Scolari, oh oh
Thu Jun 12 09:34AM
The clock showed 67:16 in the frankly bonkers match between Switzerland and Turkey when news broke that Big Phil Scolari will be Chelsea's next manager from July 1. Early Döorß only wishes that it had happened during Portugal's match against the Czech Republic earlier that evening, just to see the reaction of the Portuguese fans.
The statement from Chelsea that revealed their new appointment included the line "He gets the best out of a talented squad of players." Like losing to Greece twice within a month, eh?
But cynicism aside kids, despite the fact that the Portugal job is his first in Europe, the two parties seem like a perfect match.
Scolari's teams play fairly attractive football, and like former boss Jose Mourinho he has a pragmatic, no nonsense approach that creates a siege mentality amongst his squad.
The man described as "the Brazilian Brian Clough" should be enough to keep any dissenters quiet, judging by the left jab he threw at Serbia's Ivica Dragutinovic last year. Though quite what Ashley Cole will make of Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War' is anyone's guess.
'Felipao' also has more than enough potential to match Jose for enigmatic quotes and slanging matches with his contemporaries. As subtly charming as Avram Grant's quiet magnanimity was, Chelsea fans both demand and deserve someone more obnoxious.
- - -
Well, who'd have thunk it? Looking at the pre-tournament fixture list, it would have been hard for anyone to guess that Switzerland v Turkey would turn out to be one of the most memorable matches of the tournament.
As a born-and-bred central European, Early Döorß is a lover of all forms of slapstick comedy, believing Eurosport's Remi to be the pinnacle of modern humour.So it had an absolute ball watching the torrential downpour in Basel last night that turned a previously inauspicious match into a right rollercoaster where 'fire it in the mixer' was the wisest tactical step.
ED's only regret is that the rain had not hit the Stade de Geneve earlier, in which case it would be having heaps of fun with a whole host of 'Lake Geneva' jokes. Well, that one anyway.
The ridiculousness of the conditions was shown up for the opening goal, when Erin Derdiyok's low cross stopped dead in a puddle in the six-yard box, allowing Hakan Yakin to score the easiest international goal since David Nugent completed his 100% strike rate for England by blasting in from dead on the goal line against Andorra.
After that 'strike', Yakin then tapped another shot woefully wide from the same range less than five minutes later.
Ian Wright may not be at the Beeb anymore, concentrating his talents on meatheads whacking each other with giant cotton buds, but there was plenty of fodder for his next 'hilarious and humiliating' gaffes DVD.
But, as the rain stopped, the pitch dried and Turkey got better, they came back to clinch a win that knocks the poor old Swiss out after just five days.
That was thanks in no small part to ex-Brighton and Sheffield united striker Colin-Kazim Richards, or Kazim, Kazim and thrice Kazim as he has been dubbed since moving to Fenerbahce, whose late appearance as a substitute means that he has now made more major finals appearances than a whole host of England's young and highly-paid internationals.
- - -
Spare a thought for those poor money men at ITV. No really.
The national teams of Portugal and Netherlands both drew 80% of the viewing public in their respective homelands for their opening matches.
Half of the people in front of a German television set at the time watched the Dutch pound Italy and, despite their impressive apathy before the tournament, three out of five Austrians watched their boys' impressively apathetic performance against Croatia.
Whereas in sorry little Blighty, hardly anyone has been watching, with just as many people watching that show on Channel Four that features such characters as - to quote the Sun's front page - a "flop star", an "ex-hoodlum" and a "mincer".
There was more than a hint of smugness from UEFA Communications director William Gaillard when he said: "It is obvious when one of the large European nations like England is absent we won't get the large audiences we would have if that team had been playing on that day.
"We can't expect to have 25 million British viewers because we have no British teams involved."
- - -
QUOTES OF DAY: on a record-busting 368 comment day, gpcharrion was so pleased with himself for this effort that he posted it multiple times. ED only reproduces it now to show how much he needn't have bothered: "BREAKING NEWS: DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT TIME eNGLAND PLAY TONIGHT? APPARENTLY SO FAR THERE IS NO TRACE OF THIS GRATE nATIONAL tEAM THAT WAS OUTPLAYED AND DUMPED…. (blah blah blah). MAYBE YOU CAN ALSO HAVE A SAUSAGE IN THE MEANWHILE THAT IS A VERY GOOD PAINKILLER AHAHAHAHAH"
Andywalker269 echoed the thoughts of daily alpine football blogs that are forced to subsist on a thin muesli of UHT milk and cardboard everywhere when he said: "Wow, bumper comment day today, and to be honest, I couldn't be @rsed trawling through them all."
G_hine's attempt to steer the chat away from the board's latest race-hate panic was admirable, and somehow ended up here: "But as out universe is finite, there is a centre. This is approximately where the Big Bang occurred."
FOREIGN VIEW: Seeing as there has been no mention of C-Ron so far, here's Marca's attempt at humour by reporting his joke about Portugal's second strip: Ronaldo - "I really like the White… Of Portugal!" Hmm.
TALKING POINT: Is Big Phil actually going to be any good? And has a tournament host ever exited so quickly from their own tournament? And how exactly do you use sausages as a painkiller?
COMING UP: Group B takes it's turn to shine tonight as Croatia take on Germany and Austria attempt to avoid embarrassment against Poland. Follow our LIVE comments form 17:00 UK time.
that's because T0$$ is slang for something that Moochas does with his right hand, whist typing with his left
From g_hine on Thu Jun 12 12:58PMi'm wit g_hine...these guys all have the same MO: act like they eat turds for breakfast...
From adogshow on Thu Jun 12 12:58PMNo thanks James_smith my mates went and they said they had sheeps balls in a restaurant... bleuch! Also I don't really like chocolate that much, prefer cheese!
I'm sorry for mixing up iced cream bun with an ice cream bun! I still don't fancy the combination though!
From claire881 on Thu Jun 12 01:00PMSausage as a painkiller - if you are suffering from a headache get one of those big thick chorizo sausages and ram a good length up your rusty bullet wound, you'll soon forget about the pain in your head. (Just an idea, not talking from experience you understand)!!
From carlmccormick on Thu Jun 12 01:06PMhaha! thats the problem wit suggesting an answer carlmccormick...i will only make the rest of us wonder...but that is helpful!
From adogshow on Thu Jun 12 01:09PMIs it just me or do Nuno Gomes and Simao look like they are playing their own personal Wii game. They seem to find their way onto the team sheet yet are delightfully low impact. Chelsea beware. Big Phil does have a tendency to muddle his teams up until disaster strikes and forces his hand. Brazil in the 2002 WC had to dump Juninho after the first game when it became clear he was a shadow of his former self. In the European Championship of 2004 Portugal ended up dropping Fernando Couto and Paulo Fereirra after the first game loss to Greece. He did have his hand forced in the choice between Rui Costa and Deco at the time though. Can't blame him for that. I personally thought Rui Costa was the better fit for the team at the time. He wanted to go with Deco.
From cyclne5 on Thu Jun 12 01:25PMadogshow and g_hine why don't you take the sausage that you are so obsessed with and stick it up your chocolate starfish!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 01:26PMScotland's got no world class players!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 01:28PMWell at least it wasn't a denial
From g_hine on Thu Jun 12 01:29PMIf Chech draws with Turkey it goes to penalites after 90 minutes...official.
And you people should know why Scolarli took the job. He gets a handsome contract, and next year they pay him off a few million coz he didnt win the Champions' League or the League Cup.
From eliotot on Thu Jun 12 01:31PMCan't wait for next seasons games between Chelsea and Villa. Big Phil jumping up and down in the one box, Martin O'Neill jumping up and down in the other box. It'll be just like those 2 clowns in New Orders "True Faith" video!
From mrshardingskid on Thu Jun 12 01:36PMAh-ha, we get to the bottom of jude_surf's antics...he obviously thinks by bandying about random attacks on sporting institutions he'll get a mention by ED.
'course, his attempt to be contriversal with Arsenal by turning it into Aresenal kind of back-fired. You don't even have to change anything for it to be mildly offensive, just capitalise. ARSEnal. Not hard, really.
Such a crack-head.
From p_tolomy on Thu Jun 12 01:38PMg_hine could you look any more nerdy???
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 01:49PMwell you guys have put him/her/it on the spot and like a cornerd animal is fiting tooth and nail to save face...BRAVO
From dannickbates on Thu Jun 12 01:51PMJude, just cos u having a "coming out" party with the wolf and the chicken (as evidence by the fro) doesnt mean you have to come here and make some wierd jokes about sausages and starfish...just take it easy with that chicken, not sure where its been!
From adogshow on Thu Jun 12 01:52PMp_tolomy I already got mentioned 2 days ago, so up yours. The whole ARSEnal thing is not my style, but you go with it.I think "tolomy" is a funny word.
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 01:53PMi hope he got banned.......
From dannickbates on Thu Jun 12 01:54PMIs it really right for ED to boast about 368 posts when most of them were probably from a chicken making bok bok noises?!
From cliffclement on Thu Jun 12 01:55PMYou think you've cracked it but you haven't.
Wolf, Chicken why are you hiding now?
Master Bates - Ajax CT suck!From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 01:56PMOK everyone I've had enough of this, it's actually me, dannickbates! Had you guys!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 01:59PMWTF where'd my post go.....
From dannickbates on Thu Jun 12 01:59PMThe chicken lost its feathers and is too ashamed to come out of hiding.
From eliotot on Thu Jun 12 02:04PMCan we rude to each about football, please? The other stuff is beginning to pall.
From james_ssmith on Thu Jun 12 02:07PMjude_surf where did ajax ct finsh this season? just out of interest
From dannickbates on Thu Jun 12 02:07PMand if he gives the correct answer i bet he googled it
From dannickbates on Thu Jun 12 02:08PM**************************************************
**********
Hello. I'm an internet sex sweetie.Before I start advertising for a sugar plum fairy with all the obvious trimmings, can someone tell me if a Premiership player has scored yet in the Eurovision football? I've been so addled by drink and the football that stats have passed me by. I believe Fabregas scored a screamer against the Motherland's representatives, but are there any others?
From duck.preston on Thu Jun 12 02:08PMSame as your Chelsea team, second, two points away, i.e. LOSERS!!!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 02:20PMdannickbates is a DROL!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 02:21PMgood one jude...u did google it didnt u? i think the chicken must have died in making that fro...
From adogshow on Thu Jun 12 02:24PMThe fabregas goal was described as offside by ED. As far as I could make out Cesc was standing offside when the other player shot, but was not interfering with play. The goalkeeper's parry put Cesc on-side. As I recall somebody posted Yoda could have done better. Simply, you can't do better if it's a goal and it's on the scoresheet. Anyway his reaction to the chance was brilliant.
From james_ssmith on Thu Jun 12 02:28PM
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