One-armed bandit
Fri Feb 15 08:58AM
What does Bryan Robson have in common with a hyperactive toddler at bed time? Neither of them wants to go upstairs.
Captain Marvel has parted ways with Sheffield United after refusing to be shunted into some desk job at Bramall Lane with the grandiose but meaningless title 'Director of Football'.
He takes with him his assistant Brian Kidd, for whom life after leaving Manchester United's soon-to-be treble winners in 1998 isn't really panning out the way he hoped.
Every managerial sacking sees a whole host of collateral damage, as unsuspecting goalkeeping coaches, fitness experts and bib monitors are despatched to the Job Centre through no fault of their own.
And while the one who actually deserved the sack is normally high-profile enough to get another job somewhere else, who is going to want the bloke who put out the cones in training for Doncaster Rovers?
Captain Marvel's managerial career increasingly resembles a guy at a fruit machine who just doesn't know when to stop.
His playing career was a series of jackpots, although all those dislocated shoulders left him looking at times like a one-armed bandit (ha! geddit?). Now he is standing there watching his credit stash plummet, feeding in quid coins in the hope of picking up the decisive nudge that will see him get three cherries for the first time in over a decade.
It is one of those situations where somebody's determination, self-belief and will to win can count against him.
Now he is trapped in a profession at which he does not appear to be particularly good, but the same never-say-die attitude that made him such a great player now means he cannot walk away from management and he appears destined to bounce from one doomed misadventure to the next.
Early Doors is saying Milan Mandaric will usher Robbo in through the revolving door at Leicester before the end of the season - and out again by Christmas.
- - -
Early Doors attempted to keep an eye on Juande Ramos's slimline Spurs in action against Slavia Prague last evening but found its attention drawn away from the prosaic on-pitch happenings to the advertising hoardings.
One of the rotating electronic messages made the following bold statement: "Like football? You'll love the army."
Hmm. Early Doors has never seen the similarities between kicking a ball around and waging a war against a country you have barely heard of - although it is not one of the England fans planning a trip to Kazakhstan in summer 2009.
The army has changed - now people of all genders, races and lifestyles can get shot at in some hell-hole halfway around the globe.
But if we're making comparisons you have to wonder what kind of world allows the fancy-dan sportsmen to get paid roughly 100 times more than the people whose defensive wall gets actual bullets shot at it. And they don't even hold their crown jewels.
On the other side of the ground stood a traditional hoarding bearing the logo of something called Bargain Booze.
The people of Prague know all too much about the British love of getting off your trolley dirt-cheap and urinating on a lamp post.
Bargain booze is what made the Czech capital less famous for its spectacular architecture and culture than its hordes of puking hooligans, as stag parties descended to fill their boots with 30p pints of Pilsner Urquell.
Prague has responded by increasing its prices by several thousand percent, forcing the drunken masses to look further eastwards and convince themselves that the slag heaps of Donetsk look particularly alluring at this time of year.
When Early Doors's gaze did stray on to the action - as when Robbie Keane tucked away Tottenham's second - it immediately wished it hadn't on seeing the celebration.
Kicking the ball away, taking too long over a goal-kick, going into the crowd, taking off your shirt, not retreating 10 yards, picking up the referee's yellow card and presenting it to him in a humorous fashion a la Gazza...
There is a seemingly endless list of minor infringements that can get you booked - how can it not include Keane taking the corner flag out of the ground, mounting it along with two team-mates and then miming what Early Doors sincerely hopes was a rodeo-style bucking bronco?
- - -
After the heady buzz of FA Cup giant-killing frivolity, now comes the hangover.
How we delighted when the likes of Everton, Blackburn and Manchester City fell victim to lower-league opposition.
Now, with no Havant and Waterlooville to warm the cockles, the Cup looks like it could do with a little more quality, with just six top-flight teams and eight from the Championship.
Three of the four televised games are as follows: Bristol Rovers v Southampton, Preston North End v Portsmouth, Sheffield United v Middlesbrough.
Early Doors's pulse is racing already, although that may have more to do with the fried breakfast it devoured before scaling the two flights of stairs to its office.
It hardly promises to be a classic weekend of action. Our only hope - after Man City's balloon-gate incident - is that more child's birthday party-style props influence the results.
Early Doors is hoping for Jeremie Aliadiere to slip on a bowl of jelly and ice cream while clean through on goal, or for a clown to obscure David James's view at corners.
Of course all eyes will be on Old Trafford on Saturday evening when Manchester United take in a match that, it is commonly acknowledged, would have made a great final.
But it is worth remembering it did no such thing in 2005, when the sides produced a turgid goalless draw; the Gunners eventually winning on penalties after a display of Catenaccio the like of which has not been seen before or since from an Arsene Wenger side.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "This will never happen - at least this will not happen as long as I am the president of FIFA." Sepp Blatter. Early Doors suddenly finds itself much more sympathetic towards the Premier League's foreign expansion.
FOREIGN VIEW: Ronaldo's knee operation finished in Paris last night, with doctors saying the Brazilian faces a minimum of nine months out. It is probably fair to say Big Ron does not possess the same bloody-mindedness as Bryan Robson, and his return at the highest level looks unlikely. For all the injuries, laziness and partying, Ronaldo was one of the greats - a look at one of his Barcelona goals compilations on YouTube will dispel any doubts.
DEBATE OF THE DAY: While we're on a late 90s nostalgia trip, today's question is who is the best player of the last 15-ish years? Early Doors is a Gabriel Batistuta man, by the way.
COMING UP: We have live Championship and Bundesliga action tonight, but make sure you check back in this afternoon for the painstakingly-prepared weekend team news round-up that no-one ever reads. We're not doing this for our own benefit, you know...
E-mail this story
IM this storyIt's a worry if Sepp Blatter thinks your ideas are daft.
From toffa98 on Fri Feb 15 09:22AMRe Bryan Robson. Alan Shearer take heed!
From siddall.john on Fri Feb 15 09:38AMBEST PLAYER OF THE LAST 15 YEARS, ZIDANE OFCOURSE! HOW SEPP BLATTER IS PRESIDENT OF FIFA I REALLY DONT KNOW, IT SEEMS HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT FOOTY! AND EVERYONE KNOWS HE HATES ENGLAND! I M A MAN UTD FAN AND JUST FOR YOUR KNOWLEDGE WE THRASHED ARESNAL ON THAT DAY (2005 FA CUP FINAL) WE HAD LOADS OF CHANCES IT WAS THE MOST ONE SIDED FINAL IN RECENT YEARS, BUT WE JUST LOST IT BY LOTTERY!!!
From philipcosabela on Fri Feb 15 09:51AMDo you ever have anything constructive to say about Spurs? Or do you just like watching football for the advertising hoardings?
From joseph_brownett on Fri Feb 15 09:52AMAnd here was me thinking that Early Doors was non-gender specific - 'a Gabriel Batistuta man' should clear any doubt up. Except for the fact that with his playful locks.... Gabriel Batistuta-man is possibly a contradiction in terms!
From kev_robinson1 on Fri Feb 15 09:52AMSurely the greatest player of the last Fifteen years has to be the Great Eric who paraded his silky skills et the Theatre of Dreams .Yes , indeed , Djemba Djemba was a true Legend.
From the Early Doors Eccles and Urmston Fan Club.From donmcelhoney on Fri Feb 15 10:05AMto joseph supporting spurs- can there be anything constructive to say about spurs? when their biggest success in several years is thrashing the arsenal youth squad in a cup of no value then you have to worry.
From tedbundyisahero on Fri Feb 15 10:09AMOkay.... So no report on the tottenham game, no report on the Bolton Game... Can i assume that Early Doors spends more time creating not so witty comments then actually watching the football and briefing us on it the next morning...
I was a huge fan of the style a while back which discussed FOOTBALL not air its grievances on an internet BloggFrom shaun8701 on Fri Feb 15 10:10AMThanks Shaun8701, for pointing out to Early doors, that Bolton and also Aberdeen also played in the UEAF cup last nite. both getting very good results against great teams.
From alan.keyte1 on Fri Feb 15 10:28AMBest Player of the last 15 years??.....Has to be the Defensive Collosus that is Titus Bramble...............
From adschoey on Fri Feb 15 10:36AMShaun, a lot of people find ED highly amusing and very witty. If you do not, go and read one of the hundreds of match reports on the net, and don't read ED. For the last time, ED is not about being informative - it is not that well informed.
You genius Shaun.
From alsltd on Fri Feb 15 10:42AMShaun, many people find ED very witty and amusing. If you don't, go away and ready one of the hundreds of similarly-worded match reports out there on the net, instead of apparently forcing yourself to read a blog you don't like and then moaning about it.
You just aren't a genius are you Shaun?
From alsltd on Fri Feb 15 10:47AM@#$% OFF SHAUN
From philipcosabela on Fri Feb 15 10:53AMYep, no mention of the Dons game despite Bayern being lucky to escape with a draw. Great performance from a Scottish team displaying both skill and graft. Come on you Reds!!!
From davybroo on Fri Feb 15 10:59AMMyself being a genius too have posted the same(ish) post twice......smooth.
Oh well, I suppose it is worth labouring the point.
Best Player of the last 15 years? No-one has been better than Ronaldinho at his best.
From alsltd on Fri Feb 15 11:00AMI totally agree with Batistuta, without a shadow of a doubt the best striker of the nineties... watching him destroy the Gunners at wembley was a joy to behold! He would have been a superstar in any team in Europe.
From alagerdrinker on Fri Feb 15 11:02AMRONALDINHO
THIS MAN IS A FOOTBALLING GOD
From thekilbrides on Fri Feb 15 11:10AMBest player ever.... Gary Penrice aka Mr Freddie Mercury. Not for ability, but for his tasche!
From rick7unit on Fri Feb 15 11:16AMRonaldo is the greatest player of the last 15 years...No one ...except maradona of cos has come close to what he did with the ball and the brilliant goals, dusting speed, great acceleration and swiftness...even on Pro-Evo...he is a phenomenon...The 'Phenomenon' has scored some of the greatest goals ever scored to the point. He has only not won the champions league with any club...but he is a successful player and one of the most successful of all time....In this generation....he is the greatest............As for Bryan Robson( he is not a coach), he better take the director of football position...at least he can tell the clubs who to buy and who should play what wing..Lol.........The Manu-Arsenal match wont be a cracker...i reckon a draw...a replay will help weekends....but a win would go to Manu...due to embarrassment of losing to city rivals a week ago...and really telling Arsenal who really plays exciting football...Am a Chelsea fan...but i ain't watching dat 1...too one-sided i reckon...maybe another rare Pizarro moment
From omobobo on Fri Feb 15 11:22AMTed, "youth squad" er yes. Constructive criticism can be positive or negative. (negative in your case, obviously).
Early doors is essential reading and very much enjoyed, however of late the links to some of the things that happen in a week in football have been tenuous to say the least. Perhaps I should just read the banner ads on this site instead of taking notice of it's contents - The bird on that mortgage ad is quite hot!
From joseph_brownett on Fri Feb 15 11:55AMRe: philipcosabela: united "thrashed" arsenal in thw 2005 FA final, just like Bayern thrashed Utd in the '99 C.L final, although this is heralded as an almighty Utd performance of endurance and bravery..*cough, my a*se.
Except for the fans of the mass of lower teams in the Uefa cup, who actually cares what goes on?,No detailed report.. no tears shed from my eyes. E.D, keep it up!
All invitations to Eurosport Appreciation Society on facebook lads (and ladies if you like, but generally taking a ladies opinion on sport is like asking Britney spears for child minding advice)From armstrong0001 on Fri Feb 15 12:07PMto philipcosabela, how exactly does playing out a 0-0 draw and then losing on penalties constitute "thrashing" Arsenal? Could this be yet another example of Man U's massive arrogance and self delusion regarding any match they don't win? I suppose you "Thrashed" Man City last weekend, and only lost because they scored more goals than you
From godot_isnt_coming on Fri Feb 15 12:40PMSepp Blatter not liking the premiership footie export idea has GOT to make it worth re-looking at. Has he not overstepped the mark (again)? He talks like a bullying headmaster trying to publicly slap down one of the errant trainee teachers. He is a figure head representative of european football, not it's owner.
From ian.webb61 on Fri Feb 15 03:32PMLook no further than Stig Inge Bjornebye for the best player in the past 15 years! I mean man that norwegian was awesome wasn't he? Set up Michael Owens first goal for Liverpool as well. Well it's either a toss up between Phil Babb or the Stigmeister. I'm going with the Stig. I too am one of those "I read Early Doors every day and after every blog i wonder what i have just read" So maybe it's funny, maybe it's intelligent, maybe it's not. I can't decide.
From the_kop2003 on Fri Feb 15 04:22PMBest player was Ruud Gullit. Here is a guy who could play almost any position effectively, a sign of true class. Or maybe carlton palmer...
From tonykirk1 on Fri Feb 15 06:34PMKeegan No Hope...
Messy-Aahh
From farah_shazana on Sat Feb 16 12:52AM
Comment on this article
Please sign in to add your comments.
This site is Copyright © 2008 Yahoo! and Eurosport. All rights reserved.
- Terms of Service
- Updated Privacy Policy
- Copyright/IP Policy
- Remarks and Suggestions
- Corporate info
- Jobs at Eurosport
Notice: We collect personal information on this site. To learn more about how we use your information, see our Privacy Policy.