Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Pastry=Passion

Thu Feb 14 08:36AM

It's Valentines Day - the armchair football fan's worst nightmare.

It may be day invented by Hallmark perpetuated by Disney and taken to saturation point by florists everywhere but it's also a day certain misguided individuals take as sacrosanct.

Early Doors is a metrosexual online blog and is fully aware that there will be just as many women tonight who are forced to miss out on Tottenham's trip to Slavia Prague or Bolton's game with Atletico Madrid because their beloved insists on a candlelight dinner.

You've tried telling them about the poor service and the increased prices but instead of watching Dimitar Berbatov smash one home from 30 yards, it's a second portion of tiramisu that's in front of your eyes.

But it's ok as the couch potato has the weekend feast of FA Cup action to fall back on.

However a brief gander through TV Quick and when you get past Cheryl Cole's ongoing "Ash hell", you flick to Saturday lunchtime's live offering and it's Bristol Rovers v Southampton!

Now this is the company that has commissioned "Lily and Friends" so you can't be totally shocked by anything but once the library clips of the 1976 Cup final are done and dusted, the only thing that can keep the interest here would be a 30-yard bicycle kick to level the score at 7-7, three visits from Morganna the Kissing Bandit and the surprising return of Mick Channon.

There is a certain formula that is used when selecting which ties to screen, normally featuring a Premier League team away to a lower division side....and both those options are being covered on Sunday.

Surely Chelsea or Liverpool's home games against Huddersfield or Barnsley would be a better option. It's cliché central with the away fans having the "biggest day out of their lives" and enough foreign players to patronise - does Marciano Van Homoet really know about the "magic of the Cup".

Not to mention the Schadenfreude if Chelsea or Pool put five, six or seven past the opposition (everyone likes a good thrashing) or even if it's a dull 2-0 we can rely on the look of bemusement on Jamie Carragher or Steven Gerrard's face when Garth Crooks asks whether they are local pawns in Tom Hicks's master plan.

Of course Huddersfield or Barnsley are northern provincial industrial towns - great for the southern based media to perpetuate the biggest cliché of all - they care more because they have nothing else to do in life.

Even Kevin Keegan has been duped into this as he told you in his first press conference on his return to Newcastle, football is a way of life up "North", southerners go to the theatre.

But Early Doors can reveal it's not a North-South thing, the formula on how much the local team means to the community is based on the length of the queue outside the door at the local Greggs on a weekday lunchtime.

Burnley have a population of 73 thousand and regularly get crowds of over 10,000. Have you ever tried to get a Sausage Roll in Colne on a weekday lunchtime? No chance!

Stoke-on-Trent is responsible for 29% of the world's sausage roll sales and Portsmouth is the epicentre of the Cheese Swirl.

But it's presumed some clubs don't engender the same passion amongst the local community. We've found out recently how much Woy Hodgson enjoys a Danish but how many Cheese and Onion pasties do you see consumed on the Fulham Palace Road.

Not to worry armchair fans at least you have the live biathlon streaming to enjoy here on Saturday lunchtime.

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So Giovanni Trap O'Toni has now been officially unveiled as the Ireland manager, exchanging the energy drink fuelled highs at Red Bull Salzburg for Dublin.

Early Doors gave you the full rundown on the new gaffer last week but what about the FAI who are playing the appointment by numbers game.

Since McCarthyism they've tried "promoting from within" and Brian Kerr was about as successful as England's latter number two turned number one Steve McClaren.

Since then they've gone down the copycat route. Juergen Klinsmann was a former international, still under 40 and took Germany to the World Cup semis while Marco van Basten guided the Dutch to the European Championships.

Sadly for Steve Staunton it seems a life rotating places with David Burrows and a coaching apprenticeship at the Bescot didn't quite hold the same sway in the dressing room as having your nation's best striker in the last 30 years telling you what to do.

And now they've gone down the England route by plumping for a veteran, decorated Italian which has prompted a local bookie, let's say Paddy P, no scratch that let's say Mr Power to prompt a whole feast of specials on the new boss.

*Trapattoni to appoint Roy Keane to his coaching staff during his spell as Irish manager 8 - 1 

*Trapattoni & Capello to arrange an England v Ireland friendly this year 14 - 1 

*Trapattoni to drink a pint of Guinness at his first official press conference as Ireland manager (Ed: Is this the same price as England scoring 200 in an one-day international before October?) 18 - 1 

*Trapattoni to say "I'm the Gaffer" in his first official press conference as Ireland manager 33 - 1 

*Peroni to replace Guinness as Croke Park sponsor 33 - 1 

*Andrea Bocelli to sing the national anthem before the first home qualifying match for the World Cup 66-1

- - -

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Do England players lack a football gene? Do they have a deficiency? I don't think so. So it must be in the development, it is obvious. For me that is the answer." Ossie Ardiles backs chromosome numbers in the English game.

FOREIGN VIEW: Ronnie Cap-Size (headline taken from Drum N'Bass monthly not Marca) as Milan and Brazil striker Ronaldo ruptures a ligament in his left knee and must undergo surgery. The end for the all-time leading scorer in World Cup finals?

DEBATE OF THE DAY: Trapattoni - Italian sage or not worth the wage, here's niall_018's two punts: "With Brady at his side, who we know is good with young players (Stephen Ireland), this really looks like it could work on paper - but football's not played on paper unfortunately." Niall hits a hammer blow into papier mache share prices.

COMING UP: Tottenham are still eight stone overweight according to the back page of the Mirror but despite carrying the equivalent of 56 bags of sugar around with them (Tom Huddlestone's looks like he's got most of them resting under his shirt), they have managed to get past customs and are in action in Prague tonight - follow live text commentary from 8pm.

 

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