Champs and chumps
Thu Jun 19 08:31AM
With the fun part of Euro 2008 over and Early Döorß fresh out of original ideas, it's time to take a look at the champs and chumps of the group stage.
Being a rule-bound central European type, ED has imposed a strict quota of one player per country in its teams, otherwise it would have to rename the Chumps outfit France.
Don't expect any proper defenders in the team of the tournament so far, because they have been, almost to a man, terrible. ED would rather go with nobody at the back than some of the stiffs who have been parading round wearing low numbers these last couple of weeks.
CHAMPS
Goalkeeper - Gianluigi Buffon (Italy)
Not so much for the penalty save against Romania as for the sartorial madness. Finally ditched the bandana/neckerchief against France but was clearly wearing a blue, zipped shell-suit top under his shirt.
Right-back - Darijo Srna (Croatia)
Admittedly not used as a full-back in this tournament, but ED is sure it saw him play there once. One of those players who is routinely brilliant in major tournaments before hibernating for two years. In this sense, the heir to Paraguay's great 'Chiqui' Arce.
Centre-back - Cristian Chivu (Romania)
Only in the team because he is quite good at free-kicks, and because Romania deserve some representation for helping to knock out the hapless French. Perhaps the best of a stinking bunch of central defenders at Euro 2008.
Left-back - Yuri Zhirkov (Russia)
Again, not really a defender. Guus Hiddink has wisely realised Zhirkov is at his best when pretending to be Roberto Carlos rather than making last-ditch tackles. Hence the CSKA Moscow man has been granted licence to attack, attack, attack.
Defensive midfielder - Tomas Galasek (Czech Republic)
Don't give ED any nonsense about needing intelligence and anticipation to play as an anchor man. The only requirements for a wannabe Makelele are: pass the ball no more than five yards; and ensure you lack either the will or, as in the case of the 35-year-old Galasek, the legs to cross half-way.
Right wing - Cristiano Ronaldo (Portugal)
Come on, admit it. He's pretty good really, isn't he?
Attacking midfielder - Hakan Yakin (Switzerland)
Another player in the Srna 'big tournaments only' mould. For some reason he didn't start the opening game against the Czechs, but quickly showed he is still the only Swiss player whose name is worth remembering. Cracking miss against the Turks, too.
Attacking midfielder, part deux - Wesley Sneijder (Netherlands)
The pick of a Dutch side so sublime Early Doors can't even be bothered to attempt sarcasm. Most jusges have him first and second in the goal of the tournament contest for his efforts against Italy and France. Still won't be able to stop Holland losing in the semis, mind.
Left wing - Arda Turan (Turkey)
The sort of pacy, incisive winger that could just coax Newcastle into making an ill-advised £12m bid. They tried the Turkish Maradona (Emre) with limited success and now fancy a crack at the Turkish Messi. Only the real version is younger and better.
Sort-of floaty second striker - Lukas Podolski (Germany)
Has had to play on the wing and by all accounts was lucky to be in the side at all. The effortlessly foppish Joachim Loew will be relieved he is, as Podolski scored the Germans' first three goals. Will surely play up front against Portugal instead of the hopeless Mario Gomez.
Striker - David Villa (Spain)
OK, ED will come clean. It hasn't actually watched any football, and has merely consulted the top scorers' chart to compose the attacking half of 'its' team. Villa can finish, though. You'd imagine there might be some Premier League teams interested.
CHUMPS
Goalkeeper - Petr Cech (Czech Republic)
If we're being picky, he was culpable for all three Turkish goals (1-Got a hand on it but too weak, 2-Complete meltdown, 3-Too far off his line). If we're not being picky, he was still guilty of this tournament's signature blunder. Blame the scrum cap.
Right-back - Giourkas Seitaridis (Greece)
Picks up a Greek team award for the most gutless title defence since France in 2002. Part of the defensive line that spent 60 minutes against Sweden passing sideways to each other. ED seems to remember he was quite good four years ago.
Centre-back - Denis Kolodin (Russia)
Kept his place in the Russian side and will be on show in the quarter-finals. But ED promises you there are blunders in Kolodin. If he is anything like as bad against the Dutch as he was against Spain, Ruud van Nistelrooy will score a double hat-trick.
Centre-back - Jacek Bak (Poland)
Given their undoubted expertise in skilled manual labour, how come there is not a single Pole who understands how an offside trap works? Bak carried the can for the collective chaos when Leo Beenhakker dropped him for the Croatia game. It didn't work.
Left-back - Emanuel Pogatetz (Austria)
It was always going to be a tough tournament for the co-hosts when Mad Dog lost his rag as early as the fourth minute of their first game and never found it again. Sadly for Austria, he is still one of their best players even when completely out of control.
Oddly pale Hispanic midfielder - Andres Iniesta (Spain)
Call it sacrilege to slag off a Spanish midfielder, but Iniesta has been poor. He might have played a nice pass for Villa against the Russians but has been so profligate in possession ED half expects him to rip off a latex mask and reveal himself as Robbie Savage.
Former Southampton midfielder - Anders Svensson (Sweden)
Not good, not bad. Just what you'd expect from a 31-year-old who never quite cut it in the Premier League. Imagine an entire squad of never-have-beens and you have the reason why Sweden are now touching down in Norrkoping.
Golden boy gone bad - Tranquillo Barnetta (Switzerland)
Before the tournament, you could make a case for Euro 2008 as a coming-out party for a new generation of players like Barnetta, Gokhan Inler, Valon Behrami and Eren Derdiyok. Barnetta personified the realisation that the Swiss are not, nor will they ever be, very good.
Big, lumbering target man - Luca Toni (Italy)
ED laid it on thick about poor old Toni yesterday, so it will keep this brief. Andy Cole's supporters used to say that you have to be there to miss them. Toni has been there, and he has missed them.
Pouting winger-cum-striker - Thierry Henry (France)
Most of the French players spent the tournament with faces as long as a week. Henry's was so long it offered a brief glimpse of infinity. Showed a great touch against Italy, opening his foot to divert a free-kick past - yes, his own goalkeeper.
Useless goalhanger - Mario Gomez (Germany)
It wasn't just the open goal he missed against Austria, nor indeed his complete lack of interest in knocking in the rebound. His whole demeanour has been that of a man who knows that, when opportunity knocks, he will be in the shower.
- - -
TALKING POINT: Early Döorß sought to spark intelligent debate when it asked who was worse - France or England. Instead it got g_hine: "Without wishing to fall back on stereotypes, the French are worse, cause they smell of garlic, they don't work, and their women don't shave their armpits."
Today - Who were the standout performers of the group stage? And how exactly are the Dutch going to come unstuck?
COMING UP: Devious playacting with a talent for penalty shootouts, or ruthless efficiency with a talent for penalty shootouts? Pick your poison. Portugal versus Germany should be a good one. Follow it with us from 7.45pm.
1st
From igbinosundaniel on Thu Jun 19 08:36AMfor me definitely holland...no other team even comes close...most improved would have to be the Reds their display against Sweden was pure class and sheer determination (though to be fair Sweden were really @#$% all through)
From watsupiyke on Thu Jun 19 08:48AMhow about champ and chump commentry of the group stage? Yeah yeah I know we've done this before, but last night's David-Pleat-ism was a beauty. "Russia are trying to walk the ball into the net... by heading it."
The man is an idiot. More please!
From palli_b on Thu Jun 19 08:57AMwhere is corluka he was brilliant in the germany game he should be ok
From dpuselj on Thu Jun 19 08:58AMwhat do you get when you add Larsson,Ljunberg and Ibrahimovic together anybody???...what you get is France (tired ol' geezers who dnt knw wen tis time to quit...
From watsupiyke on Thu Jun 19 09:00AMcrotia have been the surprise of the tournamnet for me....top of their table with three straight wins
From dannickbates on Thu Jun 19 09:03AMi have always wonderd why iniesta is so pale compared to the others i mean he plays in sunny spain......maybe he is a vampire that is resistant to the sun?
From dannickbates on Thu Jun 19 09:05AMSadly have to go with the 'Devious Play Acters' on pens. Ronaldo to be sat on his back-side within 30 seconds, and spending much of the game there; arms in the air, staring up at the Gods, wondering how long left before he can start collecting his £300'000 per week in sunny Spain.
From eddie.mcilroy on Thu Jun 19 09:06AMVPERED ROSSIJA!!!! Russia will win it.... After what they showed yestarday we definetly going to win it...Ba scared Holland. At work we have a competition. You can bet on the results, only if you bring a bottle of wine no less than 50 pound. The winners takes 60%. So hopefully I can enyoj a nice collection of wine soon. C'mon RUSSIA, show that miracles do happend...
From al_pachino666 on Thu Jun 19 09:11AMHolland vs Russia promises to be one hack of a game. If both teams continue to play the way they did so far it will be end to end stuff. And it can as well be the one where oranje got stuck. But for that to happen Akinfeev needs to play a game of his life and the finishing of all dutch strikers should be on Dirk Kuijt level!
From tekumze28 on Thu Jun 19 09:11AMi have another comment and old one but i continue why do players have to spit all of the time what did we see at the end of the game a closeup of freddie lingburg spitting disgusting surley it can be stopped
From steve.1952 on Thu Jun 19 09:11AMRubbish!!!! u shd have named all the Oranje squad and name the team b as the second best. Which team is match better than us???
From atokoi2002 on Thu Jun 19 09:12AMI think Kevin Pietersen deserves the player of the Euro 2008 award for his audacity which may yet bring to an end the laws of cricket !
From ralphcolmar on Thu Jun 19 09:15AMfrance, cech,!!!!!!!!!! woo to allllllllllllll. up holand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From khado43 on Thu Jun 19 09:17AMYaaawn. Good, bad, ugly tomorrow?
3/10
Tottenham again today ED; Inconsistent.
From noreplyudimtwat on Thu Jun 19 09:18AMi would say lehmann is much more of a chump than petr cech, also kovac the 43yr old in centre mid for croatia, what a chump. Also how can u have a team of chumps without senderos he had a mare of a tournament.
From jay8my on Thu Jun 19 09:20AMGreece suck!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 19 09:27AMSweden suck!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 19 09:27AMThe winners of Holland and Russia will win Euro 2008. Ignore Spains win over Russia, if the Russians had taken their chances it could have been so different. Portugal will play act when it gets tough and the Germans will fall at the semis. Spain are an outside chance but their defence looks vulnerable. Croatia look good but no one has properly tested them and they up against better sides now. Holland or Russia for me.
From arh8260 on Thu Jun 19 09:32AMg_hine's comments suck!
From jude_surf on Thu Jun 19 09:32AMIniesta or 'In-his-sister' as we like to call him, is so pale as a result of persistant in-breeding amongst his family members - how else do you explain his freaky looking face, tan resistant skin and sublime skill? He's clearly not a normal lad is he
From agentblue_99 on Thu Jun 19 09:34AMjude_surf - parasite, get lost
From agentblue_99 on Thu Jun 19 09:34AMghinner sucks
really well actually
made my fur stand on end
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 19 09:37AMwhooooa! cutting words, jude
'get lost'
dats well sik
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 19 09:41AMIt shows how good the Dutch team have been in general when the 'Champs' side doesn't feature a Dutch defender or goalkeeper only cos the rest of the team have been even better. But how will they come unstuck? Simple. At the hands of Italy who they reluctantly let thru by beating Romania. At the mo they are so good they even win when they are trying desperately not to. But you just know it aint gonna last...
From danny_saks on Thu Jun 19 09:53AMActually ED I'd like to point out that Gigi Buffon has started the latest fashion craze of wearing one's coat under one's clothes! Its like when women wear a skirt and wear two pairs of pants, one on top of the tights... kinda! Also I found his neckerchief to very dashing, more men should wear them!
From claire881 on Thu Jun 19 09:55AMWe will see the men from the boys now! The dutch have been irresistable, but will they run out of steam! I think Gus Hiddinks magic will pull it out of the bag for the Russians, I also think that Germany will win tonight. Croatia Turkey could go to penalties. But I expect Croatia to win! Italy will beat Spain, and Luca Toni will finally find the goal. Italy always play well under pressure.
From g.agnello on Thu Jun 19 09:59AMThe Dutch will be undone by ITALIA in the semis. I have to say the chumps were: Cech, Materazzi, Ibra the zebra (lazy piece of yellow poo), Gomez, the whole French team minus Benzema, Nasri. Champs: GIGI!, Pirlo, Sneijder, Villa, Modric, and of course Larsson.
From henrikedwardlarsson on Thu Jun 19 10:04AMDan, d'ya find my neckerchief dashing?
does it give ya a totem?
I've gotta furry packet just 4 u, machocamp dude
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 19 10:08AMNetherlands all the way!
Orange is def makin it strong this summer
From bigbadwolfenstein on Thu Jun 19 10:10AM
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