Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Scolari, oh oh

Thu Jun 12 09:34AM

Gene Hackman would be able to pull off that hood a lot better than Big Phil.

The clock showed 67:16 in the frankly bonkers match between Switzerland and Turkey when news broke that Big Phil Scolari will be Chelsea's next manager from July 1.

Early Döorß only wishes that it had happened during Portugal's match against the Czech Republic earlier that evening, just to see the reaction of the Portuguese fans.

The statement from Chelsea that revealed their new appointment included the line "He gets the best out of a talented squad of players." Like losing to Greece twice within a month, eh?

But cynicism aside kids, despite the fact that the Portugal job is his first in Europe, the two parties seem like a perfect match.

Scolari's teams play fairly attractive football, and like former boss Jose Mourinho he has a pragmatic, no nonsense approach that creates a siege mentality amongst his squad.

The man described as "the Brazilian Brian Clough" should be enough to keep any dissenters quiet, judging by the left jab he threw at Serbia's Ivica Dragutinovic last year. Though quite what Ashley Cole will make of Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War' is anyone's guess.

'Felipao' also has more than enough potential to match Jose for enigmatic quotes and slanging matches with his contemporaries. As subtly charming as Avram Grant's quiet magnanimity was, Chelsea fans both demand and deserve someone more obnoxious.

- - -

Well, who'd have thunk it? Looking at the pre-tournament fixture list, it would have been hard for anyone to guess that Switzerland v Turkey would turn out to be one of the most memorable matches of the tournament.

As a born-and-bred central European, Early Döorß is a lover of all forms of slapstick comedy, believing Eurosport's Remi to be the pinnacle of modern humour.

So it had an absolute ball watching the torrential downpour in Basel last night that turned a previously inauspicious match into a right rollercoaster where 'fire it in the mixer' was the wisest tactical step.

ED's only regret is that the rain had not hit the Stade de Geneve earlier, in which case it would be having heaps of fun with a whole host of 'Lake Geneva' jokes. Well, that one anyway.

The ridiculousness of the conditions was shown up for the opening goal, when Erin Derdiyok's low cross stopped dead in a puddle in the six-yard box, allowing Hakan Yakin to score the easiest international goal since David Nugent completed his 100% strike rate for England by blasting in from dead on the goal line against Andorra.

After that 'strike', Yakin then tapped another shot woefully wide from the same range less than five minutes later.

Ian Wright may not be at the Beeb anymore, concentrating his talents on meatheads whacking each other with giant cotton buds, but there was plenty of fodder for his next 'hilarious and humiliating' gaffes DVD.

But, as the rain stopped, the pitch dried and Turkey got better, they came back to clinch a win that knocks the poor old Swiss out after just five days.

That was thanks in no small part to ex-Brighton and Sheffield united striker Colin-Kazim Richards, or Kazim, Kazim and thrice Kazim as he has been dubbed since moving to Fenerbahce, whose late appearance as a substitute means that he has now made more major finals appearances than a whole host of England's young and highly-paid internationals.

- - -

Spare a thought for those poor money men at ITV. No really.

The national teams of Portugal and Netherlands both drew 80% of the viewing public in their respective homelands for their opening matches.

Half of the people in front of a German television set at the time watched the Dutch pound Italy and, despite their impressive apathy before the tournament, three out of five Austrians watched their boys' impressively apathetic performance against Croatia.

Whereas in sorry little Blighty, hardly anyone has been watching, with just as many people watching that show on Channel Four that features such characters as - to quote the Sun's front page - a "flop star", an "ex-hoodlum" and a "mincer".

There was more than a hint of smugness from UEFA Communications director William Gaillard when he said: "It is obvious when one of the large European nations like England is absent we won't get the large audiences we would have if that team had been playing on that day.

"We can't expect to have 25 million British viewers because we have no British teams involved."

- - -

QUOTES OF DAY: on a record-busting 368 comment day, gpcharrion was so pleased with himself for this effort that he posted it multiple times. ED only reproduces it now to show how much he needn't have bothered: "BREAKING NEWS: DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT TIME eNGLAND PLAY TONIGHT? APPARENTLY SO FAR THERE IS NO TRACE OF THIS GRATE nATIONAL tEAM THAT WAS OUTPLAYED AND DUMPED…. (blah blah blah). MAYBE YOU CAN ALSO HAVE A SAUSAGE IN THE MEANWHILE THAT IS A VERY GOOD PAINKILLER AHAHAHAHAH"

Andywalker269 echoed the thoughts of daily alpine football blogs that are forced to subsist on a thin muesli of UHT milk and cardboard everywhere when he said: "Wow, bumper comment day today, and to be honest, I couldn't be @rsed trawling through them all."

G_hine's attempt to steer the chat away from the board's latest race-hate panic was admirable, and somehow ended up here: "But as out universe is finite, there is a centre. This is approximately where the Big Bang occurred."

FOREIGN VIEW: Seeing as there has been no mention of C-Ron so far, here's Marca's attempt at humour by reporting his joke about Portugal's second strip: Ronaldo - "I really like the White… Of Portugal!" Hmm.

TALKING POINT: Is Big Phil actually going to be any good? And has a tournament host ever exited so quickly from their own tournament? And how exactly do you use sausages as a painkiller?

COMING UP: Group B takes it's turn to shine tonight as Croatia take on Germany and Austria attempt to avoid embarrassment against Poland. Follow our LIVE comments form 17:00 UK time.

Comments91 - 120 of 326
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Chelsea will still suck next season!!!!!!!!!!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 11:46AM
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The authorities are harping on about there not being enough Brits watching, the same day as Chelsea anounce their new manager, who happens to be the manager of a team already in the quarter finals. I wonder if any pressure was put on them to spill the beans to get people watching? Also a friend of mine used to push asprins into a iced cream bun, and then sprinkle rennies over the top of them to help me when i had bad hang overs. Maybe the sausage could be used in a simular way?
From benjipoulton on Thu Jun 12 11:49AM
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we give our dog it's medication in sausages
From g_hine on Thu Jun 12 11:51AM
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sigh...i fear since Scolari is Brazllian, that its the end of our dream to sign Sergio 'Kun' Aguero.... wish we had gotten rijkaard..all cuz now we wont get Aguero
From umar2050 on Thu Jun 12 11:55AM
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on ED when did Austria play Turkey?
From umar2050 on Thu Jun 12 11:55AM
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So will Tot-and-ham Hotspud
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 11:58AM
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And Aresenal
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 11:58AM
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Tottenham is a mid table club!!!!!!!!!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 11:59AM
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Gees is that chicken munter still here!? Anyway must say I felt totally @#$% for Switzerland last night! I think they should've been allowed to win on the basis that they're a much more useful country than Turkey. The swiss make the world's best chocolate, the world's best watches and some highly enjoyable cheeses. The Turks on the other hand gave the world the Donnor Kebab (which is only eaten by drunk and soon after puked up!), Turkish Delight (a sweet that tastes like flowers?!?) and flying carpets (which to be honest are a complete let down!). Although I guess if teams won games because of what they've invented Scotland would be the best in the world and we like to be underdogs!
From claire881 on Thu Jun 12 11:59AM
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Poor Jose must be gutted. He's never made a secret of the fact that he wants to coach the Portuguese national side and now he's off to Italy and the post is up for grabs.
From dessertstorm18 on Thu Jun 12 12:02PM
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I think, swiss, played very well in this tournament, and its sad that they are out :S :S GO SPAIN!
From rbatayev on Thu Jun 12 12:04PM
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Fullham will get relegated next season!!!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 12:11PM
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Asprin and Rennie with a ice cream cun sounds disgusting, I think sausages would work better they have more flavour than ice cream so the taste o the pills would be better hidden! If the sausages had enough sugar in them then they could probably help people out of a diabetic coma thing, instead of Lucozade or boiled sweeties!
From claire881 on Thu Jun 12 12:11PM
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Yes i'm sure Mourinho will definitely be gutted at not getting the chance to coach Portugal and will have to make do with Inter Milan and a 60-bajillion-euros-a-year contract! Poor him! It's a hard life. Yes i did say bajillion.
From kevmun82 on Thu Jun 12 12:13PM
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not ice cream! a cream bun, but with icing on it! yummy!
From benjipoulton on Thu Jun 12 12:20PM
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pull out of the chicken graham, you dont know where she has been
From damdesign66 on Thu Jun 12 12:23PM
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If Turkey and the Czech Republic come draw, do they go to penalties or is it a @#$% of a coin that decides who goes through? Thanks
From herreradb on Thu Jun 12 12:24PM
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thats weird t.o.s.s is considerd rude? so that means its a very ambigious word in the eyes of the moderators
From dannickbates on Thu Jun 12 12:30PM
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i makes me laugh that now villa has scored a hat-trick in euro everyone loves him
bandwagon jumpers
especially chelsea
give it 2 more games
and some freakish turk will score four
chelsea will call him the best player ever
pay 60 million for him
then loan him to sampdoria
you heard it here first
From matthewwardhaugh on Thu Jun 12 12:31PM
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and sampdoria is blocked because...?
From matthewwardhaugh on Thu Jun 12 12:33PM
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lols
sampdoria
From matthewwardhaugh on Thu Jun 12 12:34PM
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haha claire881 i like your thinking. on that basis no one could touch us!
yeah plenty of them james, its just ashame that they dont get the jobs their ability deserves.
its sad but true thet if chelsea appointed e.g. davie moyes, craig levien, mark mcghee, alex rae etc there would be outrage. i guarentee they would do a better job than scolari.
From marcgrant7 on Thu Jun 12 12:34PM
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I wonder what Scolari himself has to say about Chelski's ridiculous timing. Uncle Roman is taking a big gamble here, hiring a coach who has no experience with european club football and doesn't even speak English. I'm looking forward to some spats with Fergie though, his temperament is just what EPL needs, I hope he won't disappoint.
From robert.lizler on Thu Jun 12 12:35PM
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OHHHHH
because someone could use it to say p.e.d.o?
sausages
From matthewwardhaugh on Thu Jun 12 12:35PM
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Some of the best food in the world is Turkish. Go there, Claire, and try it, that is if you've any appetite after all the cheese and chocolate.
A string of pork sausages, fresh out of the fridge and tied round the top of your head will ease the pain of a hangover before you use them for that do-or-die breakfast fry up.
From james_ssmith on Thu Jun 12 12:40PM
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I like how Mooochas is described as 'that chicken munter'. Truer words have never been said!
Anyone think jude_surf should just @#$% off and die?
From p_tolomy on Thu Jun 12 12:46PM
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I get the feeling that Moochas and Jude_surf and Pauladenham etc. are all in cahoots (or the same person)
From g_hine on Thu Jun 12 12:51PM
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I think the original comment was suggesting that sausages were not effective analgesics (lol) but could be used instead by sad englishmen to get over their emotional pain. I think he had us confused with Germans.
From dessertstorm18 on Thu Jun 12 12:55PM
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nice g_hine, now u look like bill gates on a camp! i used t o s s last night and it was blocked...wonder what other words are "automatically" censored? as for the jude surf, how many care bears had to die to make that stupid wig eh? and good work on the sausage thing...although the comment seemed to imply a sausage on its own...wierd.
From adogshow on Thu Jun 12 12:55PM
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and simonthompson and paulathompson and simondenham and E_P_S. I don't specifically have a problem with them/him/her, I just wish they would choose one persona and stick to it
From g_hine on Thu Jun 12 12:57PM
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