Football's most pointless jobs
Thu Nov 06 08:32AM
There was a time when Tottenham's new acquisition Les Ferdinand would have been called a coach.
But football has fallen victim to management speak, and Sir Les is rather pompously described as a 'strikers' consultant'.
Early Doors explains what those ridiculous job titles really mean.
Strikers' consultant - Les Ferdinand, Tottenham Hotspur
It sounds like he should be offering advice to disgruntled postal workers, but apparently that is not the case. Harry Redknapp seems to have taken a shine to pundits on upstart Irish satellite channels, having already brought Tim Sherwood to Spurs. Ferdinand clearly didn't want to give up offering penetrating insights like "Joe Kinnear has got a lot of charm" and settled for a consultancy role that will consist of an hour and a half a week spent swearing at Roman Pavlyuchenko in Estuary English.
Vice-president (player recruitment) - Tony Jimenez, Newcastle United
What is most puzzling about Jimenez's vice-presidency is that Newcastle do not appear to have a president. He probably just fancied being the Sarah Palin of Tyneside. Essentially, it meant he was in charge of buying mediocre Hispanic players and Danny Guthrie until he sensibly beat a hasty retreat last month. Probably the most nebulous and grandiose job title in the world. Except the one below...
Executive director (football) - Dennis Wise, Newcastle United
A spectacularly meaningless title, making conflict over Wise's role all but inevitable. Manager Kevin Keegan insisted: "Dennis will report to me". Wise begged to differ - he was executive director (football), after all - and Keegan was predictably eased out of the club. Wise is still there, you know, doing whatever it is he does.
Faith healer - Eileen Drewery, England
At least we know what she did - namely, shove Darren Anderton into a broom cupboard full of incense candles and rub his oh-so-breakable ligaments, tendons and muscles while making soothing dolphin noises. Oddly, it seemed to work. Said Drewery after Glenn Hoddle's karma-induced sacking from the England job: "He has offered so much to invalids I can't tell you." Which is presumably why she didn't.
Head of human performance - Dr Richard Hawkins, Manchester United
Early Doors can just about get its head around the concept of a performance director, but why bother inserting the word 'human' into the job description. Is there a head of inhuman performance? Are United secretly preparing a team of robots to deliberately injure Arsenal's remaining fit players at the weekend? Maybe ED has said too much...
International football consultant - Sir Bobby Robson, Republic of Ireland
Aged 73 and suffering from increasingly serious health problems, Bobby Robson obviously shouldn't have been working in 2006 but loved football enough to agree to show Republic of Ireland boss Steve Staunton the ropes. Despite his age and battle with cancer, most Irish fans would have preferred Sir Bobby in the dugout to Staunton, whose main achievements were re-naming himself Steven and describing San Marino as "difficult to break down".
Honorary president - Thaksin Shinawatra, Manchester City
The ultimate Get Out of Jail Free card. Thaksin's new role at Eastlands is, in modern parlance, non-executive. Which means he doesn't do anything. Except have an excuse not to go to prison in Thailand. City have nine honorary presidents - Early Doors wants to know in which South-East Asian country Eric Alexander, Sir Howard Bernstein, Tony Book, Raymond Donn, Michael Horwich, Ian Niven MBE, Keith Pinner and Tudor Thomas are wanted men.
Football advisor - David Pleat, Marbella
Early in 2008, the much-travelled Pleat took on this role at Spanish lower-league side Marbella. Note again the superfluous use of 'football' - it's not like you'd ask David Pleat for advice on anything else. At least he had the good grace to admit his real reason for joining: "I have owned a property here for a long time." Pleat's extensive scouting network soon came up trumps with the signing of Tommy Mooney.
Stupid job titles that don't exist but should
Multiball service facilitator - Ball boy
Fluid replenishment executive (heated) - Tea lady
Upper-body identification enhancement supervisor - Bloke who hands out bibs in training
Tranquility maintenance consultant - Arsenal fan
Junior vice president for opposition goal donation - Titus Bramble
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Last time I said that it was men against boys but we're not boys, we are men. That's what we have shown tonight. They are far better than us. Technically they are a million miles away from us but what we did show tonight was that we are men." Gordon Strachan will make love to you. And if you're not a fan of Grammy Award-winning early-90s vocal harmony groups, ignore that last comment.
REASONS WHY JOHN TERRY SHOULDN'T MOVE TO SOUTH AMERICA, NO.687: Botafogo defender Andre Luis was sent off for grabbing the referee's yellow card as the Brazilian side were knocked out of the Copa Sudamericana by Argentina's Estudiantes. Andre Luis who earlier this year was frog-marched out of the stadium by police after being sent off in a Brazilian championship match against Nautico, was booked following his involvement in a 68th-minute brawl. He then snatched the yellow card from referee Carlos Chandia and was promptly sent off.
FOREIGN VIEW: Early Doors can tell it is going to enjoy the Diego Maradona era with Argentina. He got his reign under way by announcing that he rarely gets up before midday and then apparently forgot he had said Sergio Batista and Jose Luis Brown would be his assistants - Oscar Ruggeri and his friend Alejandro Mancuso are the new front-runners. Maradona arrived in Spain wearing a spectacular pair of sunglasses to watch his Real Madrid players last night but, tragically, declined to speak to reporters.
COMING UP: Who cares about the UEFA Cup? We do. Manchester City face Steve McClaren's masshive underdogsh FC Twente, Tottenham take on Dinamo Zagreb and Aston Villa fans will drag themselves out of tacky tourist pubs in the old town long enough to watch their boys play Slavia Prague. We'll have full live coverage from 19:45 UK time.
last
From jarharnamme on Thu Nov 06 08:33AMLast Night gives a good example of why Arsene Wenger needs to "suck it up" and "stop acting like a little @#$%". United managed to draw a game which they clearly deserved to win, yet you don't get SAF moaning about the other team trying to stifle their style of play. Its football, that's the whole point- to win the game. Stifling the other team's style goes a long way to helping you win a match. Capeash Wenger!
From aquapond1 on Thu Nov 06 08:33AMAre you ready? Cause I am
Said I'm ready to party yeaGrab your coat, get your keys
Cause whatever you're drinking
It's on me
Stay here if you want to, stare if you want to
But I gots to party, needs me a party
Came here to get ya, but I can't wait
To grab me a partner and cut a rug up 2niteI found a place yea
Where we could boogie, boogie 2nite
I found a place yea
Where we could boogie, boogie 2nite
From anne_helm on Thu Nov 06 08:35AMMorning. Anne, you recovered from last night/day then? Or has the fact you had to go to work simply made you delirious? ;)
From danny_saks on Thu Nov 06 08:48AMmorning sunshines
From mattymogo on Thu Nov 06 08:50AM5 Haddaway and @#$% Johnny!
From danny_saks on Thu Nov 06 08:51AMJunior vice president for opposition goal donation - Titus Bramble = NICE
From mattymogo on Thu Nov 06 08:52AM8 I hadn't heard that mate. Well, I'm sure the general concencus at home will that he will not be missed! Reminds me of when Wednesday bought Andy Booth from Huddersfield cos he was profilific in the lower leagues. Did nothing for us, went back to Huddersfield and was proflific again. Hope Chops is the same for you.
From danny_saks on Thu Nov 06 08:54AMCredit to Celtic for a solid performance and heroic defending. But Utd played some great attacking football as well - some sharper finishing and we could've had the 3 points...
From jcverm on Thu Nov 06 08:59AM"Junior vice president for opposition goal donation - Titus Bramble" I'd say that Titus is now a senior figure in that role and also he is actually dangerous at both ends not just his own,so more the title should be "Senior vice president for goal donations and aquisitions" or to shorten that "chief executive of comical goals"
From sikka316 on Thu Nov 06 09:00AM12 - matymogos avatar looks like he's being probed by Bungle and enjoyiny it... Man Utd = lucky, Arsenal = sucky.
From danny_saks on Thu Nov 06 09:04AMI so much fancy early doors! If not for anything, it facilitates my vocabulary
From auwal_yau on Thu Nov 06 09:05AMJohnny - quite frankly I'm too busy counting my vast personal fortune to bother myself with auditioning you, I will send round one of my people to give you the once over though, you can expect Louis at about 1pm.
From sikka316 on Thu Nov 06 09:09AM12, Never noticed that before lol, but in the big picture im catchin a ball (american football that is)
From mattymogo on Thu Nov 06 09:10AMOn the evidence of this weeks performances. EPL = 'best league in the world(tm)' = not!
From danny_saks on Thu Nov 06 09:10AMI so much fancy early doors! If not for anything, it facilitates my vocabulary and most times relieves some work pressure off my head, buy humorous comments ''Are United secretly preparing a team of robots to deliberately injure Arsenal's remaining fit players at the weekend?''
From auwal_yau on Thu Nov 06 09:11AMI so much fancy early doors! If not for anything, it facilitates my vocabulary and most times relieves some work pressure off my head, by humorous comments ''Are United secretly preparing a team of robots to deliberately injure Arsenal's remaining fit players at the weekend?''
From auwal_yau on Thu Nov 06 09:11AM18 - I think you should do a Peter Kay and audition as Rachels Daughter, Johnny. Then the 'once over' from Louis won't be so bad.
From danny_saks on Thu Nov 06 09:12AMchief of simulation dramatisation = ronaldo
From jediknight20001 on Thu Nov 06 09:16AMMost pointless job in football?
Fuckinghell ED thats got to be yours surely
From fitbutfrustrated on Thu Nov 06 09:17AMCut a rug up oh yea
Morning Helmster you were missed!!
Morning everyone else stay if you want to but I got to party
From fitbutfrustrated on Thu Nov 06 09:18AMMorning all,
Congrats celtic on the point, they're still hanging in there, altho qualification looks almost impossible. A win at home for arsenal against kiev should be enough to put the gunners through.
From jay8my on Thu Nov 06 09:18AMLouis will bring round all the "equipment" he needs to fully assess your "potential". Sinita is unfortunately to busy to go to your audition, she is at home in my castle polishing up all my 1&2p coins using Cilit Bang!
From sikka316 on Thu Nov 06 09:20AMTheres no tacky tourist pubs in prague. Cheeky get.
From jayfive247 on Thu Nov 06 09:21AMMorning Danny johnny fbf Jay thanks for your emails
From anne_helm on Thu Nov 06 09:21AMI do love a shiny tu'pence!
From sikka316 on Thu Nov 06 09:21AM32 - well we were concerned about you Anne. Tho there was obviously no need.... ;)
From danny_saks on Thu Nov 06 09:22AMJohnny ive seen cardiff are getting chopra again, he was quite prolific last time round but remember he hasn't played 'hardly any' football for sunderland so hes not going to be at his sharpest.
From jay8my on Thu Nov 06 09:22AMActually when did chopra ever get a good run in a sunderland shirt?? Forget what i said before, chopra should be on the goal trail in no time.
From jay8my on Thu Nov 06 09:25AMSimon Cowell/sikka - i know u said i wasn't good enough to clean ur helicopter but u wait, im going to have 5 platinum albums with jam before you know it....you'll see.
p.s any chance of another audition??From jay8my on Thu Nov 06 09:27AM
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