Jokerman
Thu May 29 08:58AM
Cristiano Ronaldo has a healthy enough ego - does he really need Carlos Queiroz to compare him with the bloke who discovered America?
The Manchester United second banana has weighed into the increasingly ludicrous war of words with Real Madrid over the man who is to humility what Sharon Stone is to US-Chinese relations.
Queiroz thinks that Real are not only trying to sign Ronaldo; they also want to kit him up with a flamenco dress, a big leg of ham and an inflatable donkey, and send him off to his siesta with a Spanish passport.
"Cristiano Ronaldo will never be Spanish," Queiroz ranted. "As they will never take Olivença* again. They already did the same with Christopher Columbus, and it now seems they want to naturalise Cristiano Ronaldo."
*Olivença, as you know, is a town of disputed sovereignty on the Portuguese-Spanish border. It's a bit like the West Bank, only with sardines instead of AK47s.
"It's being done in a manner to distract the Portugal team, at the height of their preparations for the European Championships," Queiroz continued, a patriotic foam gathering at the corners of his mouth.
"I am convinced that despite pressure from the Spanish sporting press he will not accept to change his nationality."
Early Doors knows where its loyalties lie, out of allegiance to the fine Portuguese cleaning staff who patiently tidy up its filth on a daily basis.
But it feels Queiroz is on dodgy ground talking about imperialism and the big, bad Spanish oppressing the little guy.
After all, he was born 5,000 miles away in Mozambique, a country that the Portuguese claimed after Vasco da Gama stopped there for a toilet break on his way to India. Meanwhile, Ronaldo himself hails from the offshore outpost of Madeira.
And far be it from Early Doors to pour cold water on a spectacular, politically-motivated rant, but wasn't Columbus Italian? He was born in Genoa, wore sunglasses on his head and spent most of the time on his voyages on the phone to his mother.
Although, as the man responsible for bringing syphilis to Europe, Early Doors wonders if he wasn't in fact from Romford.
With so many foreigners in this exploring business, it is sometimes hard to keep up.
ED always thought Magellan was the Portuguese one. He is credited with being the first man to circumnavigate the globe, but in fact he never made it.
True to national stereotype, Magellan ended up writhing on the ground after going down under minimal contact from a Filipino spear during the battle of Mactan in 1521.
- - -
What amazed Early Doors about last night's friendly was not that 71,000 people bothered to turn up, but that Mr Chelsea kept a straight face while saying the following:
"I'm a man for the big games and I've shown that."
Well, it certainly doesn't get any bigger than a meaningless end of season friendly against the USA.
These matches take on such importance that the last time the sides played, Zat Knight, Alan Smith and Kieran Richardson got a game, with the latter somehow scoring twice.
John Terry was praised for his 'immense fortitude' on the basis that he managed to stop crying and play a football match just a week after missing a penalty. He even scored, nodding in a Dave Becks free-kick.
It appeared to Early Doors that Terry looked pretty gutted after taking his goal, as though it emphasised just how easy it is to hit the back of the net.
What can we conclude from the game? Nothing, obviously.
We knew that Beckham is good at set-pieces, and it should come as little surprise that after playing rubbish together 40-odd times, Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard failed to crack it at the 41st attempt. And we hardly needed another reminder that Stevie G is one of the most brazen divers in world football.
Still, Wembley came out of it looking good. The pitch was still OK after all those playoff games featuring unsophisticated journeymen not fit to lace Rio Ferdinand's boots, let alone appear on the same hallowed turf.
Better still, the PA system appears to have an automatic censorship function built in. Having 'accidentally' cut out during Katherine Jenkins' Cup final caterwauling, it did the same during Kelly Rowlands' excruciating Star Spangled banner.
The former Rubbish One Out Of Destiny's Child sung it in true modern R 'n' B fashion, which dictates that you should never use one note when a mi-i-i-i-ll-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-o-o-ooonnn will do.
It was, for all the wrong reasons, an extraordinary rendition, which is precisely what Early Doors would like to inflict on Miss Rowlands.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Arsenal have a policy in which they will not go over a specific amount of money when agreeing the salary of a player. They won't pay enormous amounts of money. I think that they should go to a higher level of salary. If you want to keep the group together, you have to keep them happy. If you are 27 or 28 I can understand that you would make the decision to go elsewhere if you can earn three or four times as much. If that sort of money was also paid at Arsenal I'm sure that person would stay."
Premier League footballers may well be paid a billion quid, but clearly not enough of it ends up in the back pocket of Robin "Ooh, is he meant to be the bloke on the Nike ad, no he can't be because he takes the free-kick right-footed" van Persie. The conservatory on his Hampstead pile isn't going to pay for itself, you know.
FOREIGN VIEW: The US media remain distinctly unmoved by their soccer heroes' efforts, and rightly so. They prefer to focus on their assorted Penguins, Pistons and Pacmen, plus the doobie-loving son of Yannick Noah.
TALKING POINT: michelangeloindeed takes umbrage at ED's use of the word 'Dylanesque' to describe some piece of rubbish verse, particularly with his own Dylan-inspired moniker. But come on, Jokerman? If you're going to go 80s Dylan, you could at least pick something from Oh Mercy.
Today - What did you make of England-USA? Alternatively, do you have any tortured historical analogies you can apply to modern-day transfer negotiations?
Coming up: Look, you know the drill by now. Cristiano Ronaldo, Chelsea manager, Sven. You can set your watch by it.
E-mail this story
IM this storyfirst
From vitorlam on Thu May 29 09:12AMJust wanted to be the first to comment, what a record !!!
Anyway I think England did great yesterday.
I think they are good enough to win the 'alternate Euro championship'. if one is ever organised.
I mean a competition for those who didnt qualify for the real thing
From oluwaponlek on Thu May 29 09:14AMfirstly slow sport day when Ed has to read history books( and get it right)
secondly seen headline saying "Terry makes amends" on this very web site, was there another CL final last night? Did JT score the winning penalty? how could i have missed all that? oh wait Engerland were playing the US, so just how did he make amends to all the dissapointed chelsea fans?
yours ,
Confused
Motherwell
From kev_tech2003 on Thu May 29 09:17AMfirst post?
From ian.lapsley on Thu May 29 09:19AMwhat is sissy boy doing in that pic?
the game last night was at times interesting.....at others frightengly yawnsome, congrats to Mr Chelsea for the goal and to stevie g
when is euro going to start so we can watch some 6-0 drubbings?
Personally i think germany is going to nail it this year.....I quote ED: Look, you know the drill by now. Cristiano Ronaldo, Chelsea manager, Sven. You can set your watch buy it.
Sven is going to coach mexico, Chelsea are going to sign Mancini as coach and mark Hughes as chief of corperal punishment to "discipline" the egotistical like's of drogba.
Ronaldo is going to stay with the manc's and some how they will swindle robinho and diarra over for free
as for my watch i use the sun...to bad it's pissing with rain now
From dannickbates on Thu May 29 09:20AMSSSSLLLLLOOOOOOWWWWWW
DDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!From sammakim on Thu May 29 09:24AMThe USA would have been better at full strength
From buckeyes4osu on Thu May 29 09:26AMSo England win the first leg of the Transatlantic cup, huh? When is the second leg? I surely don't want to miss that!
From eliotot on Thu May 29 09:28AMI thought the commentating was particularly on form last night. Especially when they started blethering on about if Rooney had been fit in previous tornaments how well the team would have done! No mention of England being favourites to win Euro 08 though, which was a surprise.
From ian.lapsley on Thu May 29 09:28AMTransfer analogy:
Ronaldinho to Man City: first man on the moon, do I need to explain why?
From jacquesbittar on Thu May 29 09:31AMjust have to be refined to the fact that being English.. we have 'fast players' who cant finish a move, or a select few 'skillful' players who cant get past a solo bin..... bring on WC'2010!!
From asswhoop12 on Thu May 29 09:37AMED you crack me up, this is a classic,"Although, as the man responsible for bringing syphilis to Europe".
Okay back to football matters, OLD MAN, you tend to be one of those hartd to please guys on this earth, what more can you ask for from England after yesterdays's match? Most of the lads were playing thier 40th if not more game of the season and u still give them stick??? It was a good game and they did well under the circumstances
From kudachisepo2000 on Thu May 29 09:52AMGood blog, ED, funny. An England selection to avoid defeat and embarrassment. Mission accomplished. Walcott in the squad, but not used.
From james_ssmith on Thu May 29 09:56AMis the world cup (2010) in south africa or has it moved yet.?
From lfc4life_69_pinkpopcorn_ryanj on Thu May 29 09:59AMwasnt too impressed with the game last night, but its been a long season, didnt really expect free flowing football. England looked a bit jaded at times in the 1st half but i think when barry came on england upped their game, no concidence that lampard went off either. but to be truthful the USA were absolutly hopeless.
just to get the ball rolling for today........
matthewwardhaugh, u r an idiot. a wee boy with nothing to say. 'oh, il wait & see wot paula says then il copy her', get a mind of ur own u wee weirdo. mite be worth your while to stop watching that animal porn u keep mentioning and actually try and pull yourself a bird??? altho that must be difficult wiv a baldy half inch c**k!!
From marcgrant7 on Thu May 29 10:01AMNo historical analogy for you, can i interest you in a film one? It's quite clear that Cristiano Ronaldo is none other than Frodo Baggins. He's been given a special Ring to look after (talent) and nurture until he can bring it to the place where it meets its natural end (retirement). Of course, the talent also has a dark side (arrogance) which threatens to take him over but he has his trusted friend Sam (his mum) to keep him on the straight and narrow. There's a shady character called Gollum (Real Madrid) who will do anything to get his hands on the Ring, but luckily Gandalf (Ferguson) is there to say "You shall not pass, ya wee s h i t e"
All of this was just to try and get in a dig at Frank Lampard, who looks like an elf, but i couldn't quite work it in. Never mind. FRANK LAMPARD LOOKS LIKE AN ELF! That'll do.
From kevmun82 on Thu May 29 10:02AMLiked ED today, not 100% sure if it was Alex Chick or if the impersonators are improving, either way good work.
ps The extraordinary rendition gag was good but cheapened by linking to the definition on wikipedia.
From garagemusic on Thu May 29 10:08AMthats strange garagemusic, because ever since the season has finished i seem to have found ED quite unfunny. I still don't harp on about it though and chant for Alex Chick etc.
Maybe its because there is no transfer news regarding Liverpool that gets me salivating other than a left back and Gareth Barry, but football news is very boring at the moment.
From the_kop2003 on Thu May 29 10:13AMMostly childish drivel, but I have to agree with the point about "over-egging the pudding" viz-a-viz singing notes in addition to the melody as composed. The worst is that ghastly duet between Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey, which seems little more than a competition as to who can add the most unnecessary warbling.
From brendanandkatka on Thu May 29 10:14AMI guess Tevez is the dwarf, Gimli, and Rio Ferdinand is the elf, Legolas (at Christmas 'legless'
. But what is Frodo doing on the same side as that Orc Rooney?From james_ssmith on Thu May 29 10:15AMI can understand why english suuporters always have high expectation for their teams but in the reality never lives up to expectation.
Can you really come up with any decent team we managed to beat recently????
Whenever we beat teams no matter how low their fifa rankings are, english supporters just can't stop hailing England playing the best football on earth, when in fact most of the time they had been playing really really bad but only won because they were playing (struglling) against weak sides. It would be very interesting to know the win ratio for england playing against the world's top 20 countries within the last 3 year.
From vitorlam on Thu May 29 10:21AMHmmm, So John Terry thinks by scoring the first goal he now qualifies as a "big man" ( http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/internati
onals/7420123.stm ). On the contrary, I don't think he even qualifies as a big girl, cos even Fergie (female musician, not Sir Alex) will tell you that "Big Girls Don't Cry".
It amuses me that the English players who openly criticize foreign players' behaviour are the same ones with questionable practices. Case in point Stevie Gerrard (a fan of melted cheese, i gather) has become a blatant diver over the last few years, and Big Man JT spitting ("allegedly" - I don't want ED visiting me in Jail whilst serving a defamation sentence) on Carlos Tevez.
I don't actually hate John Terry. I do however think there is something, - can't quite put my finger on it - about him which is just not right. No offence JT - I'm a United fan but don't actually like C Ronaldo, despite knowing that he is an "awesome" (borrowing George W Bush's new favorite word. (Watch the daily show 27 May)) player.
From aquapond1 on Thu May 29 10:22AMWatched the game last night, and I think it was quite entertaining. I just wanted to see if that Freddy Adu is any good, but he is clearly no LeBron James that they want him to be (at least not yet).
From tekumze28 on Thu May 29 10:28AMJourneymen???......I say LIAM DICKENSON FOR ENGLAND!!....At least the lower league players would put their heart into it.....Did you mot see the Lge 2 Playoff final??.....More action in that that in any of Englands last 4 games....
From adschoey on Thu May 29 11:12AMLet Christiano be left alone by the Spanish. After all is this the right time for them to go back to history? He should be left alone to continue playing for his country Portugal. He will never become a spanish. Was it because of his brilliant performances this year in the English League? or in the Champs. league? they must be very careful about it.
From nkonghowilly on Thu May 29 11:13AMAre you actually PAID to write articles like this?
From xenannon on Thu May 29 11:17AMFRANK LAMPARD LOOKS LIKE AN ELF!
Make that a fat Elf !
From nikyates on Thu May 29 11:20AMdannickbates, you really shouldn't call Mr Quieroz a sissy boy - i hought he did rather well in his Columbus analogy proving he can stick up for himslef and therefore going one step closer to land the United managerial role when SAF retires. Too bad he'll prob do a Real at United and get the sack.
Terry - "a big man for big games" - wasn't the CL final last week the biggest game he'll probably ever play in??
From koonie1984 on Thu May 29 11:29AMTo xenannon
Totally agree with you....It is a wonder that ED get's paid to write such a @#$%From al_pachino666 on Thu May 29 11:37AMLike the photo used today of Quieroz and Ronaldo. It looks like Ronaldo is trying that trick where you let spit come out your mouth and then suck it back up before it falls to the ground. He must be going for the world record or something because Quieroz is really cheering him on.
From stumpyfingers81 on Thu May 29 11:39AM
Comment on this article
Please sign in to add your comments.
This site is Copyright © 2008 Yahoo! and Eurosport. All rights reserved.
- Terms of Service
- Updated Privacy Policy
- Copyright/IP Policy
- Remarks and Suggestions
- Corporate info
- Jobs at Eurosport
Notice: We collect personal information on this site. To learn more about how we use your information, see our Privacy Policy.