Kazakhstan confidential
Fri Oct 10 09:00AM
We all know there are not meant to be easy games in international football any more. We all also know that's absolute bunkum.
There are still easy games and Kazakhstan at home is one of them.
Kazakhstan are officially worse than New Caledonia and Equatorial Guinea. They have nobody of note - not even a Kinkladze or a Hleb - and have had to travel 3,500 miles, across about 15 time zones, to get here.
Basically, they are a League Two side with jet lag. If that's not an easy game, then Early Doors doesn't know what is. Except Spurs away.
And yet Early Doors feels slightly bad that we know so little about our visitors; that the whole public image of Kazakhstan comes from a fictional comedy creation.
So ED thought it would do some shaky research to compile a little fact sheet.
FIVE THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT KAZAKHSTAN AND WERE TOO UNINTERESTED TO ASK
1-Who they are
No wonder Sacha Baron Cohen chose Kazakhstan as Borat's country of origin. The country is a completely blank canvas about which nobody knows anything.
There are 15 million of them - so why has nobody ever heard of a Kazakh? The short answer is that none of them ever seem to do anything.
Seriously. Look at this list of notable Kazakhs and point to the famous people. Although it's nice to see a special sub-section for Freedom Heroes.
It would seem that the biggest cheeses among that rag bag are Rayimbek, 18th-century Kazakh warrior, and Abay Kunanbayev, 19th-century poet, composer and educator.
No Kazakh has ever worn a mankini, although they do like to consume horses and equine products. Their national dish is noodles with horse meat, washed down with fermented horse milk.
2-Where it is
Given it status as the world's ninth largest country, Kazakhstan certainly keeps a low profile. Even armed with the knowledge that it's absolutely massive, most people would struggle to point it out on a map.
What is certainly true is that it isn't in Europe.
Places that the Kazakh capital Astana is further east than include Kabul, Karachi, the whole of Iran and the Arabian peninsula. The country shares over 1,000 miles of border with China, and in the far eastern region anyone with a good arm can lob stones into Mongolia.
More damningly, Kazakhstan has never even entered the Eurovision Song Contest, a competition with such a generous interpretation of Europe's borders that it once accepted an entry from Morocco.
3-Why they are playing England
A couple of years Australia decided they'd prefer to come from Asia rather than their own continent, and switched federations.
Kazakhstan did something similar in 2002, but instead opted to dump Asia for the suave, sophisticated charms of the European section.
Following their switch to UEFA, they were rewarded for their treachery by landing in a nightmare World Cup qualifying group that was both extremely difficult and completely devoid of glamour, featuring as it did Ukraine, Turkey, Denmark, Greece, Albania and Georgia. The Kazakhs picked up a solitary point from 12 matches (Georgia away).
All this continent-swapping can only end in tears, as it is only a matter of time until Wales, in a desperate bid to reach their first World Cup since 1958, apply to join Oceania.
4-Who their danger men are
With their dismal start to their career as professional Europeans, it is tempting to say nobody is a danger man. But they won two matches, one against Serbia, in Euro 2008 qualifying so they aren't total chumps. Plus they kept the goals against column down to a respectable 21 from 14 games (San Marino shipped 57 in two fewer games).
Twenty-two-year-old striker Sergei Ostapenko is useful, although his international strike rate - four goals from 16 caps - is only slightly better than Emile Heskey's.
Midfielder Ruslan Baltiev has been in the side 11 years and has 67 caps. That doesn't make him good, of course, just durable.
Dynamo Moscow midfielder Andrei Karpovich is the only member of the current squad who plays outside Kazakhstan.
5-Why they are so good at cycling
Actually, we probably do know this. The mighty Astana cycling team's former members include Kazakhs Alexandre Vinokourov (drug cheat) and Andrey Kashechkin (drug cheat) - both of whom have been sacked. Astana were banned from the 2008 Tour de France over suspicions that their riders were waist-deep in vials of refrigerated blood.
They have since been restored and the current roster features eight Kazakhs and one Lance Armstrong - just about the last man left in cycling who has never tested positive for anything. Oddly, the French continue to attack Armstrong with tremendous fervour even though he's the only thing giving their stinking, rotten, pointless sport any credibility. But Early Doors digresses.
If Tony Hawks ever makes a follow-up to his whimsical book Playing The Moldovans At Tennis, in which he played the Moldovan football team at tennis, he would do well not to call it Playing The Kazakhs At Cycling.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I'm in a difficult situation at Wigan and not getting on well with Steve Bruce at the moment. We will see how long this state of affairs goes on for. He said I shouldn't play against France last month, but I did and he seems to be resentful towards me." Washing his dirty laundry in public will almost certainly help Paul Scharner patch up his differences with Steve Bruce.
FOREIGN VIEW: Croatian schoolchildren could soon be taught how to behave like good sports fans in an attempt to stamp out the hooliganism and racism that have marred the country's image in recent years. The initiative, the brainchild of a teacher, has been devised to coincide with the world handball championships that Croatia hosts in January but the primary targets are football fans, known for violent behaviour, racist abuse and clashing with police at home and abroad.
COMING UP: If it hasn't been called the Battle of Britain yet, it has now. England's Under-21s take on Wales this evening in a European Championship playoff. You can follow it right here from 19:45 UK time.
And whats you catch phrase Kev
From anne_helm on Fri Oct 10 09:57AMmarc, when england have just won a game the media take it too far and expect us to be champions of the universe lol. What i dont understand is why scottish people hate the england team so much. Its the media that are arrogant pr!cks, not the team. The team are just a bunch of overpaid tarts, u couldnt say scotland players aren't also well off.
From jay8my on Fri Oct 10 09:57AMKev I guess an Italy win would be best as they should win the group. I think our hopes of qualification will come down to the home and away matches with Bulgaria.
From kgh_r on Fri Oct 10 09:58AMSouth Shetland Islands are a formidible side. They drubbed the mights Bouvet Islands 3-0 away from home in the Antartica Dependancies Trophy Final.
From johnl.trish on Fri Oct 10 09:59AMit gets on my last nerve kev.
dont get me wrong its not the people i hate, its the shameless media.
they have the people believing the hype.
kgh_r, i do remember that, didnt want to rub that in though cos burley got us beat from them not long ago, which is totally unacceptable.
From marcgrant7 on Fri Oct 10 09:59AMAnne I've got my winter clothes on and its not even winter yet - i'm the original premature man!
From kgh_r on Fri Oct 10 09:59AMdoubt it!
From jay8my on Fri Oct 10 10:00AMGood one Bob you dont mind me being Premature with you or shall I change?
From anne_helm on Fri Oct 10 10:01AMkgh_r bob, we drew against macedonia yet rep of ireland wouldnt have beaten them.
From jay8my on Fri Oct 10 10:01AMI know John thats why I mentioned it!! What a game...
From fitbutfrustrated on Fri Oct 10 10:02AMI caught the game on my illegal Antarctic SKY
From fitbutfrustrated on Fri Oct 10 10:02AMAre Bob and Anne going for the double team super hero squad? lol
From mickr273 on Fri Oct 10 10:03AMhi jay,
we dont hate the england team or fans, thats just the rivalry we have with them. your exactly right actually, thats the problem scots have with england, its the cocky media. uv got people like motson dribbling over '66 at any opportunity, every world cup is unbearable until england are knocked out. what your forgetting jay, is we still have to put up with bbc coverage, sky sports etc, which is all biased towards england.From marcgrant7 on Fri Oct 10 10:04AMjay i ain't commenting on whether ireland would have beaten them. i'm just going along with the point of the press being pr!cks. i agree with most of post 62 that the press are the main reason why people dislike england. but some of the fans don't help either. booing at half-time, the beckham hate, etc.
From kgh_r on Fri Oct 10 10:05AMtypical english muppets have a pop at wales think it might be a good idea for england to join oceania you might get that and look good doing it, wales thou most probs will still fail
From cellanjones28 on Fri Oct 10 10:05AMRep of Ireland 2 Cyprus (yes cyprus folks) 5
nuff said!From fitbutfrustrated on Fri Oct 10 10:06AMShould the old "Home Internationals" be resurected?
From johnl.trish on Fri Oct 10 10:08AMYes you do hate England Marc. A year or two ago an Aberdeen paper did an experiment when they stuck an English flag stuck on the bonnet of a car and parked it in the middle of Aberdeen. They then set up a hidden photographer and watched the sparks fly! There we people who went past given the finger, shouting obsenities to the flag and I think somone actually spat on it! The funniest/most shocking outcome though, was when 1 guy ripped the flag off the car and stuffed it in the nearest bin!
From mickr273 on Fri Oct 10 10:09AMWhat a load of rubbish - Kazakhstan is a country very rich in oil, minerals etc - it has a well defined economy and I have visited the country many times. Ignorant people talk such rubbish aboiut things they know nothing about, so find out more or shut up about Kazakhstan.
From ken.woolfenden on Fri Oct 10 10:10AMmarc. Dont scotland have their own bbc tho?? Sky sports only show england freindlies. Most of the england games over the last few years have been on the bbc with alan hansen as a pundit, he tells it as it is doesn't he?? When scotland are on the box i watch their games with interest and generally want them to win. Why are WC's unbeareble until england get KO??
From jay8my on Fri Oct 10 10:10AMone word John ...no
Ain't worth the trouble friend
From fitbutfrustrated on Fri Oct 10 10:11AMCentenary?
From johnl.trish on Fri Oct 10 10:13AMKen just because you buy cheap women there who don't mind your ugly face does'nt make it a great country
From fitbutfrustrated on Fri Oct 10 10:14AMWhat a centenary of mindless violence? The problem is John the thugs just cannot help themselves
From fitbutfrustrated on Fri Oct 10 10:16AMIreland, Scotland, Wales & N Ireland are playing each other in a tournament soon!
Bob - Do you not think that Ireland may have a chance at top spot at all (Im a Liverpool Fan). I know Italy are a better quality side but they are quiet old and they never seem to win games convincingly! If Ireland get the results against Bulgaria and maybe beat Italy at Croker, who knows!
Ireland 1 - England 0 (25min game but hey the England fans wouldnt let us finish the game)
I see England finally won a game on penalties, did anyone see that game lastnight? Quite entertaining!
From kevin1985kane on Fri Oct 10 10:17AMare we all lurking for 100?
From mickr273 on Fri Oct 10 10:19AMFBF - Ireland are relatively @#$% though there is potential with Trap - after being totally @#$% under Staunton. The Cyprus game was away by the way. It was a teriible result and a terrible performance but I reckon that the England results against Macedonia 0-0 and Croatia 2-3 were worse all things considered. We didn't qualify for Euro 2008 coz we're @#$%. Whats your excuse?
From kgh_r on Fri Oct 10 10:19AMI say about 2/3's of the England V Ireland Legends game. Was pretty good. England were winning 3-2 when I left it. Anyone else see it? on ITV4 I think!
From mickr273 on Fri Oct 10 10:21AMSeems most people are holding back for the 100!
From johnl.trish on Fri Oct 10 10:21AMDoes anyone actually talk about football here, bit of a lame chat room if you ask me dont you have messenger?????
From markham.anthony on Fri Oct 10 10:22AM
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