Scolari, oh oh
Thu Jun 12 09:34AM
The clock showed 67:16 in the frankly bonkers match between Switzerland and Turkey when news broke that Big Phil Scolari will be Chelsea's next manager from July 1. Early Döorß only wishes that it had happened during Portugal's match against the Czech Republic earlier that evening, just to see the reaction of the Portuguese fans.
The statement from Chelsea that revealed their new appointment included the line "He gets the best out of a talented squad of players." Like losing to Greece twice within a month, eh?
But cynicism aside kids, despite the fact that the Portugal job is his first in Europe, the two parties seem like a perfect match.
Scolari's teams play fairly attractive football, and like former boss Jose Mourinho he has a pragmatic, no nonsense approach that creates a siege mentality amongst his squad.
The man described as "the Brazilian Brian Clough" should be enough to keep any dissenters quiet, judging by the left jab he threw at Serbia's Ivica Dragutinovic last year. Though quite what Ashley Cole will make of Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War' is anyone's guess.
'Felipao' also has more than enough potential to match Jose for enigmatic quotes and slanging matches with his contemporaries. As subtly charming as Avram Grant's quiet magnanimity was, Chelsea fans both demand and deserve someone more obnoxious.
- - -
Well, who'd have thunk it? Looking at the pre-tournament fixture list, it would have been hard for anyone to guess that Switzerland v Turkey would turn out to be one of the most memorable matches of the tournament.
As a born-and-bred central European, Early Döorß is a lover of all forms of slapstick comedy, believing Eurosport's Remi to be the pinnacle of modern humour.So it had an absolute ball watching the torrential downpour in Basel last night that turned a previously inauspicious match into a right rollercoaster where 'fire it in the mixer' was the wisest tactical step.
ED's only regret is that the rain had not hit the Stade de Geneve earlier, in which case it would be having heaps of fun with a whole host of 'Lake Geneva' jokes. Well, that one anyway.
The ridiculousness of the conditions was shown up for the opening goal, when Erin Derdiyok's low cross stopped dead in a puddle in the six-yard box, allowing Hakan Yakin to score the easiest international goal since David Nugent completed his 100% strike rate for England by blasting in from dead on the goal line against Andorra.
After that 'strike', Yakin then tapped another shot woefully wide from the same range less than five minutes later.
Ian Wright may not be at the Beeb anymore, concentrating his talents on meatheads whacking each other with giant cotton buds, but there was plenty of fodder for his next 'hilarious and humiliating' gaffes DVD.
But, as the rain stopped, the pitch dried and Turkey got better, they came back to clinch a win that knocks the poor old Swiss out after just five days.
That was thanks in no small part to ex-Brighton and Sheffield united striker Colin-Kazim Richards, or Kazim, Kazim and thrice Kazim as he has been dubbed since moving to Fenerbahce, whose late appearance as a substitute means that he has now made more major finals appearances than a whole host of England's young and highly-paid internationals.
- - -
Spare a thought for those poor money men at ITV. No really.
The national teams of Portugal and Netherlands both drew 80% of the viewing public in their respective homelands for their opening matches.
Half of the people in front of a German television set at the time watched the Dutch pound Italy and, despite their impressive apathy before the tournament, three out of five Austrians watched their boys' impressively apathetic performance against Croatia.
Whereas in sorry little Blighty, hardly anyone has been watching, with just as many people watching that show on Channel Four that features such characters as - to quote the Sun's front page - a "flop star", an "ex-hoodlum" and a "mincer".
There was more than a hint of smugness from UEFA Communications director William Gaillard when he said: "It is obvious when one of the large European nations like England is absent we won't get the large audiences we would have if that team had been playing on that day.
"We can't expect to have 25 million British viewers because we have no British teams involved."
- - -
QUOTES OF DAY: on a record-busting 368 comment day, gpcharrion was so pleased with himself for this effort that he posted it multiple times. ED only reproduces it now to show how much he needn't have bothered: "BREAKING NEWS: DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT TIME eNGLAND PLAY TONIGHT? APPARENTLY SO FAR THERE IS NO TRACE OF THIS GRATE nATIONAL tEAM THAT WAS OUTPLAYED AND DUMPED…. (blah blah blah). MAYBE YOU CAN ALSO HAVE A SAUSAGE IN THE MEANWHILE THAT IS A VERY GOOD PAINKILLER AHAHAHAHAH"
Andywalker269 echoed the thoughts of daily alpine football blogs that are forced to subsist on a thin muesli of UHT milk and cardboard everywhere when he said: "Wow, bumper comment day today, and to be honest, I couldn't be @rsed trawling through them all."
G_hine's attempt to steer the chat away from the board's latest race-hate panic was admirable, and somehow ended up here: "But as out universe is finite, there is a centre. This is approximately where the Big Bang occurred."
FOREIGN VIEW: Seeing as there has been no mention of C-Ron so far, here's Marca's attempt at humour by reporting his joke about Portugal's second strip: Ronaldo - "I really like the White… Of Portugal!" Hmm.
TALKING POINT: Is Big Phil actually going to be any good? And has a tournament host ever exited so quickly from their own tournament? And how exactly do you use sausages as a painkiller?
COMING UP: Group B takes it's turn to shine tonight as Croatia take on Germany and Austria attempt to avoid embarrassment against Poland. Follow our LIVE comments form 17:00 UK time.
I hate that b a s t a r d Scolari. Any right minded England fan would. Responsible for England's exit from Japan/korea 02, culpitable for their early exit from Portugal 04 and responsible for their departure from Germany 06. I am absolutely convinced that had England made it to Euro 2008,Scolari would have once again been responsible for England's failure to win the tournament. It's not England or indeed Portugal who are to blame for England's downfall in recent years. No, it's that man Scolari and his bloody pestilence. Why are we even letting this b a s t a r d into the country?
From samuelbanks on Thu Jun 12 02:34PMnikyates
sick in the head you are PaulaFrom samuelbanks on Thu Jun 12 02:35PMjude_surf,
scotland are still in exactly the same boat as england. wots ur excuse for that??? we may not have world class players but id be willing to put £100 on scotland any time we play england and i know my money would be safe.
we arent about individuals we are what is called a TEAM. what was the england score against france in paris? i remember that being 1-0 to france, do i have to remind u that we went there and turned them over with a 'world class' goal? something your so called 'world class' players failed miserably to do.
From marcgrant7 on Thu Jun 12 02:37PMbanks, i reckon England was able to acquire that impressive list of defeats you so helpfully laid out, without the help of ol man Scolari...its just a talent u'r international team seems to have. even Jim White reckons thats true!
From adogshow on Thu Jun 12 02:37PMmarcgrant7 - so you agree that Scotland doesn't have any word class players?
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 02:42PMadogshow - I'll never admit that a googled it (but I might have)..
Wigan suck!!!From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 02:43PMBlackburn suck!!!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 02:43PMthank you jude...Crystal Palace suck!! (thought i'd try it...hmmm quite relaxing actually)
From adogshow on Thu Jun 12 02:45PMadogshow
i was being ironic and sarcastic. Of course Scolari isn't to blame.From samuelbanks on Thu Jun 12 02:47PMbanks i saw that...i just liked the chance of laughing at England's international record for the last 8 years again...thats all
From adogshow on Thu Jun 12 02:49PMJude_surf
Cool hair dude, totally radical dude. Totally retro dude. Who does your hair? A painter and decoratorFrom samuelbanks on Thu Jun 12 02:50PMall the evidence points to him having googled it
From dannickbates on Thu Jun 12 02:50PMwe dont kid ourselves that our players are world class, unlike england.
we know what we have got and work with it. we have very good players such as mcfadden, robson, brown, gordon, ferguson, boyd, whittaker, d.fletcher, s.fletcher. i could go on, the good thing is the players named (apart from 2) are under 25. also every1 of them could easy play in the premiership.
my point is it doesnt matter how many world class players we have or dont have, u didnt qualify either so didnt really help you did it!!From marcgrant7 on Thu Jun 12 02:52PMbok bok bebebegork bok
bird's gotta eat same as the worm
From mooochas on Thu Jun 12 02:53PMbok
I'm likin ghines new look. you don't look like a @#$% anymore. nice move
From mooochas on Thu Jun 12 02:54PMbok
jude looks like dan at a 70s do.
From mooochas on Thu Jun 12 02:56PMOh for the days of yore when ED was commented on with wit, humour and panache, now its just banal drivel served up by chicken fiddling panchromatic haired tits.
From vincentvegaman on Thu Jun 12 02:57PMOh for the days of yore when ED was commented on with wit, humour and panache, now its just banal drivel served up by chicken fiddling panchromatic haired tits.
From vincentvegaman on Thu Jun 12 02:57PMHow do you use sausages as a painkiller.That's a difficult one. My suggestion is this. You put a couple of saugages in a frying pan.You wait until they're sizzling hot. You then grab a couple with both hands until it hurts like ****. This in turn makes any previous pain you were experiencing seem pretty trivial.
From samuelbanks on Thu Jun 12 02:59PMAll scotland need is a creative genius to add to what we've got. It just takes one and if there's a good youth policy who knows in the nest two or three years. Just keep the team off the pop and the poppers.
From james_ssmith on Thu Jun 12 02:59PMok, vincent, ok, if u feel that strongly about it...why dont u help the situation and stop talking about u'r old ladies privates...
From adogshow on Thu Jun 12 02:59PMFearnly-Whitingstall, look what you've done, chickens are best kept in cages, smeared in their own excrement , you set them free and look what happens
From vincentvegaman on Thu Jun 12 03:00PMmarcgrant7 - I fully agree with your point, and with mine
Scotland has a team of not-bad players playing well as a team and beating teams with world class players not playing as a teamFrom jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 03:00PMMaster bates - what evidence mister detective? Go set up some computer screens or something.
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 03:02PMsamuelbanks - A painter and a decorator. The painter's name is Stacy and the decorator's name is Macy. Fun times!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 03:04PMjames
Are you a well behaved cat, or a michevious one. Do you like to prowl the streets at night or do you like you like a nice long sleep.I suppose you like the birds. All cats do. Murderin @#$%. My cats say hello.From samuelbanks on Thu Jun 12 03:09PMNah Jude, not wit those colours...gotta be a Stan and a Dan...either way guys Scotland and England couldn't produce the goods. which means that at the moment they are both mediocre teams surrounded by better ones...er, sorry that was pretty obvious. (was really trying to make a helpful comment...)
From adogshow on Thu Jun 12 03:09PMI came up with a poem today:
I hate it,
I really really do,
I hate it,
It smells like poo,
I hate it,
It's so slow it bores,
I hate it,
It's Early Doors.
From the_kop2003 on Thu Jun 12 03:10PMHAHA! the_kop comes to the rescue...great work. hope that didnt take all day mate...
From adogshow on Thu Jun 12 03:11PMi agree with your point too, we know we dont have world class players but we have a great team spirit.
well said james, exactly what we could do with. and the international retirement of kenny miller would be nice!!
good youth policys here with hibs, dundee united, motherwell etc. look out for danny swanson of dundee united, i think we might be hearing alot about him in the futureFrom marcgrant7 on Thu Jun 12 03:12PM
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