Britain's Got Big-time Charlies
Fri May 30 08:59AM
In its playing days, Early Doors was a bit of a clogger. It hates pointless skills - the kind of flicks and tricks that everybody seems to love but that achieve precisely nothing.
Former world's most expensive player Denilson was the king of this, dribbling at his man with a dazzling flurry of stepovers, usually before falling over or knocking the ball out of play.
Denilson was briefly extremely popular before everyone realised he was completely useless.
This aversion to fancy-dan crap means ED also loathes futsal, that foot-volleyball game and anything that places skill and technique ahead of actually being able to play football.
Consequently, it was gratified to see the irritatingly ball-juggling Jeremy Lynch drop the ball not once but twice during his routine on Britain's Got Talent last night.
Lynch was a trialist at Arsenal before the Gunners quite understandably told him to sling his hook. He promised to show Arsene Wenger what he was missing, but instead gave an unintentionally eloquent demonstration of why Wenger thinks English players are rubbish - because, for the most part, they are.
Given the absence of actual talent on the show, Lynch was talked up by Piers Morgan as basically the second coming of Diego Maradona, or at least that chap Mr Woo who performs at Chelsea.
And herein lies the problem. Even if Lynch had not failed the most basic task of getting the ball airborne, or had not used his hands to take the ball off the back of his neck, it still wouldn't have been any better than the wannabes who perform at half-time in grounds around the country.
If Lynch had really wanted to showcase where Britain's footballers excel, he might have devised a routine in which he clogged the ball into the crowd before swearing repeatedly at Ant and Dec, got drunk on pricey alcopops and threw up on the lap of some gold-digging 19-year-old from Croydon.
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Early Doors was intrigued to see photos of a remote tribe on the Brazilian-Peruvian border. These people, who have no contact with the outside world, came out of their rudimentary thatched homes to fire arrows at a helicopter passing overhead.
Somehow, ED was reminded of Sepp Blatter. No, it wasn't the body paint, nor indeed their noble detachment from the world of money and greed.
It was their futile attempt to bring down a symbol of the modern world that brought to mind Blatter's ridiculous assault on foreign players in football.
Blatter says he wants a return to the halcyon days when players grew up within a couple of miles of the ground, teams represented their local area and bloated Swiss bureaucrats got life presidency of FIFA.
As much as Early Doors also yearns for the days of Brylcreemed hair (a tradition helpfully maintained by David Bentley), big shorts and laced-up footballs that weigh the same as watermelons, it's not going to happen.
European lawmakers have already said the half-baked 'six plus five' scheme is a load of cobblers, and even if it did go through there is still a loophole so massive you can actually see it from space.
Clubs will still be able to sign foreign under-16s and pass them off as 'homegrown' a la Cesc Fabregas, meaning the hunt for talented kids is likely to get still more intense than on a Simon Cowell-backed reality TV show (yes, another mention - ED's thinking of getting sponsorship from the great man).
Without wanting to get all Daily Mail, the thought of clubs scouring the globe for a glimpse of some prodigiously-skilled nine-year-old is profoundly unsettling.
- - -
Is it just Early Doors, or does Fabio Capello's 'insight' into Wayne Rooney's questionable temperament fall a Peter Crouch short of the brand of wisdom Soho House paid buckets of hard cash for. Slow news day or not, even Andy Townsend could have told us Rooney is a tad combustible.
Granted, it might be a little early to lampoon the suave Italian, but there was more than a touch of Groundhog Day about Wednesday's playful friendly. England lined up predictably, were predictably patchy and a defensive midfielder, Owen Hargreaves, was predictably their best player. Quite how the "knowledgeable" England fans voted the Louganis-inspired Stevie G MoM (again) is beyond us.
Sometimes it takes a fresh perspective to understand what needs to be done with our* hopelessly uninspired national team, which is precisely why Early Doors sauntered along to Club Wembley accompanied by a genuine American sports fan. The days of ridiculing our soccer-loving transatlantic cousins may be numbered.
"You know, the England team do a lot of nice things with the ball," he said. "But you've got a bunch of guys out there who play like complete fairies.
"That animal man Rooney though, you need more like him. He gets so pissed (angry, not drunk - we think) every time he loses the ball and he looks like he's gonna rip somebody's head off to get it back. If all your players were like that you might have a chance to win the damn World Cup again."
What about David Beckham, ED asked, should he be part of our plans going forward under Fabio and Grooverider (There's no real reason to give Stuart Pearce this moniker yet, but give it time)?
"Beckham takes all the set plays right? (ED - Yep, every single one, the ball-hogging show-off) He's pretty darn good at those, and he gets some mean curl, but the guy can hardly run. He looks like he's 40 years old out there."
And there it is, at last some real insight into this England team - courtesy of some guy from North Carolina. Perhaps we don't need a manager at all.
*Early Doors would like to claim neutrality in the British Isles, but let's be honest Scotland, Wales and the two Irish Sunday League sides remain neither good enough for acclaim, or interesting enough to criticise. That long-lost great aunt from Ballymena can stay in the closet where she belongs.
- - -
RUMOUR OF THE DAY: The Daily Express says one of England's most popular footballers has run up £1m in gambling debts. Disappointingly there's something wrong with the lighting on their picture of him - it's so dark you can't even make out any facial features.
FOREIGN VIEW: "Cristiano has already decided to go to Madrid." Marca report from Madeira, where Ronaldo's Godfather risks getting a horse's head in his bed from one A. Ferguson.
TALKING POINT: It's a while since Early Doors was taken down a peg or two, so here's a selection from yesterday's chorus of disapproval.
brendanandkatka: "Mostly childish drivel"
xenannon: "Are you actually PAID to write articles like this?"
alpachino_666: "Totally agree with you....It is a wonder that ED get's paid to write such a crap"
nikyates: "FRANK LAMPARD LOOKS LIKE AN ELF! Make that a fat Elf !"
COMING UP: Nothing. Not a sausage. Why not follow Andy Murray's 'progress' in the tennis instead?
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From jacquesbittar on Fri May 30 09:04AMfirst
From matthewwardhaugh on Fri May 30 09:04AMYAWN ok sorry very kak blog today
From dannickbates on Fri May 30 09:10AMWell done ED, you are right about the Irish League, as originally from Northern Ireland I have seen these sides play. They are so wooden, and slow. I've seen Buses with a better turning circle. But then again there is no money in that league. C'mon Bangor!
From adamjbell2007 on Fri May 30 09:14AMOf all the players at ManUtd, they let Paul Scholes teach Rooney how to tacle...
From tekumze28 on Fri May 30 09:17AMJames Smith, your avatar looks like Mourinho's pic on Eurosport's homepage
From double_t_uk2002 on Fri May 30 09:26AMWhats the point of early doors?
From xile2k5 on Fri May 30 09:26AMIreland might not be "interesting" enough to criticise or good enough to acclaim? The reign of Il Trap will turn you around Ed, mark my words. England signed the wrong Italian to lead them to glory...now where did I leave that pint of Guinness?......
From denisclohessy on Fri May 30 09:28AMCan i suggest that there's a prize for first post every day, like a life ban from posting for all the sad tossers who think it's big or clever to come first, have a word with your Mrs' they'll put you straight on that boys.
From vincentvegaman on Fri May 30 09:30AMcom'on ED, there's some nice international matches to talk about!! Italy - Belgium, Austria - Malta (I'm betting on Malta), and the Scots vs the Chechs!!
From savorelli on Fri May 30 09:38AMI feel sorry for ED now there is virtually no football to pass inane judgements on, how about us all sending in a joke to cheer them up?
From reynoldsj_2000 on Fri May 30 09:44AMOnly 11 comments but I have already spotted 3 spelling mistakes. Might I suggest that instead of passing judgement on others you learn to educate yourselves first. (God I hope I've spelt it all right/write/rite)
From paulchappell82 on Fri May 30 09:50AMAn elderly couple go to the doctors for a check up, the doctor says to the old man "I need a sample of your urine, a sample of your poo and a sample of your sperm" The old man turns to his wife and says "What did he say?" His wife replies "He said he wants your underpants"
From reynoldsj_2000 on Fri May 30 09:51AMwhy are people on this correcting spelling, it's not on! and denisclohessy is rightyo, we have got the right italia, BACK OF THE NET!!!
From dustbrother101 on Fri May 30 09:54AMAdamjbell never mind Bangor, Cliftonville for the league next season! C'mon the reds.
From yearzero81 on Fri May 30 09:59AMlike ive said many times before, when england beat a top nation, u can consider yourselfs worthy of talking about. Truth is scotland ARE more interesting, they have better fans, better attitude, actually enjoy playing for their country (i dont include rangers players in that as they fake injury come friendlys), oh and did i mention, we also (consistantly)beat TOP nations. France (home & away), Holland, & not to mention taking points of both germany and italy. top that en-ger-land
From marcgrant7 on Fri May 30 10:03AMWhy the hell do people think Beckham is so good at set-pieces?
I'd like to seem some statistics, but I'm sure that he wastes 9 out of 10 for England. Doesn't anyone remember the World Cup 06, he barely got a single corner off the ground let alone near another England player!
"But he scored that freekick against Estonia or Columbia or someone!"
Yeah, whatever, it sucked. Put an actual goalkeeper in there and they would have stopped it easily.
He's useless, and I can't believe anyone can't see it!!! I find myself tearing my eyelids off every single England match, just because there's geriatric tattoo collection on the right wing. Bentley, Cole, Lennon, Wright-Phillips, even Hargreaves looks ok on the right, why keep picking him?
Oh, because he's made of cold hard cash money.
From grahamhopgood on Fri May 30 10:05AMSorry ED, don't get me wrong....I always follow your articles, but recently you wasn't doing too well
Anyway, it's good to have some critisim, it's refreshing....From al_pachino666 on Fri May 30 10:11AMThose that post "first" when they come 2nd must feel like right cun.ts! (no names mentioned)
From double_t_uk2002 on Fri May 30 10:13AMwith no real football worth comment,lets stick to,Britains got talent,the pundits talking @#$% are just as funny as the so called"footie know it alls"that includes you ED.PS,lamps is king of the midfield,(sorry,couldnt resist)
From hometerryblue on Fri May 30 10:15AMI could be wrong, but I was under the impression that ED was written by three guys who work for Eurosport. I just don't understand why people assume they're highly paid superstars (Club Wembley guys??) when in reality they probably don't earn as much as people assume journalists do. At the end of the day ED is a blog, so before they set about writing serious articles about other sports like handball and cheese-rolling, they show that they're not just sports writers, but humourous creative writers.
One day, they'll get a better offer from the Derbyshire Echo, or Nuts, and when they leave, you'll all @#$% about how ED isn't as great as it used to be.
From splatrowe on Fri May 30 10:16AMOk, fair play to the guy who sits there all day reading our comments, and censoring bad language. Would it have remained if i'd used it in the canine context?
From splatrowe on Fri May 30 10:26AMA feeble attempt to annoy the Scots, ED. I'm better at it and I only half-mean it. Shall we send Kevmun's father-in-law to Croydon or Potter's bar or wherever drink your pint of John Smith's shandy to talk to you quietly, very quietly?
There's a tribe in the Matto Grosso in Brazil that plays a game like football only they use their heads to hit the ball along the ground. I translated a travel book by Rudolf Schuster, a former president of Slovakia, who visited them in 1991.
Double t, I'm much better looking than Mourinho so my wife tells me.
From james_ssmith on Fri May 30 10:43AMYeah i'm refusing to bite today, ED. Shame on you for such blatant s**t-stirring.
From kevmun82 on Fri May 30 10:53AMSince when was the word b i t e considered censorable?
From kevmun82 on Fri May 30 10:53AMWell, they appear to have un-censored my word now...
From splatrowe on Fri May 30 11:00AMb i t e in french means d i c k
From double_t_uk2002 on Fri May 30 11:05AMnot impressed by any of this at all
From roxydgurl on Fri May 30 11:08AMif i were a cartoon, id be in love with roxydgurl.xxxxxx
From hometerryblue on Fri May 30 11:15AMBeckham may be a little slow(he ALWAYS was) but without him, JT would still be sobbing for England post-Moscow... Made his day, that goal did!
From mikegscott43 on Fri May 30 11:16AM
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