England's absent XI
Tue Nov 18 08:28AM
Following another clutch of injury withdrawals, it looks as though England's team to face Germany will consist of Michael Mancienne, Jimmy Bullard and the astonishing return of Andy Sinton.
That being the case, it is a fair bet that the following selection of crocks and cry-offs could beat whatever team Fabio Capello cobbles together in Germany.
Joe Hart (Manchester City) - Injured his ankle during Sunday's 2-2 draw against Hull. Things are so bad Paul Robinson is back.
Wes Brown (Manchester United) - Has emerged from Gary Neville's shadow for England and United. For his next trick, a wispy moustache and inflammatory badge-kissing.
Jamie Carragher (Liverpool) - If Mancienne can get in the England squad, it's safe to say Carragher would if he had not quit international football in a fit of pique.
Rio Ferdinand (Manchester United) - First John Terry, now Rio. What is it with these England centre-backs and their bad backs? Maybe it's because they are a pair of massive t*ts.
Ashley Cole (Chelsea) - Cheryl's he-WAG was fit enough to take to Chelsea's bench against West Brom, but not to amble through a friendly international. Boooooooooo!
David Beckham (LA Galaxy) - Hasn't played a competitive match for three weeks, meaning no place in Capello's squad. Some would argue he hasn't played a competitive match since 2006.
Steven Gerrard (Liverpool) - So it turns out he is injured after all. Rafa Benitez isn't happy England gave him a once-over (all that driving made Stevie's driver tired) but Capello has made his point.
Frank Lampard (Chelsea) - Terry was deemed fit to play - not so Fat Frank, who bruised his ribs at West Brom. This is a man who once played 164 games in a row.
Joe Cole (Chelsea) - Still out with a hamstring strain, and hiding behind his settee as Mrs Cole takes showers and eats testicles on I'm A Celebrity.
Wayne Rooney (Manchester United) - Has a chest infection. Skinhead Wayne needs to be told how much heat escapes through your head, as it appears he has actually caught his death of cold.
Emile Heskey (Wigan Athletic) - Another hamstring victim, Heskey won't mind missing out just because his name, not Michael Owen's, gets to appear on this list.
- - -
After going to print on Monday morning, Early Doors spends the rest of the day reading reports from foreign leagues on the Reuters news wire.
South America is the most fun for two reasons - firstly for the random sightings of former Premier League failures (Kleberson scored at the weekend), but mainly because of the staggering level of aggro.
Take this little spat from Uruguay, which has caused the country's domestic league to be suspended:
'Fans fought a vicious battle on the pitch following the top-of-the-table match between Danubio and Nacional.
'The trouble erupted after Danubio beat Nacional 1-0 to overtake their opponents and go top of the table on Sunday.
'Shortly after the final whistle, Nacional fans broke down the fencing at the tiny Jardines del Hipodromo stadium and invaded the pitch.
'At one point, they managed to snatch a Danubio flag from home fans, who were enraged and also invaded the field.
'A pitched battle followed in which rival fans attacked each other with iron bars and used the corner flags as weapons.
'Despite the trouble, no arrests or injuries were reported.'
Only Uruguay was not alone. In Peru: 'Around 100 Univeristario supporters ran onto the field and attempted to attack the players after the 1-1 draw away to Atletico Minero in Matucana. The fans also insulted the team and demanded the resignation of coach Ricardo Gareca.
'The players left the field under police protection, went straight onto the team bus and headed for Lima, a journey of around four hours, without having a shower.
'Roberto Jimenez put Universitario ahead but Jose Galvan snatched a late equaliser for lowly Atletico to the fury of the roughly 1,000 visiting supporters.'
And, as the cherry on the cake, the news that 42-year-old Rene Higuita still plays in goal for Colombian side Deportivo Pereira. And Chile have a team called O'Higgins.
- - -
QUOTE OF THE DAY: Nice to see Terry Butcher has got over Diego Maradona's Hand of God goal. Oh, hang on, he's threatening to punch the little blighter: "I'll never forgive him. At the end of the day it is not nice when you lose a World Cup quarter-final under those circumstances. It's very hard to forgive and forget in the circumstances. But it was 22 years ago. I think I'm 4-1 to get a red card in the tunnel - it would be the fist of Terry Butcher rather than the hand."
QUOTE OF THE DAY 2: John Toshack explains that he is definitively not the best man for the Wales job: "You won't see the best of this Welsh side for another five or six years - and I don't expect to be around then."
QUOTE OF THE DAY 3: Darren Bent says Juande Ramos was the strong, silent type: "I've no idea whether Ramos wanted me or not. He said about four words to me in the year he was there."
ANYONE LOOKING FOR A NEW MOTORBIKE? Contact India batsman Yuvraj Singh, who is now the proud owner of two Honda CBRs - his prizes for being man of the match in the first two one-day internationals between India and England. The way he is playing, by the end of the season he might have one for every day of the week. Sadly, he doesn't know how to ride a motorbike, and on both occasions has ridden pillion while MS Dhoni chauffeurs him around the ground.
IN OTHER NON-FOOTBALL NEWS: John Higgins explains why he does not have a snooker table at home: "If I have friends over in the night, I don't want them saying 'Come on, let's have a game of snooker'. It's like if I went home to a friend of mine who works as a bricklayer on Friday night and say 'Come on, let's build a wall'."
Paul Schols is just the same as Carragher. They type of player that says 'its MY ball and if I can't play I'm taking it home' They should grow up and learn to take a bit of pride in playing for their country.
From danny_saks on Tue Nov 18 10:16AMJay, i wish i could explain Stephen Ireland. We need him badly, he's a very good player. I think he's probably embarrassed at the GrannyGate thing coz the press here made a big deal of it. But his girlfriend had a miscarraige at the time so the press should have just left him alone. I hope Trap goes all out to get him.
From kgh_r on Tue Nov 18 10:16AMIf I were FABIO, I will assemble the following squad in order to beat Mr LOW in Berlin:
ALMUNIA(he's been desperate to be capped by England), CARRAGHER(call of retiremet, John McCain says "Country First". BRAMBLE,(even if it is a gamble), MANCIENNE (works like a machine), PHIL NEVILLE (never a nervous defender like Wes). CARRICK, BARRY, SIDWEL, WALCOT. OWEN (deserves a thousand caps) BENT (he's bent on scoring these days). If I were FABIO, I would approach the Berlin Game with the Seria A RUGBY STYLE. England must be in South Africa 2010. No England, No fun!!!! No hard feelings guys. Ole Ole Ole Ole
From saddiqlillah on Tue Nov 18 10:17AMJohhny and Mick - I'm hurt you think that way of me! Besides, beak job did make you laugh, just a bit, didnt it..?
From danny_saks on Tue Nov 18 10:17AMFive little clowns on the circus floor
One did a somersault then there were four
From happy2bclown on Tue Nov 18 10:18AMI personaaly think this is a great opportunity for Fabio to have a look at the fringe of the squad and I hope that Barry has another great game so he can't be dropped for the next game and Gerrard or big fat Frank will have to drop to the bench. I hope the villa lads do well, Gabi could be a great asset to have come on from the bench and Young shows tons of potential I think.
From simoncowellseviltwin on Tue Nov 18 10:19AMGallas doesn't lack character, babyish reactions prove that, pampered players wouldn't have given ashit. He lacks a bit of decision-making ability but thats about all.
From kgh_r on Tue Nov 18 10:19AMIf I were FABIO, I will assemble the following squad in order to beat Mr LOW in Berlin:
ALMUNIA(he's been desperate to be capped by England), CARRAGHER(call of retiremet, John McCain says "Country First". BRAMBLE,(even if it is a gamble), MANCIENNE (works like a machine), PHIL NEVILLE (never a nervous defender like Wes). CARRICK, BARRY, SIDWEL, WALCOT. OWEN (deserves a thousand caps) BENT (he's bent on scoring these days). If I were FABIO, I would approach the Berlin Game with the Seria A RUGBY STYLE. England must be in South Africa 2010. No England, No fun!!!! No hard feelings guys. Ole Ole Ole OleFrom saddiqlillah on Tue Nov 18 10:20AMdont let keith 100
From jay8my on Tue Nov 18 10:21AMdont let keith 100
From jay8my on Tue Nov 18 10:21AMdont let keith 100
From jay8my on Tue Nov 18 10:21AMHiggins just proved he's as tight as a ducks @ss
and by the way Carragher quit because Lesaly king of spure had been injured for 7 months and got the nod to play instead of Carragher so there
From lukepanda37 on Tue Nov 18 10:21AMit might have been funny, but it was your mind that conjured it up danny ;)
From mickr273 on Tue Nov 18 10:21AMJay by the way are you from/born/live in Holloway Road / Islington? Seen as you like to dawn on the fact that I'm Irish and happen to support Liverpool!
From kevin1985kane on Tue Nov 18 10:21AMYou won't see Keith around anymore!
From kevin1985kane on Tue Nov 18 10:22AMThink outside the box
From fitbutfrustrated on Tue Nov 18 10:22AMFor me the answer is Carra
1.) He plays for a bigger and better club
2.) He is a good leader on the field
3.) He has longivity, guts and determination
4.) He doesn't throw demotivating fits
5.) His tackles are superior
From jerry_applewhite on Tue Nov 18 10:23AMSimon youre spot on there mate. If the Villa lads show the same commitment for country bas they have done for club they will be spot on. The key word there tho is 'IF'. But I rather think they will.
From danny_saks on Tue Nov 18 10:23AMkgh_r I think you're being genourous Gallas is petulant and sets a poor example as a professional footballer
From fitbutfrustrated on Tue Nov 18 10:24AM73-Careful fella are you saying you can't be brown and English??
Assuming Wes qualifies on 2 counts!!
From andy_lycett on Tue Nov 18 10:25AMLooks like fatboykeith has'nt bothered to get out of his pit yet Jay. Well done on the 100 there
From mickr273 on Tue Nov 18 10:26AM107 LOVIN THAT OH YEAH
From fitbutfrustrated on Tue Nov 18 10:27AMRun it up the flag pole
From fitbutfrustrated on Tue Nov 18 10:27AMYes Kev i am, i was born there, took my firstshit there and all the rest. I also like to dawn on the fact u harp on about football not starting in 92. Im guessing as ur the same age as me, when u choose to support Liverpool in the Rush/Barnes days they were the best/most successful club around. Just a coincidence, im sure u started supporting them becuase u liked Ian Rushes Tash and John Barnes Rapping.
From jay8my on Tue Nov 18 10:27AMDoes anybody think that when Keith said he was giving it ALL up (his words) yesterday he really meant it? Maybe theres a fat corpse hanging from a knotted toga somewhere? If thats the case I'd feel rerally bad. And Mick would get the Yahoo warning letter from hell!
From danny_saks on Tue Nov 18 10:27AMCan we touch base later on that one?
From fitbutfrustrated on Tue Nov 18 10:27AMFBF - #109 i think ur a liverpool supporter and u should let the neutrals think what they want.
From jay8my on Tue Nov 18 10:29AMwhose the better defender?
wat kind of a question is that?
we all know it is rio..
From m.nair89 on Tue Nov 18 10:29AM# 115 I'm sure its another wind up Danny. He was and still is an @rsehole
From mickr273 on Tue Nov 18 10:32AMEngland are going to have their nuts stuffed up their ar$e$ by a Germany. The reason is England has now been reduced to a team of average players like Germany, but the Germans have the mental strength that England lacks
From chaseofarrell on Tue Nov 18 10:32AM
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