Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

England's absent XI

Tue Nov 18 08:28AM

Following another clutch of injury withdrawals, it looks as though England's team to face Germany will consist of Michael Mancienne, Jimmy Bullard and the astonishing return of Andy Sinton.

That being the case, it is a fair bet that the following selection of crocks and cry-offs could beat whatever team Fabio Capello cobbles together in Germany.

Joe Hart (Manchester City) - Injured his ankle during Sunday's 2-2 draw against Hull. Things are so bad Paul Robinson is back.

Wes Brown (Manchester United) - Has emerged from Gary Neville's shadow for England and United. For his next trick, a wispy moustache and inflammatory badge-kissing.

Jamie Carragher (Liverpool) - If Mancienne can get in the England squad, it's safe to say Carragher would if he had not quit international football in a fit of pique.

Rio Ferdinand (Manchester United) - First John Terry, now Rio. What is it with these England centre-backs and their bad backs? Maybe it's because they are a pair of massive t*ts.

Ashley Cole (Chelsea) - Cheryl's he-WAG was fit enough to take to Chelsea's bench against West Brom, but not to amble through a friendly international. Boooooooooo!

David Beckham (LA Galaxy) - Hasn't played a competitive match for three weeks, meaning no place in Capello's squad. Some would argue he hasn't played a competitive match since 2006.

Steven Gerrard (Liverpool) - So it turns out he is injured after all. Rafa Benitez isn't happy England gave him a once-over (all that driving made Stevie's driver tired) but Capello has made his point.

Frank Lampard (Chelsea) - Terry was deemed fit to play - not so Fat Frank, who bruised his ribs at West Brom. This is a man who once played 164 games in a row.

Joe Cole (Chelsea) - Still out with a hamstring strain, and hiding behind his settee as Mrs Cole takes showers and eats testicles on I'm A Celebrity.

Wayne Rooney (Manchester United) - Has a chest infection. Skinhead Wayne needs to be told how much heat escapes through your head, as it appears he has actually caught his death of cold.

Emile Heskey (Wigan Athletic) - Another hamstring victim, Heskey won't mind missing out just because his name, not Michael Owen's, gets to appear on this list.

- - -

After going to print on Monday morning, Early Doors spends the rest of the day reading reports from foreign leagues on the Reuters news wire.

South America is the most fun for two reasons - firstly for the random sightings of former Premier League failures (Kleberson scored at the weekend), but mainly because of the staggering level of aggro.

Take this little spat from Uruguay, which has caused the country's domestic league to be suspended:

'Fans fought a vicious battle on the pitch following the top-of-the-table match between Danubio and Nacional.

'The trouble erupted after Danubio beat Nacional 1-0 to overtake their opponents and go top of the table on Sunday.

'Shortly after the final whistle, Nacional fans broke down the fencing at the tiny Jardines del Hipodromo stadium and invaded the pitch.

'At one point, they managed to snatch a Danubio flag from home fans, who were enraged and also invaded the field.

'A pitched battle followed in which rival fans attacked each other with iron bars and used the corner flags as weapons.

'Despite the trouble, no arrests or injuries were reported.'

Only Uruguay was not alone. In Peru: 'Around 100 Univeristario supporters ran onto the field and attempted to attack the players after the 1-1 draw away to Atletico Minero in Matucana. The fans also insulted the team and demanded the resignation of coach Ricardo Gareca.

'The players left the field under police protection, went straight onto the team bus and headed for Lima, a journey of around four hours, without having a shower.

'Roberto Jimenez put Universitario ahead but Jose Galvan snatched a late equaliser for lowly Atletico to the fury of the roughly 1,000 visiting supporters.'

And, as the cherry on the cake, the news that 42-year-old Rene Higuita still plays in goal for Colombian side Deportivo Pereira. And Chile have a team called O'Higgins.

- - -

QUOTE OF THE DAY: Nice to see Terry Butcher has got over Diego Maradona's Hand of God goal. Oh, hang on, he's threatening to punch the little blighter: "I'll never forgive him. At the end of the day it is not nice when you lose a World Cup quarter-final under those circumstances. It's very hard to forgive and forget in the circumstances. But it was 22 years ago. I think I'm 4-1 to get a red card in the tunnel - it would be the fist of Terry Butcher rather than the hand."

QUOTE OF THE DAY 2: John Toshack explains that he is definitively not the best man for the Wales job: "You won't see the best of this Welsh side for another five or six years - and I don't expect to be around then."

QUOTE OF THE DAY 3: Darren Bent says Juande Ramos was the strong, silent type: "I've no idea whether Ramos wanted me or not. He said about four words to me in the year he was there."

ANYONE LOOKING FOR A NEW MOTORBIKE? Contact India batsman Yuvraj Singh, who is now the proud owner of two Honda CBRs - his prizes for being man of the match in the first two one-day internationals between India and England. The way he is playing, by the end of the season he might have one for every day of the week. Sadly, he doesn't know how to ride a motorbike, and on both occasions has ridden pillion while MS Dhoni chauffeurs him around the ground.

IN OTHER NON-FOOTBALL NEWS: John Higgins explains why he does not have a snooker table at home: "If I have friends over in the night, I don't want them saying 'Come on, let's have a game of snooker'. It's like if I went home to a friend of mine who works as a bricklayer on Friday night and say 'Come on, let's build a wall'."

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