Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Early Doors

Kiss and make up

Thu Nov 20 08:55AM

If last night's game in Berlin proved anything, it is that Germans are capable of caring just as little about international friendlies as England.

Most of the friendly faces we got to know and love at the World Cup and Euro 2008 were missing.

There was no Philipp Lahm, bombing forward from left-back and getting caught woefully out of position.

No Torsten Frings prowling around kicking people and smashing in 30-yard screamers like some latter-day Paul Breitner.

No Jens Lehmann, whose public barneys with team-mates and inimitable clowning are now a thing of the past.

And no Michael Ballack, puffing his chest out like Eric Cantona after swallowing a balloon and doing really very little.

Mario Gomez did play, and Early Doors can confirm that he is still rubbish, although not as rubbish as right-back Arne Friedrich who contrived to make Stewart Downing look like Garrincha.

England dominated so much that Fabio Capello had to do the international football equivalent of putting the fat, uncoordinated kid in goal to even up a lop-sided playground kickabout.

Scott Carson's attempt to get 45 confidence-boosting minutes under his belt was somewhat undermined by the almighty mix-up with John Terry that led to the German equaliser, as the pair showed all the teamwork of the Chuckle Brothers attempting to carry a trestle table up a flight of stairs.

- - -

Up in Glasgow, nobody was watching the game. Rather, their eyes were trained on the benches in the hope of seeing Terry Butcher get Diego Maradona in a headlock.

Sadly El Diego was on disappointingly subdued form, only livening up to kiss and cuddle each and every member of his playing and coaching staff on the final whistle.

Butcher was long gone by that stage, beating a hasty retreat so as to avoid touching the hand of God.

As PR blunders go, Butcher's claim that he would never forgive Maradona for his actions in 1986 was a whopper.

Many Scottish people were uneasy about having an Englishman as assistant manager, and a staggeringly bitter rant against someone who the Scots have adopted as a national hero was never going to do much for Butcher's popularity north of the border.

- - -

When a massive news story breaks, you immediately know about it. You flick through the TV channels - all have shelved their scheduled programming for live coverage of the news. Captions flash, yellow bars pop up and 'experts' are hastily assembled on the phone.

E-mails fire back and forth between disbelieving offices and homes - 'Have you heard??' - as the news sweeps the country. People weep openly in the streets, displaying emotions they would keep firmly under wraps in less traumatic time.

Serious programmes like Newsnight talk about little else, while the next morning's papers all have the same lead story - the red-tops turning their banners black and the broadsheets going for the 'massive story only' format of printing a giant double-sized photo on both the front and back pages.

And so it was with John Sergeant's tragically misguided withdrawal from Strictly Come Dancing, supposedly because there was a "real danger" he might win - which he obviously would not have done.

In a week of high-profile withdrawals, rumour has it Fabio Capello considered hauling Sergeant down to Watford, where England medics would have checked whether his pride really was wounded.

Having watched every moment of the hour-long 'It Takes Two' special last night (some bits twice) Early Doors pays tribute to the insane level of hysteria generate by a bloke dancing badly on TV.

Sky News in particular outdid itself, abandoning a story about a suspected murderer escaping from hospital to cover the Sergeant farrago.

It hardly seemed possible before now, but clearly football still has much to learn when it comes to getting worked up about complete irrelevance.

Early Doors wishes Sergeant well on his entirely coincidental all-expenses-paid Caribbean cruise. Come on Christine Bleakley.

- - -

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "It was embarrassing. We have short-changed the fans, especially with Christmas coming up." Northern Ireland boss Nigel Worthington prepares for a new career preparing press releases for Strictly Come Dancing bosses.

DEBUT OF THE DAY: Former bin man Steve Savidan, who played the second half of France's goalless friendly against Uruguay. Although any call-up by Sugar Ray Domenech should probably come with an asterisk by it, Early Doors can happily report that Savidan is a decent player, and almost scored an overhead kick last night.

FOREIGN VIEW: "Only Lippi wins" - Gazzetta dello Sport says the only upside of Italy's drab 1-1 against Greece was that Marcello Lippi set a new national record of 31 games unbeaten as Azzurri coach - compiled either side of his post-World Cup hiatus.

COMING UP: Lots of reaction from last night's games, including England player ratings as awarded by somebody who was actually paying attention and a blow-by-blow Maradona watch. Plus all sorts of other gubbins here.

There's no live football today, but you can click here to follow the rest of England's one-day international defeat to India, as Yuvraj Singh bids to win a third Honda motorcycle.

  1. Annie - Do u ever get the feeling someone really really takes loads of interest in our conversations like some sort of cyberstalker or something?? After that last lame attempt at an insult from a certain someone, im guessing they're really obsessing over me waiting for me to make a typo or something lol :-) :-D :-)....easy....easy!!

    jay8myFrom jay8my on Thu Nov 20 11:30AM

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  2. FBF - Hansen is a traitor not just because he commentates on England games (as i've said i'm a neutral myself) but because he's openly turned his back on Scotland and has said a few times now that he's not interested in watching Scotland.

    kevmun82From kevmun82 on Thu Nov 20 11:31AM

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  3. 217 Jase hunni - Go team JAM!!!

    anne_helmFrom anne_helm on Thu Nov 20 11:32AM

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  4. fitbutfrustrated, you sound like you'd like to be a boxer. Give Capello a chance: last night his "reserves" played ok and who knows he nmay actually start to get some of these over-hyped and over-paid footballers playing REAL FOOTBALL" Winning is also an attitude of mind, don't believe me just look at the success 9until recently) of the Aussie's world beating cricket team.

    jonathangrosskopfFrom jonathangrosskopf on Thu Nov 20 11:33AM

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  5. no Bobo. Your abitch! a FAT evilbitch! ;) Danny boy is not as nasty a shemale as you are my friend.

    mickr273From mickr273 on Thu Nov 20 11:33AM

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  6. I am 57 years old and have a loser job with no prospect of improving. If I'm lucky I will work here for another 8 years and retire and spend the rest of my days with my moaning wife whom I love very much. I have never been outside of England except for my two-yearly Butlins/Presthaven holidays in Wales.

    keith.brown51From keith.brown51 on Thu Nov 20 11:33AM

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  7. hansen is a monotonous twathead now anyways. grit & determination, determination & grit, grit & determination, determination & grit. he's only interesting when he's sat beside sleepinducing shearer.

    kgh_rFrom kgh_r on Thu Nov 20 11:34AM

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  8. Keith so funny man so funckingfunny its the pout it has me everytime

    anne_helmFrom anne_helm on Thu Nov 20 11:36AM

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  9. 218 - MRTWATGLANTCOWELLWANNABE.

    YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A PATRONISING SWINE. WHEN YOU ARE A SUCCESSFULL REPORTER AND TV PRESENTER LIKE MYSELF THEN YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO MOCK ME!

    WHY DO YOU GO ANDFUCK YOU CHERYL COLE BLOW-UP YOU SUNBED USING FREAK!

    REGARDS
    JIM WHITE - NOT ATWATGLAND BUT AN AWARD WINNING JOURNALIST

    jimmywhite41From jimmywhite41 on Thu Nov 20 11:36AM

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  10. Jude is Keith!!

    ljojacksonFrom ljojackson on Thu Nov 20 11:36AM

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  11. wow keith it all makes sense now! i'm sorry for slagging you off.

    kgh_rFrom kgh_r on Thu Nov 20 11:37AM

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  12. Keith - your back story is "potentially world-class" and for that reason I'm putting you through to the next round of "Fake-Factor", you are joined in the next round by all Jim White impersonaters, all other fakes please offer up your back story to see if you make it to boot camp!
    PS. Louis said he really likes you Keith!

    simoncowellseviltwinFrom simoncowellseviltwin on Thu Nov 20 11:37AM

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  13. Jude is jimmywhite41!!

    ljojacksonFrom ljojackson on Thu Nov 20 11:38AM

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  14. relax mick, don't do it, when you wanna come

    kgh_rFrom kgh_r on Thu Nov 20 11:38AM

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  15. 219 Thanks for the explanation and if thats true about not wanting to watch Scotlands games I think thats a real shame as he is missing out coz they provide a great laff! :-)

    Thanks Jay also for your explanation

    fitbutfrustratedFrom fitbutfrustrated on Thu Nov 20 11:39AM

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  16. Simon you dark horse you are apisser as well lmfao!!

    anne_helmFrom anne_helm on Thu Nov 20 11:39AM

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  17. Annie late yesterday I noticed a quick question from yourself about having been on twatglands blog ... er no! Tho I did read pierre.pierre and he clearly has issues with the twatgland too :-)

    fitbutfrustratedFrom fitbutfrustrated on Thu Nov 20 11:42AM

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  18. kgh_r no need to say sorry I am used to it.
    simoncowellseviltwin don't bother putting me through to the next round I will only disappoint myself and you by making a big bollocking of it.
    I would like to say hi to my mom and thank her for all her love and support

    keith.brown51From keith.brown51 on Thu Nov 20 11:43AM

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  19. jonathongrasshopper
    haha I was a boxer as a teenager and fought locally for a couple of years!!

    As to Capello I have no problem never had (not sure why you thought i did?)

    lunch calls byeeeee

    fitbutfrustratedFrom fitbutfrustrated on Thu Nov 20 11:45AM

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  20. FAO Anne Helm; you sound like you have some italian blood in you, so how do you feel about an Italian managing the English national football team?

    jonathangrosskopfFrom jonathangrosskopf on Thu Nov 20 11:53AM

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  21. 232 - True, they have recently! Especially under Burley. What happened to him? His teams used to play with real Passion, Grit and Determination (thanks Hansen) but it just doesn't look like the players have any confidence in him. Not the right man for the job, sadly. People are saying that Maradona has "passed his first test". Hmm, i think his first test will be when he comes up against a good team.

    kevmun82From kevmun82 on Thu Nov 20 11:53AM

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  22. Fbf vous pas obtenez chacun hier dans la nuit vous semblez tendus vous aimer un arrière massage ou un massage de devant je suis expert à l'un ou l'autre mais vous le saviez(connaissiez) déjà

    anne_helmFrom anne_helm on Thu Nov 20 11:54AM

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  23. simoncowellseviltwin you only put me through because I called Jim White a twatgland on his site. I know my only chance of making it is by cheating but I can't even do that well. The comment about my mom and calling me fat has me sucking my thumb. I will crawl under my desk for the next hour and cry quietly enough not to disturb my 19 year old boss.

    keith.brown51From keith.brown51 on Thu Nov 20 11:54AM

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  24. i think this new-improved Keith is fantastic!!!! Top Banana!

    iamevzFrom iamevz on Thu Nov 20 11:57AM

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  25. keith would you like to bring yourselfand your wife to our little sexpile we're organising??

    iamevzFrom iamevz on Thu Nov 20 11:58AM

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  26. comment 242 agreed to.this new keith is quite a good laugh.peace.those are the fruits of peace
    Johnny what did u say?Top what?Peace

    jacknforFrom jacknfor on Thu Nov 20 12:00PM

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  27. Keith I put you through because I thought you could milk the sympathy voting with your sob story, you should be grateful that someone as magnificent as I obviously am would waste valuable seconds of my time to comment on your existence!
    Also I put you through because Louis thinks you might be right up his alley!

    simoncowellseviltwinFrom simoncowellseviltwin on Thu Nov 20 12:00PM

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  28. 244 - top banana?? have you never heard of that phrase? Peace my friend.

    Simon when is danni having her next dose of botox on her already shiny head?

    iamevzFrom iamevz on Thu Nov 20 12:05PM

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  29. keith i feel really bad now.
    knowing how irrelevant your existence is and how worthless you future is and pathetic your past has been i can't help but feel sorry for you.

    kgh_rFrom kgh_r on Thu Nov 20 12:05PM

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  30. Johnny - Did'nt there used to be a kids show called Top Banana, many years ago? :D

    mickr273From mickr273 on Thu Nov 20 12:11PM

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