Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

Champs and chumps

Thu Jun 19 08:31AM

With the fun part of Euro 2008 over and Early Döorß fresh out of original ideas, it's time to take a look at the champs and chumps of the group stage.

Being a rule-bound central European type, ED has imposed a strict quota of one player per country in its teams, otherwise it would have to rename the Chumps outfit France.

Don't expect any proper defenders in the team of the tournament so far, because they have been, almost to a man, terrible. ED would rather go with nobody at the back than some of the stiffs who have been parading round wearing low numbers these last couple of weeks.

CHAMPS

Goalkeeper - Gianluigi Buffon (Italy)
Not so much for the penalty save against Romania as for the sartorial madness. Finally ditched the bandana/neckerchief against France but was clearly wearing a blue, zipped shell-suit top under his shirt.

Right-back - Darijo Srna (Croatia)
Admittedly not used as a full-back in this tournament, but ED is sure it saw him play there once. One of those players who is routinely brilliant in major tournaments before hibernating for two years. In this sense, the heir to Paraguay's great 'Chiqui' Arce.

Centre-back - Cristian Chivu (Romania)
Only in the team because he is quite good at free-kicks, and because Romania deserve some representation for helping to knock out the hapless French. Perhaps the best of a stinking bunch of central defenders at Euro 2008.

Left-back - Yuri Zhirkov (Russia)
Again, not really a defender. Guus Hiddink has wisely realised Zhirkov is at his best when pretending to be Roberto Carlos rather than making last-ditch tackles. Hence the CSKA Moscow man has been granted licence to attack, attack, attack.

Defensive midfielder - Tomas Galasek (Czech Republic)
Don't give ED any nonsense about needing intelligence and anticipation to play as an anchor man. The only requirements for a wannabe Makelele are: pass the ball no more than five yards; and ensure you lack either the will or, as in the case of the 35-year-old Galasek, the legs to cross half-way.

Right wing - Cristiano Ronaldo (Portugal)
Come on, admit it. He's pretty good really, isn't he?

Attacking midfielder - Hakan Yakin (Switzerland)
Another player in the Srna 'big tournaments only' mould. For some reason he didn't start the opening game against the Czechs, but quickly showed he is still the only Swiss player whose name is worth remembering. Cracking miss against the Turks, too.

Attacking midfielder, part deux - Wesley Sneijder (Netherlands)
The pick of a Dutch side so sublime Early Doors can't even be bothered to attempt sarcasm. Most jusges have him first and second in the goal of the tournament contest for his efforts against Italy and France. Still won't be able to stop Holland losing in the semis, mind.

Left wing - Arda Turan (Turkey)
The sort of pacy, incisive winger that could just coax Newcastle into making an ill-advised £12m bid. They tried the Turkish Maradona (Emre) with limited success and now fancy a crack at the Turkish Messi. Only the real version is younger and better.

Sort-of floaty second striker - Lukas Podolski (Germany)
Has had to play on the wing and by all accounts was lucky to be in the side at all. The effortlessly foppish Joachim Loew will be relieved he is, as Podolski scored the Germans' first three goals. Will surely play up front against Portugal instead of the hopeless Mario Gomez.

Striker - David Villa (Spain)
OK, ED will come clean. It hasn't actually watched any football, and has merely consulted the top scorers' chart to compose the attacking half of 'its' team. Villa can finish, though. You'd imagine there might be some Premier League teams interested.

CHUMPS

Goalkeeper - Petr Cech (Czech Republic)
If we're being picky, he was culpable for all three Turkish goals (1-Got a hand on it but too weak, 2-Complete meltdown, 3-Too far off his line). If we're not being picky, he was still guilty of this tournament's signature blunder. Blame the scrum cap.

Right-back - Giourkas Seitaridis (Greece)
Picks up a Greek team award for the most gutless title defence since France in 2002. Part of the defensive line that spent 60 minutes against Sweden passing sideways to each other. ED seems to remember he was quite good four years ago.

Centre-back - Denis Kolodin (Russia)
Kept his place in the Russian side and will be on show in the quarter-finals. But ED promises you there are blunders in Kolodin. If he is anything like as bad against the Dutch as he was against Spain, Ruud van Nistelrooy will score a double hat-trick.

Centre-back - Jacek Bak (Poland)
Given their undoubted expertise in skilled manual labour, how come there is not a single Pole who understands how an offside trap works? Bak carried the can for the collective chaos when Leo Beenhakker dropped him for the Croatia game. It didn't work.

Left-back - Emanuel Pogatetz (Austria)
It was always going to be a tough tournament for the co-hosts when Mad Dog lost his rag as early as the fourth minute of their first game and never found it again. Sadly for Austria, he is still one of their best players even when completely out of control.

Oddly pale Hispanic midfielder - Andres Iniesta (Spain)
Call it sacrilege to slag off a Spanish midfielder, but Iniesta has been poor. He might have played a nice pass for Villa against the Russians but has been so profligate in possession ED half expects him to rip off a latex mask and reveal himself as Robbie Savage.

Former Southampton midfielder - Anders Svensson (Sweden)
Not good, not bad. Just what you'd expect from a 31-year-old who never quite cut it in the Premier League. Imagine an entire squad of never-have-beens and you have the reason why Sweden are now touching down in Norrkoping.

Golden boy gone bad - Tranquillo Barnetta (Switzerland)
Before the tournament, you could make a case for Euro 2008 as a coming-out party for a new generation of players like Barnetta, Gokhan Inler, Valon Behrami and Eren Derdiyok. Barnetta personified the realisation that the Swiss are not, nor will they ever be, very good.

Big, lumbering target man - Luca Toni (Italy)
ED laid it on thick about poor old Toni yesterday, so it will keep this brief. Andy Cole's supporters used to say that you have to be there to miss them. Toni has been there, and he has missed them.

Pouting winger-cum-striker - Thierry Henry (France)
Most of the French players spent the tournament with faces as long as a week. Henry's was so long it offered a brief glimpse of infinity. Showed a great touch against Italy, opening his foot to divert a free-kick past - yes, his own goalkeeper.

Useless goalhanger - Mario Gomez (Germany)
It wasn't just the open goal he missed against Austria, nor indeed his complete lack of interest in knocking in the rebound. His whole demeanour has been that of a man who knows that, when opportunity knocks, he will be in the shower.

- - -

TALKING POINT: Early Döorß sought to spark intelligent debate when it asked who was worse - France or England. Instead it got g_hine: "Without wishing to fall back on stereotypes, the French are worse, cause they smell of garlic, they don't work, and their women don't shave their armpits."

Today - Who were the standout performers of the group stage? And how exactly are the Dutch going to come unstuck?

COMING UP: Devious playacting with a talent for penalty shootouts, or ruthless efficiency with a talent for penalty shootouts? Pick your poison. Portugal versus Germany should be a good one. Follow it with us from 7.45pm.

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