Deluded fantasists
Wed Jun 04 08:51AM
With Euro 2008 now only a matter of days away (although, if we're being pedantic, it's always been only a matter of days away, depending on your chosen unit of time measurement) Early Döorß is busily assembling its fantasy football team using the brilliant, if puzzlingly Germanic, eurosport.yahoo.co.uk Euro 2008 Fantasy Football game.
And having taken time out from sweating over the fitness of Turkey midfielder Hamit Altintop and hoping 38-year-old Ivica Vastic can replicate the form he showed in Austria's 5-1 thrashing of Malta last week, Early Döorß is proud to present its guide to the many weird and wonderful faces of the fantasy football enthusiast...
The Expert
Floods his team with obscure squad players from teams like Poland, Russia and Romania just to prove he knows who they are and refuses to pick obvious big-name points scorers such as Cristiano Ronaldo and Fernando Torres because their presence in his team would seriously damage his football-swot credibility. Likely to spend the entire tournament seething that his ill-informed competitors are all beating him.
The Trash Talker
Talks up his chances weeks before the tournament is set to begin, despite having not watched a live game of football since about 1997. When picking his team he's surprised to find that Zinedine Zidane is no longer a member of the French squad, and doesn't really understand why Argentina aren't involved. Will likely finish last, whereupon he'll claim he wasn't really that bothered anyway and is actually much more of a cricket man.
The Statistician
Not a football fan by nature, The Statistician nonetheless constructs a surprisingly impressive team thanks to hours spent studying the qualifying round statistics on the UEFA website and thereby ascertaining that Holland's Wesley Sneijder can be relied upon for more shots on target than any other midfielder and that Romania's Paul Codrea is best avoided because he has a higher yellow-cards-to-minutes-on-pitch ratio than any other player at the tournament.
The Novice
Typically female, The Novice is coerced into picking a team by enthusiastic colleagues/friends and resolutely abides by selection criteria based on attractiveness of kit and silliness of name (thereby guaranteeing the popularity of Romanian full-back Razvan Rat and Austrian midfielder Christian Fuchs). Doesn't fully understand how fantasy football - or, indeed, football - works, but will still finish comfortably ahead of The Expert.
The Jammy Git
Will leave his team to the very last minute and then infuriate everyone by just happening to select the Team of the Tournament three weeks before it's actually announced. The kind of innocently unknowing opportunist who picked free-scoring defenders like Joleon Lescott and Martin Laursen at the beginning of the last Premier League season, he'll probably win his mates mini-league despite leaving his team untouched from the first round of matches onwards.
The Devotee
Tries to adopt the insouciance of The Jammy Git, despite everyone knowing he is spending hours on his team selection and is desperate to do well. Will lose sleep over whether Lukas Podolski is guaranteed a starting berth alongside Miroslav Klose in the Germany team, and can be found obsessively reading and re-reading team news pieces in order to decipher hitherto undiscovered hidden meanings in the word 'doubtful'.
- - -
At this stage of proceedings, Early Döorß would like to express its genuine, heartfelt, don't-wait-for-a-punchline-because-there-isn't-going-to-be-one admiration for Aston Villa, who've just announced a shirt sponsorship deal with Birmingham-based kids charity Acorns.
Like their claret and blue counterparts over at Barcelona - who currently bear the logo of Unicef on their shirts - Villa will display the charity's name free of charge for the whole of the 2008-2009 season, thereby striking a blow for decency in a league awash with grubby-fingered agents, loose-moralled foreign owners and infantile millionaire footballers who idolise gun-toting hip hop stars with all the unabashed gusto of pre-pubescent McFly fans.
- - -
Speaking of loose-moralled foreign owners, Mark Hughes was confronted with the footballing equivalent of Catch-22 when forced to consider apparently competing bids for his services from Chelsea's Roman Abramovic and Manchester City's Thaksin Shinawatra.
That he chose City in order to somehow further his career will seem incongruous to anyone with even a cursory knowledge of the club's spectacular lack of success over the last 40 years, while his hopes of one day succeeding Sir Alex Ferguson as manager of Manchester United can only be harmed by whatever he achieves at City.
Succeed, and he'll become hated by the United fans for being the man to restore their city rivals to former glories. Fail, and he'll join a long list of promising up-and-coming managers who failed at supposed big clubs faster than you can say David O'Leary.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "I'm very intelligent" - Jose Mourinho on how he learned Italian so quickly ahead of being named coach at Internazionale, thereby demonstrating that, along with ants and cockroaches, his arrogance would probably be one of the few things on earth to survive a nuclear apocalypse.
FOREIGN VIEW: Good news for Everton fans, who won their first title in 32 years last night, ending years of heartbreak and providing the faintest glimmer of hope that their long-held inferiority complex might soon be a thing of the past. Sadly for fans of the Toffees, Early Döorß is of course referring to the Everton who defeated Colo Colo 3-0 to clinch the Chilean Apertura championship, rather than their 'People's Club! People's Club! Don't forget to mention we're the People's Club!' Merseyside namesakes.
TALKING POINT: Following on from Aston Villa's example, what is the nicest thing you've ever seen in football?
Paolo Di Canio passing up on an open goal to allow Everton goalie Paul Gerrard to receive treatment for an injury? Robbie Fowler trying to dissuade referee Gerald Ashby from awarding a penalty he'd just won with a dive in a game at Arsenal? Or maybe, like Early Döorß, you prefer watching the video footage of John Terry's post-Champions League final tears on an infinite loop while cackling manically and stroking a nearby cat.
And in the wake of the stellar success of yesterday's tell-us-who-you-hate thread, feel free to keep the abuse coming.
lewishoward_candj earns an honourable mention for his impeccable taste in morons, if not for his spelling:
"List of Muppetts:
Chris Moyles - not funny, just fat.
Tim Westwood - need i say more.
Ashton Kutcher - Who likes him?
Adam Sadler - I would just like to punch him.
Rio Ferdinand - Drugs cheat
Ricardo Carvaleo (however you spell it) - looks like a weasel"
COMING UP: All the latest Euro 2008 news, more fabricated transfer rumours than you can shake a big stick at in Transfer Talk and, if you don't like football (and well done for getting this far if you don't), there's quarter-final action from the French Open tennis.
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From benjipoulton on Wed Jun 04 08:53AM@ benjipoulton: and whats your point? nobody cares u lousy peice of toad ass fluff we went thru this yesterday...if you dont have anything to comment about from the blog SHUT YOUR STEAMING PIE HOLE!!!!
the nicest thing ive seen in football? erm .....
From dannickbates on Wed Jun 04 09:11AMrussia is going to win euro 2008 coming from no where to destroy greece 3-4
From dannickbates on Wed Jun 04 09:13AMThat list of folk was good till the last 1. Carvalho looks like a cartoon character, like suhin ud find in Scooby Doo maybe. I like him but.
I mainly agreed with the 1st 2 on the list. Being fat isnt a talent, people need to realise!
OH and btw, Shut up about John Terry!
From sav46e on Wed Jun 04 09:18AMHerr Doorss, quite a fantastic article. The nicest thing I've seen in recent memory is Kim Do-Heon stroking in the first goal against QPR to give the Baggies thier first league title in 88 years. As you've said, Di Canio's catch was a bit special too.
From diego_marijuana85 on Wed Jun 04 09:22AM@ dannick your just jealous! Plus russia wont win, germany are going to win, against spain, on penalties. I've got it written in my journal from the future.
From benjipoulton on Wed Jun 04 09:29AMOut of all 145 comments from yesterday i find it very disheartening that you chose that piece of @#$% to put up. Obviously you didn't look at the comments, you just went to the last page and chose that awfully spelled piece of @#$% in which i had previously mentioned half those people earlier on.
Where is the consistency ED? where is the passion for your job? I wish i had said that I hate you yesterday ED because I do.
From the_kop2003 on Wed Jun 04 09:32AMNicest thing: Van Nistelroy's last miinute penalty miss for Man U against Arsenal, the then to become Invincibles. Thanks Ruud.
From eliotot on Wed Jun 04 09:34AMha ha ha spain in the final, you crack me up Benji. Not going to fall for that old one again, been caught out to many times before.
From kev_tech2003 on Wed Jun 04 09:35AMProbably when the "Special One" congratulated the other team for beating them fairly, soundly and because they were the better team with the better manager...er, wait was the question, something we have actually seen?
From antfarmz on Wed Jun 04 09:36AMi fully agree with you the_kop2003 we dominated yesterday and i feel we at least deserved a mention with all the $#17 we put up with
From dannickbates on Wed Jun 04 09:38AMI broke a guy's leg in a horrific two footed lunge, then rang him an ambulance - that was pretty decent of me.
From the_kop2003 on Wed Jun 04 09:41AM@ benjipoulton if i where jealous you tool then i would have said something along the lines of oh F### that idiot just beat me to the first post i hope he burns in %#&*! yes now i hate you! with a burning (pun intended) passion
From dannickbates on Wed Jun 04 09:45AMthe nicest thing ive seen in football was Craig Brewsters piledriver from half a yard to win the scottish cup for dundee united in 1994. the parade wasnt half bad either!!
From marcgrant7 on Wed Jun 04 09:48AMIt's just laziness dannick, pure lazyness. They don't even bother responding to comments like they occasionally used to.
It wasn't a bad article this morning but it just annoyed me that they chose that crappy little comment as an "honourable mention for his impeccable taste in morons".
Early Doors are morons.
From the_kop2003 on Wed Jun 04 09:51AM@ dannick how is 4 - 3 destroying the other team? it is a good game by the sound of it. 7 - 0 is a destruction.
do everyone a favour and remove the "ann" from your name then it will fit properly.
From dozey_gsy on Wed Jun 04 09:57AMI think Kaka's tribute to Antonio Puerta (the footballer that died on the pitch shortly before the game) by celebrating his goal with the Sevilla fans during the 2007 Ufea Super cup was a nice moment in football.
From davewhitt_2002 on Wed Jun 04 09:59AMThe nicest thing i've seen in a while is the lovely welcome i've had on this board on the first time i've posted here
The nicest thing in football - i like the way the likes of ronaldo, and gerrard, fall over without the defenders having to go to all the bother of touching them. jolly decent.From benjipoulton on Wed Jun 04 10:01AMKop2003 - was this at the pub or on the footie pitch?
From andywalker269 on Wed Jun 04 10:04AMthe nicest thing iv seen in football?
your smiles early doors
your smiles
From matthewwardhaugh on Wed Jun 04 10:09AMNicest thing I've seen in football was all the City fans respecting the minute's silence to remember Munich this year. I never imagined that they'd pull it off, but it brought a tear to my eye when they did.
From not_blonde_really on Wed Jun 04 10:12AMwhile i was having my breakfast i was watching, man.u & dave beckham news.com (sky sports) when on came ferguson & he admitted he got something wrong, no ! i am not drunk or insane, ferguson admitted he was wrong ! when he sold jaap stam.
From nigelphysick on Wed Jun 04 10:16AMCome on Kop2003, stop the hating. I'm harldy in the same league as samuelbanks or that chav yesterday
From lewishoward_candj on Wed Jun 04 10:16AMoh dear,kop2003 has a cob on again,seems he really does behave like his team.if it dont go his or their way,then its toys out of pram time.
From hometerryblue on Wed Jun 04 10:17AMnice 1! different faces of football enthusiasts was cool!
From vishesh_totla on Wed Jun 04 10:25AMoh dear, John Terry is still crying.
From the_kop2003 on Wed Jun 04 10:25AMlewishoward_candj i'm not having a go at you, i just think there were better posts yesterday that should have been mentioned. Plus, they asked for which Early Doors poster you hate the most, not just a general who do you hate rant.
Chelsea couldn't even get Mark Hughes! Haha! So Cashley Cole, Essien, Drogba, Carvahlo, Lampard all to be at Inter come August? Worth a bet that at least 3 of those will be!
From the_kop2003 on Wed Jun 04 10:28AMtrue, i was more suprised than most when i got mentioned! PS we won it 5 times.
From lewishoward_candj on Wed Jun 04 10:29AMWell done ED,apart from the chelsea bashing,not bad.
From hometerryblue on Wed Jun 04 10:30AMhaha i am a long -time reader, first time comment. i love this blog, it is unmittigated genius!
as for the nicest moment in football i have seen... despite the tragic deahts that resulted form it, i would ahve to say Iraq winning the asian cup./From corolladisser on Wed Jun 04 10:32AM
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