stuff of legend - though when there is no avoiding them, it is nonetheless amusing to see him wanting to give an oral sacrifice at the altar of the porcelain god. 

But ED wonders whether Wenger has ever claimed to have missed one of his own side's better moments. That's exactly what potty-mouthed Joe Kinnear managed to do on Saturday.

Twice. Considering the scarcity of moments to enjoy on Tyneside at the moment, you'd think the interim boss would have bust a gut to make sure he was there when the Toon actually scored a goal that mattered. 

But twice Kinnear - who was seated in the director's box and not on the bench due to an offence committed years ago - found himself in the bowels of Goodison Park when it mattered most. His eagerness to get his dressing room cup of tea whilst it was still piping hot meant he missed Steven Taylor's header just before half-time while immediately after the break his inability to back to his seat in good time saw him miss Damien Duff's equaliser.  

What is it with director's boxes? They are never full when the second half restarts. Perhaps the prawn sandwiches at Goodison were particularly tasty yesterday? 

- - - 

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "You are only one game away from the roof caving in up there." Short and sweet, Graeme Souness knows what it's like to be manager of Newcastle. 

TALKING POINT: Souness has advised Kinnear to manage the media with a little more tact, but ED suggest there isn't a more tactless man alive than the man who once planted a Galatasaray flag in the centre of Fenerbahce's pitch. Pot, kettle and black are a few words that come to mind. More examples of Souness's legendary sensitivity please.

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