Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Soccer is pants

Tue Oct 28 08:56AM

Four years ago, FIFA chief Sepp Blatter unveiled his plan to popularise women's football - hotpants.

"Let the women play in more feminine clothes like they do in volleyball," he drooled.

"They could, for example, have tighter shorts. Female players are pretty, if you excuse me for saying so."

Until that moment, Early Doors had only ever associated tight shorts with football in the late 1980s, which was anything but sexy.

Since Blatter's remarks, ED has never been able to watch old footage of Stuart Pearce's thunder thighs smashing home a free-kick in the same light.

Surprisingly, the women's game did not take kindly to his remarks, and has largely resisted the temptation to take the field wearing nothing but body paint and strategically-located tassels.

That hasn't stopped Blatter showing his face at the Women's Under-17 World Cup - now showing on Eurosport (corporate brownie point).

While the female gender stubbornly refuses to turn its sport into a peep show to gain popularity, Major League Soccer would appear to have no such qualms.

Recognising the power of sex, MLS has focused its recruitment drive exclusively on players who have got their crackers out in underwear adverts.

David Beckham's Armani ad provoked fevered debate over whether his package had been digitally enhanced.

Victoria claimed it had not, and lived up to her Posh reputation by daintily declaring: '"He does have a huge one, though. He does. You can see it in the advert. It is all his."

Now Freddie Ljungberg is on the verge of signing for the Seattle Sounders. The Swede was a decent player in the dim-and-distant past.

In 2002 Arsenal managed to win the league after scoring the same goal in 23 consecutive matches - Ljungberg cutting in from the wing to finish from a Dennis Bergkamp through ball.

Now Freddie is only known for his novel approach to shoplifting courgettes but his sex appeal should be enough to stir a bit of interest from Seattle's caffeine-fuelled female population.

In the run-up to the 2006 World Cup, unsuspecting tramps had to share their bus shelter with Gennaro Gattuso's testicles as the Italian squad took part in a staggeringly oily Dolce and Gabbana advert.

So don't be surprised if Beckham returns to Los Angeles with Gattuso stowed away in his hand luggage - or indeed Fabio Cannavaro, Gianluca Zambrotta, Andrea Pirlo or Manuele Blasi.

Based on the state of Jermain Defoe's briefs (pictured above), Spurs will face minimal competition from across the pond when they re-sign him from Portsmouth.

- - -

Once upon a time, footballers used to kiss the badge of their shirt as a sign of loyalty. It was a genuine show of love for their club and of empathy with the fans.

Early Doors cannot remember exactly when that time was, but it must have been long ago, when more than half a dozen players spent their entire careers at the same club.

A time when an England international like Steve Bull never played in the top flight because he only wished to do so with Wolverhampton Wanderers.

Nowadays, the gesture is no longer meant to show the unbreakable bond between the player and his adoring public. It exists merely to wind up the other lot.

Wayne Rooney kissed his Manchester United badge on Saturday after copping no end of stick from Everton fans. The same ones to whom he proudly displayed his 'Once a blue always a blue' t-shirt a few years ago.

He was wisely substituted before a full-scale riot broke out and narrowly avoided an FA charge.

Meanwhile over in Sunderland, Joey Barton reacted to a hail of abuse, plastic bottles and coins by planting a smacker on the badge of his Newcastle training top. Cue pandemonium.

Even when a one-club man like Gary Neville kisses his badge (although ED doubts he would have been so loyal if he had started at Bury) it is directed not at Manchester United's fans, but Liverpool's.

- - -

Is there no way Sir Allen Stanford can be persuaded to make a bid for Newcastle United?

Stanford appears to have turned cricket into a real-life version of Indecent Proposal. He will pay England $20 million if they can win a Twenty20 games against a West Indies B team on Saturday.

In return, he gets to canoodle with their WAGs during matches.

Stanford bounced wicketkeeper Matthew Prior's pregnant wife Emily on his knee during England's game against Middlesex, with Alastair Cook's missus in close attendance.

The pictures were beamed around the ground on the big screen while England were fielding, perhaps contributing to a string of dropped catches that David James could have held.

According to Stuart Broad: "Matt had a bit of a shocked look on his face, especially as his wife is pregnant."

ED would die a happy blog if it could see Stanford in the crowd at a Premier League game with Michael Owen's wife sitting on his lap.

- - -

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Whatever John is doing, it seems to be working for him! We all motivate ourselves in different ways. Maybe that is his way!" Stiliyan Petrov considers popping down to Spearmint Rhino after John Carew's fine for visiting to a lap-dancing club prefaced a brilliant performance against Wigan.

FOREIGN VIEW: Feel the wrath of Jose! Gazzetta dello Sport claims Mourinho has had enough of Internazionale's night owl Adriano and has banished him from the first team along with Julio Cruz.

COMING UP: Premier League football on a Tuesday - what a treat. Newcastle take on West Bromwich Albion in a relegation six-pointer. Not interested? Remember - Joey Barton is involved and he's likely to do something ridiculous.

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