Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Scolari, oh oh

Thu Jun 12 09:34AM

Gene Hackman would be able to pull off that hood a lot better than Big Phil.

The clock showed 67:16 in the frankly bonkers match between Switzerland and Turkey when news broke that Big Phil Scolari will be Chelsea's next manager from July 1.

Early Döorß only wishes that it had happened during Portugal's match against the Czech Republic earlier that evening, just to see the reaction of the Portuguese fans.

The statement from Chelsea that revealed their new appointment included the line "He gets the best out of a talented squad of players." Like losing to Greece twice within a month, eh?

But cynicism aside kids, despite the fact that the Portugal job is his first in Europe, the two parties seem like a perfect match.

Scolari's teams play fairly attractive football, and like former boss Jose Mourinho he has a pragmatic, no nonsense approach that creates a siege mentality amongst his squad.

The man described as "the Brazilian Brian Clough" should be enough to keep any dissenters quiet, judging by the left jab he threw at Serbia's Ivica Dragutinovic last year. Though quite what Ashley Cole will make of Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War' is anyone's guess.

'Felipao' also has more than enough potential to match Jose for enigmatic quotes and slanging matches with his contemporaries. As subtly charming as Avram Grant's quiet magnanimity was, Chelsea fans both demand and deserve someone more obnoxious.

- - -

Well, who'd have thunk it? Looking at the pre-tournament fixture list, it would have been hard for anyone to guess that Switzerland v Turkey would turn out to be one of the most memorable matches of the tournament.

As a born-and-bred central European, Early Döorß is a lover of all forms of slapstick comedy, believing Eurosport's Remi to be the pinnacle of modern humour.

So it had an absolute ball watching the torrential downpour in Basel last night that turned a previously inauspicious match into a right rollercoaster where 'fire it in the mixer' was the wisest tactical step.

ED's only regret is that the rain had not hit the Stade de Geneve earlier, in which case it would be having heaps of fun with a whole host of 'Lake Geneva' jokes. Well, that one anyway.

The ridiculousness of the conditions was shown up for the opening goal, when Erin Derdiyok's low cross stopped dead in a puddle in the six-yard box, allowing Hakan Yakin to score the easiest international goal since David Nugent completed his 100% strike rate for England by blasting in from dead on the goal line against Andorra.

After that 'strike', Yakin then tapped another shot woefully wide from the same range less than five minutes later.

Ian Wright may not be at the Beeb anymore, concentrating his talents on meatheads whacking each other with giant cotton buds, but there was plenty of fodder for his next 'hilarious and humiliating' gaffes DVD.

But, as the rain stopped, the pitch dried and Turkey got better, they came back to clinch a win that knocks the poor old Swiss out after just five days.

That was thanks in no small part to ex-Brighton and Sheffield united striker Colin-Kazim Richards, or Kazim, Kazim and thrice Kazim as he has been dubbed since moving to Fenerbahce, whose late appearance as a substitute means that he has now made more major finals appearances than a whole host of England's young and highly-paid internationals.

- - -

Spare a thought for those poor money men at ITV. No really.

The national teams of Portugal and Netherlands both drew 80% of the viewing public in their respective homelands for their opening matches.

Half of the people in front of a German television set at the time watched the Dutch pound Italy and, despite their impressive apathy before the tournament, three out of five Austrians watched their boys' impressively apathetic performance against Croatia.

Whereas in sorry little Blighty, hardly anyone has been watching, with just as many people watching that show on Channel Four that features such characters as - to quote the Sun's front page - a "flop star", an "ex-hoodlum" and a "mincer".

There was more than a hint of smugness from UEFA Communications director William Gaillard when he said: "It is obvious when one of the large European nations like England is absent we won't get the large audiences we would have if that team had been playing on that day.

"We can't expect to have 25 million British viewers because we have no British teams involved."

- - -

QUOTES OF DAY: on a record-busting 368 comment day, gpcharrion was so pleased with himself for this effort that he posted it multiple times. ED only reproduces it now to show how much he needn't have bothered: "BREAKING NEWS: DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT TIME eNGLAND PLAY TONIGHT? APPARENTLY SO FAR THERE IS NO TRACE OF THIS GRATE nATIONAL tEAM THAT WAS OUTPLAYED AND DUMPED…. (blah blah blah). MAYBE YOU CAN ALSO HAVE A SAUSAGE IN THE MEANWHILE THAT IS A VERY GOOD PAINKILLER AHAHAHAHAH"

Andywalker269 echoed the thoughts of daily alpine football blogs that are forced to subsist on a thin muesli of UHT milk and cardboard everywhere when he said: "Wow, bumper comment day today, and to be honest, I couldn't be @rsed trawling through them all."

G_hine's attempt to steer the chat away from the board's latest race-hate panic was admirable, and somehow ended up here: "But as out universe is finite, there is a centre. This is approximately where the Big Bang occurred."

FOREIGN VIEW: Seeing as there has been no mention of C-Ron so far, here's Marca's attempt at humour by reporting his joke about Portugal's second strip: Ronaldo - "I really like the White… Of Portugal!" Hmm.

TALKING POINT: Is Big Phil actually going to be any good? And has a tournament host ever exited so quickly from their own tournament? And how exactly do you use sausages as a painkiller?

COMING UP: Group B takes it's turn to shine tonight as Croatia take on Germany and Austria attempt to avoid embarrassment against Poland. Follow our LIVE comments form 17:00 UK time.

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Can't wait to see Ian Wright presenting The Gladiators. Awoooga! Or in Ian Wright's case, awankeer!
From samuelbanks on Thu Jun 12 03:12PM
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Well... i got in at 8.00 and only just added the finishing touches so yeh.. most of the day. It's titled: Hate.
From the_kop2003 on Thu Jun 12 03:14PM
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Koppy
What did you make of the 382 squillian posts yesterday. Don't tell me-quality is better than quantity, right. As i said to you yesterday, one man's @#$% is another man's brillance.
From samuelbanks on Thu Jun 12 03:16PM
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Can anyone answer me this: If two teams in a group both win their first two games with the same scores, then play each other in the final game and thats a draw, does it go to pens to decide who wins the group and thus who they'll be playing in the next round?
From benjipoulton on Thu Jun 12 03:18PM
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sammy need you ask? Out of the 382 posts - 207 where made by an animal avatar - the word "bok" was used a mere 849 times - and i don't see how anyone could have enjoyed that monstrosity.
Don't you wish for the good old days when a good day was 100 comments and the posts were more than two sentences long?
If i was to blame anyone for this outbreak of comment diarrohea i would blame you samuelbanks, you. Do you feel ashamed?
From the_kop2003 on Thu Jun 12 03:20PM
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Does anyone who comments on Doors actually remember that this is a football blog?!? Most posts are mindless garbage that aren't worth the time taken to type it (or read it for that matter). Talk about the game or don't bother, there are plenty of chat rooms for you people to fill your time with
From agentblue_99 on Thu Jun 12 03:21PM
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Sammy, I'm good at dodging shoes thrown late at night by humans who don't understand music. I'm training to upgrade from sparrows to larger birds that can't fly and can only type one word on a keyboard.
Got to go now and kill something small and furry slowly.
From james_ssmith on Thu Jun 12 03:22PM
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bok
wow kop, you're slower than I thought. I baked you a hug
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 12 03:23PM
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wanna come taste it? bok bok
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 12 03:24PM
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James,
That wasn't you I saw yesterday running past the gym with a rabbit dangling from your mouth, was it?
From dons8321 on Thu Jun 12 03:25PM
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chicken is good
bok
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 12 03:25PM
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but I prefer @#$%
meow
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 12 03:25PM
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bird @#$% is my fav though
moewbok bok
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 12 03:26PM
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but I'd make an exception for machocamp Dan.
grrrrrr meowbok
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 12 03:28PM
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Jesus Christ this is mayhem. All none football orientated comments please migrate to some other f****n site and leave us alone. Bok?!? What sort of word is that anyway? U might like to check e-bay, they may have a life for sale (don't all bid at once)
From agentblue_99 on Thu Jun 12 03:28PM
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hey wanna see my furry balls? now that's a dog show
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 12 03:30PM
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kop, thanks for counting.
From garethcoletranslations on Thu Jun 12 03:31PM
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For once there is someone who agrees with what i say - agentblue99 is right - all f*ck off to some chat room where you can pretend to be an animal on there.
You would have thought the moderators would get read of stupid comments like that wolf character.
Let's talk David Villa to Liverpool - Gareth Barry for £18 million?! You what! - James Milner and Stewart Downing possible targets... suck my @#$%!
From the_kop2003 on Thu Jun 12 03:32PM
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adogshow from KZN I notice RSA is 68th in the FIFA world rankings - glass houses...
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 03:32PM
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Agent 99, as was explained yesterday the football at the beginning of the universe expansded rapidly following the event called THE BIG GOAL. Football is everywhere in the universe although it may not be immediately apparent. This I came to understand while standing in goal some years ago in Mexico. Unfortunately, I was so amazed by my own insight that I let in three goals. Whoops, that bloody mouse has just run between my legs.
From james_ssmith on Thu Jun 12 03:33PM
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agentblue, yes sir, right away, leavin now, sir
you'd luv my furry balls. was your comment about football? Maybe I missed it
Where's my chicken? bok bok
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 12 03:33PM
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agentblue, "bok" is of course Bavarian dialect for "wo kommen diese Idioten auf einmal alle her?", although it sounds a bit more like a sea slug being sick.
From garethcoletranslations on Thu Jun 12 03:33PM
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England is currently ranked 9th by FIFA, Holland 10th and Greece 8th. The whole table is just madness!
http://www.fifa.com/
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 03:34PM
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heeeey, me old mate ginner is back! come to do some advertising gareth?
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 12 03:36PM
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I heard a press conference with Capello a couple of days ago when he was asked which England player had impressed him the most. His answer - Stewart Downing !! What f*cking chance have we got for the 2010 world cup.
From mpasc66 on Thu Jun 12 03:36PM
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The once intellectual james_ssmith is now a clunge sucking turd guzzler - what happened? You were once a little bit interesting.
From the_kop2003 on Thu Jun 12 03:37PM
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Aren't Mexico always ranked in the top 5 because they keep playing (and beating) teams like El Salvador (who famously lost 10-1 in Espana '82).
Is this talk about Villa to Liverpool serious?
From garethcoletranslations on Thu Jun 12 03:37PM
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here's a plan. ginner, go away. don't come back. bugger off
now that'll work you see if it don't
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 12 03:38PM
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Yeah i'm sick of all the b******s comments too, agentblue. It's ironic though, not too long ago the quality of ED's articles was consistently poor but the comments were entertaining, now it seems to have completely switched. The better ED gets, the more morons leave inane s***e comments.
I blame the Facebook profile. Death to the Facebook profile!
From kevmun82 on Thu Jun 12 03:38PM
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im sorry i've been busy all day and havent even read much of this but i have to say
I love cats
maybe dogs too
i actually saw some of the swiss turkey match, nice ball stop for the swiss goal, didnt see him trap it first
From roxydgurl on Thu Jun 12 03:39PM
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