Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Scolari, oh oh

Thu Jun 12 09:34AM

Gene Hackman would be able to pull off that hood a lot better than Big Phil.

The clock showed 67:16 in the frankly bonkers match between Switzerland and Turkey when news broke that Big Phil Scolari will be Chelsea's next manager from July 1.

Early Döorß only wishes that it had happened during Portugal's match against the Czech Republic earlier that evening, just to see the reaction of the Portuguese fans.

The statement from Chelsea that revealed their new appointment included the line "He gets the best out of a talented squad of players." Like losing to Greece twice within a month, eh?

But cynicism aside kids, despite the fact that the Portugal job is his first in Europe, the two parties seem like a perfect match.

Scolari's teams play fairly attractive football, and like former boss Jose Mourinho he has a pragmatic, no nonsense approach that creates a siege mentality amongst his squad.

The man described as "the Brazilian Brian Clough" should be enough to keep any dissenters quiet, judging by the left jab he threw at Serbia's Ivica Dragutinovic last year. Though quite what Ashley Cole will make of Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War' is anyone's guess.

'Felipao' also has more than enough potential to match Jose for enigmatic quotes and slanging matches with his contemporaries. As subtly charming as Avram Grant's quiet magnanimity was, Chelsea fans both demand and deserve someone more obnoxious.

- - -

Well, who'd have thunk it? Looking at the pre-tournament fixture list, it would have been hard for anyone to guess that Switzerland v Turkey would turn out to be one of the most memorable matches of the tournament.

As a born-and-bred central European, Early Döorß is a lover of all forms of slapstick comedy, believing Eurosport's Remi to be the pinnacle of modern humour.

So it had an absolute ball watching the torrential downpour in Basel last night that turned a previously inauspicious match into a right rollercoaster where 'fire it in the mixer' was the wisest tactical step.

ED's only regret is that the rain had not hit the Stade de Geneve earlier, in which case it would be having heaps of fun with a whole host of 'Lake Geneva' jokes. Well, that one anyway.

The ridiculousness of the conditions was shown up for the opening goal, when Erin Derdiyok's low cross stopped dead in a puddle in the six-yard box, allowing Hakan Yakin to score the easiest international goal since David Nugent completed his 100% strike rate for England by blasting in from dead on the goal line against Andorra.

After that 'strike', Yakin then tapped another shot woefully wide from the same range less than five minutes later.

Ian Wright may not be at the Beeb anymore, concentrating his talents on meatheads whacking each other with giant cotton buds, but there was plenty of fodder for his next 'hilarious and humiliating' gaffes DVD.

But, as the rain stopped, the pitch dried and Turkey got better, they came back to clinch a win that knocks the poor old Swiss out after just five days.

That was thanks in no small part to ex-Brighton and Sheffield united striker Colin-Kazim Richards, or Kazim, Kazim and thrice Kazim as he has been dubbed since moving to Fenerbahce, whose late appearance as a substitute means that he has now made more major finals appearances than a whole host of England's young and highly-paid internationals.

- - -

Spare a thought for those poor money men at ITV. No really.

The national teams of Portugal and Netherlands both drew 80% of the viewing public in their respective homelands for their opening matches.

Half of the people in front of a German television set at the time watched the Dutch pound Italy and, despite their impressive apathy before the tournament, three out of five Austrians watched their boys' impressively apathetic performance against Croatia.

Whereas in sorry little Blighty, hardly anyone has been watching, with just as many people watching that show on Channel Four that features such characters as - to quote the Sun's front page - a "flop star", an "ex-hoodlum" and a "mincer".

There was more than a hint of smugness from UEFA Communications director William Gaillard when he said: "It is obvious when one of the large European nations like England is absent we won't get the large audiences we would have if that team had been playing on that day.

"We can't expect to have 25 million British viewers because we have no British teams involved."

- - -

QUOTES OF DAY: on a record-busting 368 comment day, gpcharrion was so pleased with himself for this effort that he posted it multiple times. ED only reproduces it now to show how much he needn't have bothered: "BREAKING NEWS: DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT TIME eNGLAND PLAY TONIGHT? APPARENTLY SO FAR THERE IS NO TRACE OF THIS GRATE nATIONAL tEAM THAT WAS OUTPLAYED AND DUMPED…. (blah blah blah). MAYBE YOU CAN ALSO HAVE A SAUSAGE IN THE MEANWHILE THAT IS A VERY GOOD PAINKILLER AHAHAHAHAH"

Andywalker269 echoed the thoughts of daily alpine football blogs that are forced to subsist on a thin muesli of UHT milk and cardboard everywhere when he said: "Wow, bumper comment day today, and to be honest, I couldn't be @rsed trawling through them all."

G_hine's attempt to steer the chat away from the board's latest race-hate panic was admirable, and somehow ended up here: "But as out universe is finite, there is a centre. This is approximately where the Big Bang occurred."

FOREIGN VIEW: Seeing as there has been no mention of C-Ron so far, here's Marca's attempt at humour by reporting his joke about Portugal's second strip: Ronaldo - "I really like the White… Of Portugal!" Hmm.

TALKING POINT: Is Big Phil actually going to be any good? And has a tournament host ever exited so quickly from their own tournament? And how exactly do you use sausages as a painkiller?

COMING UP: Group B takes it's turn to shine tonight as Croatia take on Germany and Austria attempt to avoid embarrassment against Poland. Follow our LIVE comments form 17:00 UK time.

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er... g_hine, there is not actually a centre to the Universe, and the statement: "This is approximately where the Big Bang occurred" is completely meaningless. you should know from school that the Universe is expanding, when the Big Bang occured the Universe was almost infinitely small and it expanded from that point into the space we now live in. note: *space* itself is expanding, pushing/pulling everything along with it. so there's no special place in the Universe where the Big Bang occured, as it technically occured everywhere in the Universe.
And the Universe may be finite, but that doesn't mean there's a definite centre to it. it's believed the Universe is topologically "flat", but if you could travel to the edge [which you can't] and kept going you would eventually find yourself back where you started (like if you flew in a plane around the world, you'd eventually be able to return to where you started.
From grahamhopgood on Thu Jun 12 10:58AM
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my post has disapeared too.
they must like scolari as it was a post dedicated to his inability to manage a 'so called' top club
From marcgrant7 on Thu Jun 12 11:01AM
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yawn slooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
wwwwww day
From dannickbates on Thu Jun 12 11:01AM
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Perhaps with the board playing up 'sausage' is the result of an Austrian dialect word for 'analgesic' getting scrambled electronically. Garethcole might be able to tell us. Just noticed a rodent on the board - but it seems harmless compared to Colonel Sanders source of revenue.
From james_ssmith on Thu Jun 12 11:01AM
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yes graham, very interesting and all that, but mate...the sausage, how does the sausage act as a painkiller???
From adogshow on Thu Jun 12 11:03AM
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bok bok
at last someone clever has arrived! Google is now being pounded by these fools trying to quickly learn more
From mooochas on Thu Jun 12 11:04AM
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We did the universe yesterday. It's sausages, Scolari and Szu Tzu today. Could we work in von Clausewitz perhaps? - "Sausages are a form of breakfast carried on by other means."
From james_ssmith on Thu Jun 12 11:05AM
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must say the turks were well worth their win last night.
it was refreshing to see two teams actually want a win so badly.
excellent stuff. thats the benchmark now. its turning into a really good tournament. as for brits not tuning in, i find that extremlty ignorant. true football fans would want to watch the best teams in europe surely?
From marcgrant7 on Thu Jun 12 11:06AM
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Euro 08 is turning into a great tournament shame the English could not make with wally with brolly. Phil well lets see if he can bring on style 4 Rushki.
From utiger.t21 on Thu Jun 12 11:07AM
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boooork bok
come on Jimmy, ghine, etc. tell graham why he's wrong. surely you're the smartest men in this village, correct? right?
hmmmm thought so
From mooochas on Thu Jun 12 11:07AM
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surely...but then if that is true grant, and so are the ratings...wat does that say about English footy fans? (i mean in a general sense)
From adogshow on Thu Jun 12 11:07AM
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What are your predictions for today? I will go with Germany win and a draw between Poland and Austria. As for Scolari, he will make Chelsea even more Portuguese that they already are.There will be a couple of Brazilian additions. They might even start playing some “sexy” football.
From tekumze28 on Thu Jun 12 11:09AM
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bok bok boork
graham I like you. you're truly far smarter than these fools. have you got a glass eye tho?
From mooochas on Thu Jun 12 11:09AM
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Some excellent football already - agree with Marcgrant It doesn't matter who plays the beautiful game if they play it beautifully. Mind you, if my team spends 90 minutes playing like 11 donkeys with diarrhoea and still wins that's another question.
From james_ssmith on Thu Jun 12 11:12AM
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That stuff about the universe would explain the state of the England team. They always seem to be returng th the same point.
From eliotot on Thu Jun 12 11:12AM
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well, sausage painkiller is an anagram for "neuralgia ape silks". maybe it's somekind of code?
From grahamhopgood on Thu Jun 12 11:13AM
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Mooch thanks for the flattery about my looks, but I am already getting kinda used to it over here where I live.
From eliotot on Thu Jun 12 11:13AM
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bok bok
woooooohoooo! wow u is @#$% ugly, boy.
From mooochas on Thu Jun 12 11:14AM
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thanks graham...at least someone is seriously looking into this...
From adogshow on Thu Jun 12 11:14AM
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thanks moochas, i like you too. we need more non-humans on this comments board.
oh, no, i don't have a glass eye. 20-20 vision, you?
From grahamhopgood on Thu Jun 12 11:17AM
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bok
Me, I can see a grain at 40 struts. There's defo something going on with your eye tho. different colours?
From mooochas on Thu Jun 12 11:20AM
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There is some kind of turkey sandwich killing your pain. But The Chinese are blocking the website so I'll have to work round that one.
From eliotot on Thu Jun 12 11:20AM
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oh, that's just an avatar. i don't constantly wink in real life, unless i've been poked in the eye. neither am i actually that size, if you were wondering.
according to yahoo, winking means you feel "special" which i certainly do. i'm now excited, check it out.
From grahamhopgood on Thu Jun 12 11:24AM
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Graham the reason Mooch is so chirpy is that she is moving faster than the rest of us and as such is aging much more slowly.
From eliotot on Thu Jun 12 11:24AM
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that must be how it feel to be a rangers fan then james!!
really enjoyed the tournament even without the home nations. If only scotland had made it, i could of seen us doing a bit of damage. oh well, dreams of 2010 has already started!! looking forward to watching germany, they play some exciting stuff. who would have ever thought you could say that about germany and keep a straight face!!
From marcgrant7 on Thu Jun 12 11:25AM
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scolari is better than grant obviously
From ryanho0001 on Thu Jun 12 11:25AM
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No windswept and torn plastic flags littering up the roadsides,no dodgy red painted stripes on the bonnets of white transit vans,no blatantly racist headlines about stuffing the germans or french and even blue skies and sunshine over this green and pleasant land....and still the most common phrase of the summer has been..'but we are not there..'...@#$% isn't it?...StuartXland
From stuartxland on Thu Jun 12 11:28AM
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i need another two people to help me admin the face book group send a message to me on facebook if you are interested and no animals of any type except of the feline descent are to apply (yes im being prejudice mainly because the animals in this menagerie are f###en idiotic)
From dannickbates on Thu Jun 12 11:31AM
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how is he better than grant? he hasnt reached a champions league final.
ok he won the world cup wiv a team that were miles above every1 else in that tournament, struggled his way to the final in 2004, flopped at 2006, struggled badly to qualify for euro 2008, and will be knocked out in yet another glorious failure. no, i dont buy it, give a young manager a chance and stop throwing money at people like scolari. i know the arguement will be 'well we gave grant a chance and look what happened' but the fact is grant only got the job due to abramovich and really didnt have much of a clue. give someone a chance who knows football like man utd di with sir fergie
From marcgrant7 on Thu Jun 12 11:32AM
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Plenty of good football managers still in Scotland, I've been told.
From james_ssmith on Thu Jun 12 11:38AM
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