Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Scolari, oh oh

Thu Jun 12 09:34AM

Gene Hackman would be able to pull off that hood a lot better than Big Phil.

The clock showed 67:16 in the frankly bonkers match between Switzerland and Turkey when news broke that Big Phil Scolari will be Chelsea's next manager from July 1.

Early Döorß only wishes that it had happened during Portugal's match against the Czech Republic earlier that evening, just to see the reaction of the Portuguese fans.

The statement from Chelsea that revealed their new appointment included the line "He gets the best out of a talented squad of players." Like losing to Greece twice within a month, eh?

But cynicism aside kids, despite the fact that the Portugal job is his first in Europe, the two parties seem like a perfect match.

Scolari's teams play fairly attractive football, and like former boss Jose Mourinho he has a pragmatic, no nonsense approach that creates a siege mentality amongst his squad.

The man described as "the Brazilian Brian Clough" should be enough to keep any dissenters quiet, judging by the left jab he threw at Serbia's Ivica Dragutinovic last year. Though quite what Ashley Cole will make of Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War' is anyone's guess.

'Felipao' also has more than enough potential to match Jose for enigmatic quotes and slanging matches with his contemporaries. As subtly charming as Avram Grant's quiet magnanimity was, Chelsea fans both demand and deserve someone more obnoxious.

- - -

Well, who'd have thunk it? Looking at the pre-tournament fixture list, it would have been hard for anyone to guess that Switzerland v Turkey would turn out to be one of the most memorable matches of the tournament.

As a born-and-bred central European, Early Döorß is a lover of all forms of slapstick comedy, believing Eurosport's Remi to be the pinnacle of modern humour.

So it had an absolute ball watching the torrential downpour in Basel last night that turned a previously inauspicious match into a right rollercoaster where 'fire it in the mixer' was the wisest tactical step.

ED's only regret is that the rain had not hit the Stade de Geneve earlier, in which case it would be having heaps of fun with a whole host of 'Lake Geneva' jokes. Well, that one anyway.

The ridiculousness of the conditions was shown up for the opening goal, when Erin Derdiyok's low cross stopped dead in a puddle in the six-yard box, allowing Hakan Yakin to score the easiest international goal since David Nugent completed his 100% strike rate for England by blasting in from dead on the goal line against Andorra.

After that 'strike', Yakin then tapped another shot woefully wide from the same range less than five minutes later.

Ian Wright may not be at the Beeb anymore, concentrating his talents on meatheads whacking each other with giant cotton buds, but there was plenty of fodder for his next 'hilarious and humiliating' gaffes DVD.

But, as the rain stopped, the pitch dried and Turkey got better, they came back to clinch a win that knocks the poor old Swiss out after just five days.

That was thanks in no small part to ex-Brighton and Sheffield united striker Colin-Kazim Richards, or Kazim, Kazim and thrice Kazim as he has been dubbed since moving to Fenerbahce, whose late appearance as a substitute means that he has now made more major finals appearances than a whole host of England's young and highly-paid internationals.

- - -

Spare a thought for those poor money men at ITV. No really.

The national teams of Portugal and Netherlands both drew 80% of the viewing public in their respective homelands for their opening matches.

Half of the people in front of a German television set at the time watched the Dutch pound Italy and, despite their impressive apathy before the tournament, three out of five Austrians watched their boys' impressively apathetic performance against Croatia.

Whereas in sorry little Blighty, hardly anyone has been watching, with just as many people watching that show on Channel Four that features such characters as - to quote the Sun's front page - a "flop star", an "ex-hoodlum" and a "mincer".

There was more than a hint of smugness from UEFA Communications director William Gaillard when he said: "It is obvious when one of the large European nations like England is absent we won't get the large audiences we would have if that team had been playing on that day.

"We can't expect to have 25 million British viewers because we have no British teams involved."

- - -

QUOTES OF DAY: on a record-busting 368 comment day, gpcharrion was so pleased with himself for this effort that he posted it multiple times. ED only reproduces it now to show how much he needn't have bothered: "BREAKING NEWS: DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT TIME eNGLAND PLAY TONIGHT? APPARENTLY SO FAR THERE IS NO TRACE OF THIS GRATE nATIONAL tEAM THAT WAS OUTPLAYED AND DUMPED…. (blah blah blah). MAYBE YOU CAN ALSO HAVE A SAUSAGE IN THE MEANWHILE THAT IS A VERY GOOD PAINKILLER AHAHAHAHAH"

Andywalker269 echoed the thoughts of daily alpine football blogs that are forced to subsist on a thin muesli of UHT milk and cardboard everywhere when he said: "Wow, bumper comment day today, and to be honest, I couldn't be @rsed trawling through them all."

G_hine's attempt to steer the chat away from the board's latest race-hate panic was admirable, and somehow ended up here: "But as out universe is finite, there is a centre. This is approximately where the Big Bang occurred."

FOREIGN VIEW: Seeing as there has been no mention of C-Ron so far, here's Marca's attempt at humour by reporting his joke about Portugal's second strip: Ronaldo - "I really like the White… Of Portugal!" Hmm.

TALKING POINT: Is Big Phil actually going to be any good? And has a tournament host ever exited so quickly from their own tournament? And how exactly do you use sausages as a painkiller?

COMING UP: Group B takes it's turn to shine tonight as Croatia take on Germany and Austria attempt to avoid embarrassment against Poland. Follow our LIVE comments form 17:00 UK time.

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as a Liverpool fan i think Rafa better nor count his chickens before they hatch (er, sorry...) about villa. Obviously 3 goal is a great game, but i think people are too quick to point out the next big thing, spend a gazillion euros on them and then what? but he does team up well with torres, and would do well with gerard in the middle. as for Barry, Villa are being idiots, clever idiots, but idiots none the less. is barry being targeted by anyone else?
From adogshow on Thu Jun 12 03:39PM
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Although there is no quotes from Rafa himself, i think that we could have a serious chance of getting this guy if Rafa has the spending.
That's a big if i know, because if the reports are correct Aston Villa are holding out for £18m for Barry, which would lead to a certain sale of Alonso to balance costs out.
Therefore if we did offload Crouch (or similar) then we would have to gamble all our money on David Villa and leave a winger till January/next Summer.
I know there are a lot of doubters who think we haven't got the cash, and are upping the value of our players just to scrape some money, but i think we have a very good chance of getting Villa.
Degen - In - Free
Dossena - In - £8m
Barry - In - max £18m
Alonso - Out - min £15m (only if we get Barry)
Crouch (or similar) - Out - £10m
Villa? - In - min £17m max £25m
Winger? - In - ~£15-20m if not successful with Villa
Total spent - £46m (8 + 18 + ~20)
Total sold - £25m (15 + 10)
Net spend - £21m
From the_kop2003 on Thu Jun 12 03:40PM
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mpasc66 - the same as Spurs finishing in the top four - no chance!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 03:40PM
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kevvy baby, wassssup dog? you seem upset
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 12 03:40PM
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but do we really want ol crouch out? i'd hate to see him go, even if it helps in getting Villa. he's proven himself more than helpful, dunno wat Rafa's issue is with him. the numbers seem to add up...Dossena, where is he coming in from?
From adogshow on Thu Jun 12 03:43PM
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roxy wants to see my furry balls. she needs some attention
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 12 03:43PM
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where's my bloody chicken?
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 12 03:44PM
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bok bok bok? come on baby? I could take you to a private dog show. i've been getting some meet info from adogshow. wanna come?
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 12 03:47PM
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And what anout James Miller from Newcastle? Transfer talks mentioned him earlier? wats the asking price for him?
From adogshow on Thu Jun 12 03:47PM
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probably true jude_surf but I live in hope - if it wasn't for that pesky lasagne a couple of years ago......................
From mpasc66 on Thu Jun 12 03:47PM
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apparently there a jack russell meet tomorrow in Scunthorpe. sounds great, hey?
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 12 03:48PM
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bok bok
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 12 03:49PM
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or would it be settled on world rankings?
From benjipoulton on Thu Jun 12 03:55PM
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benji, i think someone mentioned this earlier...it would go to penalties (he even linked the UEFA rule book...) i think on the second or third page.
From adogshow on Thu Jun 12 03:57PM
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jude_surf your picture is now as bad as your comments, utter poo
From roxydgurl on Thu Jun 12 03:57PM
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I don't want either Crouch or Alonso to go - but that's the way it looks to be going. I could add Pennant and Riise in that Out list too.
Milner will probably be valued at £6mill and Downing is a reported £12mill (ludicrous!!)
Personally i blame the Americans for not giving us the cash for players. A new stadium will be great, but having the players to win the league is most definately priority.
From the_kop2003 on Thu Jun 12 04:01PM
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The thing about villa is as soon as he scores some goals he's automatically linked with everyone. Literally everyone but man utd, and that's only a matter of time! I noticed Fabregas came out with a gerrardesque "come play with me" plea, but typically there's no concrete evidence arsenal are even interested. Like so many of these rumours, this one may come to nothing. How many times has Berbatov been DEFINATELY leaving spurs? Every bloody transfer window. Who does he play for? Spurs. Shocking!
I'm secrely supporting the dutch, if only because they play in orange. Do I think they can win it? Hell no.
From p_tolomy on Thu Jun 12 04:04PM
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o right i see cheers adogshow, i'd figured that only covered 2nd/3rd positions to see who qualified not for the 1st/2nd positions, but that makes sense.
From benjipoulton on Thu Jun 12 04:04PM
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kop
I do like you but you are very mistaken about me. I was away from here for about 2 weeks.I came back and there were hundreds of animals.I don't want to fall out with you kop meister but you really should take a look back at what i have writen. You won't find any of this 'bok bok' nonsense or 'i hope ED mentions me tomorrow' milarky. Totally unwarranted criticism on your part koppy boy.I hope your're ashamed of yourself. Leave james alone awell.If he wants to be a cat, let him. Now kop along back to cow corner.
From samuelbanks on Thu Jun 12 04:06PM
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I hope Cesc persuades Villa that life at Arsenal will more rewarding than at Liverpool. It's time Bendtner were sold to Bristol or Hull.
We're all animals and at least some of us have retained all our fur or hair rather than in vestigial unsughtly patches as is the case with physically degenerate @#$% sapiens sapiens. I shouldn't get so spaced out on catmint.
From james_ssmith on Thu Jun 12 04:12PM
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Samuelbanks, i haven't got the time nor the patience to go back and see what you have written. I only blamed you, tongue in cheek, about this animal thing because i remember you writing a lot of comments which were pretty non-descript.
In all honesty it is Yahoo's fault for allowing you to change your avatar to a animal. However, i will not leave james_ssmith alone because his anecdotes used to be interesting, but pretending to be a cat when he is (i assume) a middle aged man is really sad.
Cow Corner was boring me today - even more than this hell hole - however Sammy i don't want to get on the wrong side of you, i just enjoy a bit of banter (non animal related).
From the_kop2003 on Thu Jun 12 04:16PM
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roxydgurl - I can't help that you support Spurs and that they are utter poo and therefore my comments about them sucking seem like utter poo to you. The picture comment is a bit personal - I can't help the way I look and neither can you (do you wish you looked like your avatar). OK fine I don't resemble mine at all... Oh and I made you read a nice long utter poo comment!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 04:16PM
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the_kop2003 - LIVERPOOL SUCK!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 04:17PM
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vincentvegaman - Vega man you suck!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 04:18PM
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Animals have no guile except in fairy tales (in all senses on this blog). You know where you stand or have to run very fast with us. I bet I can do more tricks with my ping pong ball than agent blue or kop can do with a football.
From james_ssmith on Thu Jun 12 04:19PM
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agentblue_99 - What's eating you, chill man.
Football comment : Chelea suck!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 04:21PM
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You go James!
Football comment : Chelsea suck!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 12 04:22PM
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James, I would stay off the Slovovitz in future. It'll make your whiskers fall out, then how will you stop banging your face on the furniture?
From garethcoletranslations on Thu Jun 12 04:24PM
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bok begork bok
wowzers, the footy talk on here never stops. wish my bok would, it's drivin me nuts
From mooochas on Thu Jun 12 04:42PM
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kop
I was a fly the other day.It was good fun for all of about 2 seconds.Thing is though, im a great cat lover.I have a couple, so i'll let jamesy go. As far as the chicken is concerned. Where's my gun?
From samuelbanks on Thu Jun 12 04:42PM
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