England's absent XI
Tue Nov 18 08:28AM
Following another clutch of injury withdrawals, it looks as though England's team to face Germany will consist of Michael Mancienne, Jimmy Bullard and the astonishing return of Andy Sinton.
That being the case, it is a fair bet that the following selection of crocks and cry-offs could beat whatever team Fabio Capello cobbles together in Germany.
Joe Hart (Manchester City) - Injured his ankle during Sunday's 2-2 draw against Hull. Things are so bad Paul Robinson is back.
Wes Brown (Manchester United) - Has emerged from Gary Neville's shadow for England and United. For his next trick, a wispy moustache and inflammatory badge-kissing.
Jamie Carragher (Liverpool) - If Mancienne can get in the England squad, it's safe to say Carragher would if he had not quit international football in a fit of pique.
Rio Ferdinand (Manchester United) - First John Terry, now Rio. What is it with these England centre-backs and their bad backs? Maybe it's because they are a pair of massive t*ts.
Ashley Cole (Chelsea) - Cheryl's he-WAG was fit enough to take to Chelsea's bench against West Brom, but not to amble through a friendly international. Boooooooooo!
David Beckham (LA Galaxy) - Hasn't played a competitive match for three weeks, meaning no place in Capello's squad. Some would argue he hasn't played a competitive match since 2006.
Steven Gerrard (Liverpool) - So it turns out he is injured after all. Rafa Benitez isn't happy England gave him a once-over (all that driving made Stevie's driver tired) but Capello has made his point.
Frank Lampard (Chelsea) - Terry was deemed fit to play - not so Fat Frank, who bruised his ribs at West Brom. This is a man who once played 164 games in a row.
Joe Cole (Chelsea) - Still out with a hamstring strain, and hiding behind his settee as Mrs Cole takes showers and eats testicles on I'm A Celebrity.
Wayne Rooney (Manchester United) - Has a chest infection. Skinhead Wayne needs to be told how much heat escapes through your head, as it appears he has actually caught his death of cold.
Emile Heskey (Wigan Athletic) - Another hamstring victim, Heskey won't mind missing out just because his name, not Michael Owen's, gets to appear on this list.
- - -
After going to print on Monday morning, Early Doors spends the rest of the day reading reports from foreign leagues on the Reuters news wire.
South America is the most fun for two reasons - firstly for the random sightings of former Premier League failures (Kleberson scored at the weekend), but mainly because of the staggering level of aggro.
Take this little spat from Uruguay, which has caused the country's domestic league to be suspended:
'Fans fought a vicious battle on the pitch following the top-of-the-table match between Danubio and Nacional.
'The trouble erupted after Danubio beat Nacional 1-0 to overtake their opponents and go top of the table on Sunday.
'Shortly after the final whistle, Nacional fans broke down the fencing at the tiny Jardines del Hipodromo stadium and invaded the pitch.
'At one point, they managed to snatch a Danubio flag from home fans, who were enraged and also invaded the field.
'A pitched battle followed in which rival fans attacked each other with iron bars and used the corner flags as weapons.
'Despite the trouble, no arrests or injuries were reported.'
Only Uruguay was not alone. In Peru: 'Around 100 Univeristario supporters ran onto the field and attempted to attack the players after the 1-1 draw away to Atletico Minero in Matucana. The fans also insulted the team and demanded the resignation of coach Ricardo Gareca.
'The players left the field under police protection, went straight onto the team bus and headed for Lima, a journey of around four hours, without having a shower.
'Roberto Jimenez put Universitario ahead but Jose Galvan snatched a late equaliser for lowly Atletico to the fury of the roughly 1,000 visiting supporters.'
And, as the cherry on the cake, the news that 42-year-old Rene Higuita still plays in goal for Colombian side Deportivo Pereira. And Chile have a team called O'Higgins.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: Nice to see Terry Butcher has got over Diego Maradona's Hand of God goal. Oh, hang on, he's threatening to punch the little blighter: "I'll never forgive him. At the end of the day it is not nice when you lose a World Cup quarter-final under those circumstances. It's very hard to forgive and forget in the circumstances. But it was 22 years ago. I think I'm 4-1 to get a red card in the tunnel - it would be the fist of Terry Butcher rather than the hand."
QUOTE OF THE DAY 2: John Toshack explains that he is definitively not the best man for the Wales job: "You won't see the best of this Welsh side for another five or six years - and I don't expect to be around then."
QUOTE OF THE DAY 3: Darren Bent says Juande Ramos was the strong, silent type: "I've no idea whether Ramos wanted me or not. He said about four words to me in the year he was there."
ANYONE LOOKING FOR A NEW MOTORBIKE? Contact India batsman Yuvraj Singh, who is now the proud owner of two Honda CBRs - his prizes for being man of the match in the first two one-day internationals between India and England. The way he is playing, by the end of the season he might have one for every day of the week. Sadly, he doesn't know how to ride a motorbike, and on both occasions has ridden pillion while MS Dhoni chauffeurs him around the ground.
IN OTHER NON-FOOTBALL NEWS: John Higgins explains why he does not have a snooker table at home: "If I have friends over in the night, I don't want them saying 'Come on, let's have a game of snooker'. It's like if I went home to a friend of mine who works as a bricklayer on Friday night and say 'Come on, let's build a wall'."
Morning Jay - I know, just yanking your chain. All I can say in defense of Fergie is that Brown has missed quite a few games, and Rio and Rooney the last couple or so. Maybe they actually have do legitimate injuries/concerns (this time
) It's not like they were on the bench for the last game (i.e. pretty much ready-to-play) or picked up a sudden miraculous rib injury... Rib injury = too much flab if you ask me...
From jcverm on Tue Nov 18 09:23AMJohnny and Titus sitting in a tree...
Dunno what it is with him. Missus has him in her DreamTeam despite him obviously being a liability. I think she's in love with him too. Does he have a massive member or something? Would explain some of the own goals...
From danny_saks on Tue Nov 18 09:24AMKev copy and paste it from where?? Its not difficult to work it out is it, have you ever watched a liverpool game?? How many own goals has carragher scored in his liverpool career?? Il answer your question with a question Kev, Has Carragher ever won the premiership? Has carragher ever played in a world cup final? I know william Gallas has.
From jay8my on Tue Nov 18 09:26AMI think the question should have been.. is Carragher better than Gallas now? And I think we all know the answer to that.
From danny_saks on Tue Nov 18 09:27AMEver since the hotel incident he has been known as Tightarse Bramble so yes his member is abnormally large (so rumour has it!!)
From andy_lycett on Tue Nov 18 09:28AMIf this is a friendly, then I think Mr Capello should give the kids a go. Stuff these over-paid, under-worked, money grabbing fat boys! The kids would probably show a bit more enthusiasm to play aswell. Maybe make for a good game of football to!
From mickr273 on Tue Nov 18 09:29AM33- Who would you rather be stood next to in battle Jay??
From andy_lycett on Tue Nov 18 09:29AM37 - Titus Bramble!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently he has a hugepenis
From iamevz on Tue Nov 18 09:30AMDanny on form id say Carragher but i wouldnt trade him for Gallas. I did try to say Liverpool have got the best out of him but its same old non-mersyside-based-scousers trying to refelct it back to arsenal, when i was just trying to make a point.
From jay8my on Tue Nov 18 09:31AMtough titties
From dark.soul_bullet4myvalentine on Tue Nov 18 09:31AMJay, it's hardly Jamie's (Champions League Winner) fault that England never made it to a world cup final, it's kind of like saying Jimi Traore is better left back than Philipp Lahm because he has a Champions League medal and Phillipp doesn't!
Am I right in saying that John O'Shea is currently a better defender than Gallas then... Based on you rating system?
From kevin1985kane on Tue Nov 18 09:32AMAgree with you there Danny. Titus was a useless lump when he was at Newcastle. For some reason he has a very short concentration span! Even Steve Bruce has mentioned it. Although it still smarts he scored against us!
From mickr273 on Tue Nov 18 09:32AMAh thanks Andy. So next time theres an unlucky deflection into his own net we know really what it deflected off. Not a pleasant thought, but still. I agree with Mick. Or do I? I wouldn't really care for a friendly if it wasn't the bloody Germans.
From danny_saks on Tue Nov 18 09:33AMIf I were Fabio, this would have been the best XI to face Low’s side in Berlin:ALMUNIA (first cap to satisfy his curiosity and fantasy)
CARAGHER (withdrawn from retirement – it’s country first according to McCain)BRAMBLE, MANCHIENE, PHIL NEVILE (whether fit or not). CARRICK, WALCOT, BARRY, SIDWEL (everybody keeps asking for him), OWEN, BENT.We must beat these Germans! No hard feelings guys. Fabio must use the Seria A kind of Rugby Artillery. We must be in South Africa by 2010. Up Three Lions! Ole Ole Ole Ole. Booooooooooooooooooooooooo to ED. Your awful XI.From saddiqlillah on Tue Nov 18 09:34AMAndy #37 - Depends what battle, Anything is classed as a battle these days, if its a battle to eat as many frogs legs as we can in under an hour then id defo choose William Gallas.
From jay8my on Tue Nov 18 09:34AMWales have former European giants Denmark on Wednesday. i think we will draw 1-1!
England will lose 2-0
Scotland will lose 16-3 against ArgentinaFrom iamevz on Tue Nov 18 09:35AMRio and Rooney didn't play at the weekend. Brown has been injured for a while now. Rooney as we know has a chest infection. So what has fergie to do with these "incidents" Well nothing.
From dark.soul_bullet4myvalentine on Tue Nov 18 09:36AMTitus "Dangerous at both ends" Bramble is a living legend!
From simoncowellseviltwin on Tue Nov 18 09:37AM48 - Define Legend?
From kevin1985kane on Tue Nov 18 09:38AMMick, well they say men think of sex every 30 seconds... so with that amount of blood rushing from his head no wonder he had... lapses in concentration. Thats another thing I cant get about Bramble. Why would my missus like an ex Toon player..? You do see my point..?
From danny_saks on Tue Nov 18 09:38AMJay, very magnanamous of you (insert correct spelling if you like - I cant be bothered to look it up) But youre right. Maybe its cos I hate Internation drop-outs but I'd take Gallas too truth be told.
From danny_saks on Tue Nov 18 09:40AMDanny. that is weird. There must be something we don't know about him, for your missus to like him! Must have a magic wand down his shorts or something ;)
From mickr273 on Tue Nov 18 09:40AMSorry Kev when did i say theres a rating system, okay il look at it from a different angle, lets use Henry for instance. If we go back a few years when Arsenal played Chelsea Henry had very limited chances, simply because William Gallas did a very good job marking him. Yet Henry could do whatever he wanted at Anfield simply coz Carragher couldnt get near him. On that eveidence Kev (which is marking a striker) i would say Gallas.
From jay8my on Tue Nov 18 09:40AMMorning girls
Jay stop stirring just coz the gooners have zip to look forward to this season and its only mid Nov oohh long campaign for you mate!
From fitbutfrustrated on Tue Nov 18 09:41AMIf I were Fabio, this would have been the best XI to face Low’s side in Berlin
ALMUNIA (first cap to satisfy his curiosity and fantasy)
CARAGHER (withdrawn from retirement – it’s country first according to McCain)
BRAMBLE, MANCHIENE, PHIL NEVILE (whether fit or not). CARRICK, WALCOT, BARRY, SIDWEL (everybody keeps asking for him), OWEN, BENT.We must beat these Germans! No hard feelings guys. Fabio must use the Seria A kind of Rugby Artillery. We must be in South Africa by 2010. Up Three Lions! Ole Ole Ole Ole. Booooooooooooooooooooooooo to ED. Your awful XI.From saddiqlillah on Tue Nov 18 09:41AMFBF - Yeah i know the thing is........Nasriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
.he hasnt again has he.....Nasriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.From jay8my on Tue Nov 18 09:44AMJay there is no point harping on Henry every footie fan out there knows he was the best player ever in the Prem so saying he had Carraghers is meaningless ha had every defenders measure
From fitbutfrustrated on Tue Nov 18 09:44AMI'd question Gallas's mentality but not his ability and i'd question Carragher's ability but not his commitment.
Make sense? They're both decent but they both need a very good partner to make up for their shortcomings.
From kgh_r on Tue Nov 18 09:44AMOH @#$% FBF you dont support Manpoo...okay forget the last comment....cheers. Nasri did do u guys a favour tho.
From jay8my on Tue Nov 18 09:46AMLegend - Someone whos mere mention of their name strikes fear in the hearts of friend or foe this is TITUS!
From simoncowellseviltwin on Tue Nov 18 09:46AM
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