Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Divine intervention

Mon Feb 25 08:26AM

Matthew 20:16: 'So the last shall be first, and the first last'

Time was, the only sense in which the Carling Cup final could be described as 'first' was chronologically. It trailed in last for importance, interest and usually quality, as anyone who sat through Middlesbrough versus Bolton in 2004 will tell you.

Everything about the Carling Cup screams "second-rate". The competition is sponsored by one of the most nondescript beers in the world (not the most nondescript, obviously, for it does not even excel at mediocrity). In fact, if you Google "Cooking Lager", a page about Carling is, appropriately enough, second.

The Premier League uses swish Nike balls; the Carling Cup has to make do with Mitre. Champions League shirts have snazzy logos stitched into their arms - the Carling Cup logos look like they are stuck on lopsidedly with Pritt Stick.

It was in that spirit that Sky trotted out a reserve commentary team featuring Alans Parry and Smith, while Richard Keys was given the afternoon off and sent to an exclusive health spa to get the backs of his hands waxed.

But, lo, the occasion produced an excellent game that overcame a slow start to become - and Early Doors doesn't use this word lightly - engrossing (Early Doors probably shouldn't use the word in any context since it doesn't fully understand its meaning).

The only thing second-rate about the game was the goalkeeping. Paul Robinson was probably pondering the demise of 'Doughnut Day' under Ramos when Didier Drogba's free-kick whizzed past him, while Petr Cech picked the worst possible time to unveil his Jim Leighton impression, punching the ball right into Jonathan Woodgate's grateful mush.

Given the somewhat biblical nature of Tottenham's underdog triumph, it was appropriate that their winner was scored by a man who looks a lot like Jesus.

Will this herald a new era for Spurs? Of course not. They are still Spurs, after all, the kings of the false dawn. It is all part of the cycle, and will probably lead to unrealistic demands of Champions League football from the board, followed by the inevitable sacking of Ramos.

As for Chelsea, Early Doors imagines a brooding Roman Abramovich watching the game aboard a yacht in the Caribbean, contemplating the reality that half a billion quid only gets you a team of runners-up.

Add yesterday's result to their defeat in the Community Shield, and it really has been a miserable season in the minor silverware stakes.

Half-time in extra time provided an interesting insight into the Stamford Bridge dressing room, as John '*******' Terry delivered an expletive-filled team talk while Avram Grant lurked silently in the background.

You can hardly imagine Jose Mourinho missing that kind of opportunity to address his players in front of millions of people.

- - -

It was a bad weekend to be French - so bad, in fact, that Early Doors suspects Kevin Keegan might have some hitherto undiscovered Gallic heritage.

There were glum faces aplenty at the Stade de France, where England's Rugby Heroes^TM completed their transformation into France's bogey team.

And once again we all forgot about the easy kicks Jonny Wilkinson missed and focused on the slightly less easy ones he made.

Earlier on, William Gallas performed a one-man sit-in at St Andrews at the end of Arsenal's 2-2 draw against Birmingham, after ranting at fellow Frenchie Gael Clichy and stamping on an advertising hoarding.

Arsene Wenger defended Gallas's action on the grounds that they merely show he is a winner. If kicking an advert to within an inch of its life is the measure of a winner, then it might be time to reassess Temuri Ketsbaia's contribution to the English game.

Wenger himself got into quite a strop over Eduardo's horrific broken leg, claiming that Martin Taylor should "never play again" and comparing the admittedly rotten tackle to murder, although he later acknowledged he had gone a bit far. Early Doors wishes Eduardo all the best for a full recovery.

Nicolas Anelka's pout is, of course, a thing of legend, but he looked even more sullen than usual after being stuck on the wing for the Carling Cup final. He's quick and he's skilful, but Nico is no winger and he made his displeasure abundantly clear.

It was left to Younes Kaboul to make up the French smile deficit, and he grinned like a Cheshire cat as he came on for Robbie Keane at Wembley, seemingly oblivious to the 20 buttock-clenchingly tense minutes remaining.

Given Kaboul's previous, Chelsea would have fancied their chances of nicking an equaliser, but fell narrowly short despite referee Mark Halsey adding nearly six minutes for stoppages during extra time - possibly a consequence of the bizarre Spurs tactic of running the clock down by trying to get all their outfield players booked.

As for honorary garlic-muncher Le Keegan, the worst thing about Newcastle's 5-1 drubbing at home to Manchester United is that it surprised precisely nobody.

It was down to Edith Piaf impersonator Marion Cotillard to show her sporting counterparts how to vanquish Les Rosbif, beating Julie Christie to the Best Actress Oscar.

- - -

QUOTES OF THE WEEKEND: "It needs a bomb on the b******." The groundsman is sure to appreciate Steve Bruce's assessment of the pitch at Wigan.

"The worst performance I have ever seen from a so-called Premier League team." Paul Jewell gees up his Derby players. Worth remembering that Jewell recently signed six of the 14 no-hopers who played on Saturday.

FOREIGN VIEW: The Spanish press lay into Real Madrid after a calamitous blunder saw them lose 1-0 at home to Getafe. Arjen Robben had a strike disallowed for offside and, with half the Real team still celebrating the 'goal', Getafe took the free-kick quickly, raced down the other end and scored. Both Marca and As describe Real as "Pardillos", which Early Doors can only imagine translates loosely as "Idiots".  "It was a schoolboy error," admitted Guti.

TODAY'S TALKING POINT: Your Gazza tributes recall burping into microphones and showing the ref a yellow card, not to mention cracking goals against Arsenal and Scotland among others.

But this comment from martinday caught Early Doors's eye: "I saw Gazza in a testimonial at Spurs in oversized hobnail boots; he still outplayed everyone." Can anyone confirm or deny this story? Is martinday playing Early Doors for a chump or did this really happen? Plus your views on the Eduardo injury and the rest of the weekend's action are most welcome.

COMING UP: Manchester City take on Everton at 8pm this evening in what ought to be a decent game - we'll be covering that live of course. Otherwise, stick around for our Monday feature-fest including the internet's most scientific Team of the Week.

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