Early Doors - Your morning briefing blog

What's so great about tap-ins?

Thu Dec 04 08:55AM

Early Doors awoke this morning as giddy as a six-year-old on Christmas day, and flung open its curtains.

Oh, who is ED kidding, it can't afford curtains. It flung open the stapled-together sheets of A4 paper (acquired in a masterpiece of white-collar crime) that hang down off the row of ring binders where once there was a curtain rail.

It hoped to see blizzard conditions and huge mounds of white powder worthy of a scene from Scarface.

It wanted snowdrifts so impenetrable that the only logical outcome was a duvet day and a vague and entirely insincere promise to do some work from home.

What did it get? Horrible, sideways rain, road closures because of the odd stray puddle, and a huge traffic jam as London's decrepit transport system ground to a halt in the face of the light smattering of milk floats and curb-crawlers that make up the vast majority of road users at that time of the morning.

Stupid global warming.

Had it been a couple of degrees colder, Early Doors could have spent the day mooching about in its underpants watching Loose Women.

But oh no, mankind had to go and pump huge quantities of CO₂into the atmosphere, poison the seas, chop down the rainforests, club the seals and refuse to recycle its newspapers just to spite the council and their infernal surveillance bins.

As a direct result, Early Doors is sitting angrily at its desk instead of walking in a winter wonderland.

True, it gets to spend the rest of the day leafing idly through the Daily Star and sharing its infantile views on football with the world, but come on - even feckless gits deserve some sympathy.

So forgive Early Doors if it doesn't feel much like commenting on Carlos Tevez's hat-trick last night, or his shameless attempt to claim an Aaron Mokoena own goal for himself.

For what does it matter who gets the final touch? If the ball ends up in the onion bag, does it really matter who puts it there?

If Tevez feels like awarding himself three, four or even 10 goals, it really makes no difference at all.

ED was struck by this after Wayne Rooney's tap-in against Manchester City on Sunday.

'That's the kind of goal he needs to be scoring more of,' chirped the Sky boys in unison, as though he needs to place a ball into an empty net from point-blank range to prove his ability.

In a bizarre twist, conventional wisdom has it that the scrappier the goal, the more valuable and worthy it is. The players who put themselves in the mixer and see the ball bounce inadvertently in off their backside are hailed as the true heroes - as opposed to the fancy dans and their mazy dribbles, stepovers and wondergoals.

Well excuse ED if it sees greater merit when Rooney smashes in a long-range piledriver or produces one of those sumptuous chips than when he scores from a yard out.

Early Doors's great-aunt could have followed in Michael Carrick's shot against City and she's been dead 20 years.

Could she have thundered in a 30-yard volley? Well, perhaps. But she would have to have thought about it.

The knock on players like Rooney, Dennis Bergkamp, Gianfranco Zola and anyone with a modicum of flair is that they are scorers of great goals, not great goalscorers.

They lack the ruthless, goalhanging efficiency of a Shearer, a Trezeguet or indeed an Inzaghi.

And you will never see Cristiano Ronaldo praised more highly than when he thumps in a close-range header.

But surely the only measure of Rooney's effectiveness - or anyone else's - is whether or not he helps his team win football matches, which he surely does.

It is entirely irrelevant whether he, Park Ji-Sung, Manucho or Arthur Albiston gets the final toe to the ball on its way into the net.

ED would venture that if a player is on hand to snaffle the much-lauded poacher's finish, he probably played no part whatsoever in the build-up.

And as everybody knows, the players who manoeuvre the ball to the striker's feet 18 inches from goal are more important than the glory-hunting so-and-so who delivers the coup de grace.

- - -

QUOTE OF THE DAY: Manchester City - good enough for Robinho, not good enough for Klaas-Jan Huntelaar: "There was enough interest in the summer but these weren't the clubs we had thought about. Manchester City didn't meet the criteria we wanted. Manchester United? Maybe that would have been another story!"

CREDIT CRUNCH OF THE DAY: Portsmouth are having to 'slum it' two to a room in a £65-a-night Holiday Inn ahead of tonight's UEFA Cup game against Wolfsburg instead of visiting the palatial Ritz-Carlton, which is five times more expensive. Yesterday the squad was delayed on the way to Germany after the airline they were flying with went bust.

FOREIGN VIEW: The organisers of the Homeless World Cup have revealed one player is missing and admit some competitors might seek asylum in Australia. Any international event carried the risk of those involved being unwilling to return home, tournament director Steven Persson said. He would not reveal the nationality of the player who was missing from the Melbourne event."The individual has not made contact for a couple of days, but he is an adult and has a 21-day visa," he said. (AAP)

COMING UP: Let's all stifle a yawn at the prospect of yet more UEFA Cup action. Portsmouth must win in Germany - or at least nick the mini packets of biscuits from their hotel rooms - while Aston Villa are at home to Zilina in a game of supreme irrelevance.

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You had too many attempts Jude therefore you are disqualified unlucky and all that (insert a sad face if I remembered the code cause you like them so much)
From annieh96 on Thu Dec 04 09:36AM
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mmmm Jude I dont think that plan will work Alan is in a brill mood and Bobo is working hard you will have to try and pick someone else to piss off I know the code for that
From annieh96 on Thu Dec 04 09:39AM
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morning every1,
Well, we cud be looking at a ManPOO vs Spuds league cup final, wow, both teams will be held in such high regard around europe for getting so far in such a MASSIVE club competition.
From jay8my on Thu Dec 04 09:39AM
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Peace to y'all folks.peace
conceding 3 goals against blackburn sucks.doesn't it jude?peace
i'm posting and running,got work to do.catch y'all in a bit.let peace reign
From jacknfor on Thu Dec 04 09:41AM
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What a @#$% article nothing better to write about.
From brynclegg_4 on Thu Dec 04 09:41AM
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Morning Jase how are you today
From annieh96 on Thu Dec 04 09:43AM
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you can try me Jude but i'm in a good mood. But i'll have a random arguement with you if you like
From johnnyevz82 on Thu Dec 04 09:44AM
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Morning Johnny
From annieh96 on Thu Dec 04 09:45AM
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Number 68 = Bitter Arsenal, Liverpool or Chelsea fan me thinks!!!
From antonyslack on Thu Dec 04 09:46AM
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Morning Anne, imaging my disapointment when i woke up this mornign opened the blinds and seen bloody rain instead of snow!! I was almost as disapointed as roxy when she met Jude!!!! Joking Jude!!!!
From johnnyevz82 on Thu Dec 04 09:47AM
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Are we all in a happy place today!!!
From johnnyevz82 on Thu Dec 04 09:48AM
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Lol Johnny I just fancied a snow day too just have to enjoy my half day instead
From annieh96 on Thu Dec 04 09:49AM
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Jude Surf is a sucker.
From eliotot on Thu Dec 04 09:49AM
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To klaus_julian_1:
No way Tevez is better?
Let me tell you these. He was the 1st foreign Brazilian League footballer of the year for 20 years. South American Player of the year in 3 consecutive years (heard it from some Man Utd's fans). He can beat a man or two. He can twist and turn. He can rip apart the defense. He has a very unique style of spot kick taking. He can curl in goals from free kick too (Ronaldo took most of that credit until now). He can score crucial goals. He can score brilliant and sudden goals. He can assist very well in helping teammates to score too.
I would say, if La Liga have Messi, EPL have Tevez. These two are in equal quality.
He won glory with Boca Junior and Corinthian. He was the most key person in West Ham Utd's relegation survival. He was the newcomers alongside Hargreaves, Anderson and Nani last season. Among these newcomers, Hargreaves and he played the most key role along with the team to win Utd's double glory last season. Ronaldo scored the most goals in that but Tevez scored the most crucial goals.
Show me another guy who can achieve that much a glory in just 24 years of age.
Need I say more?
From gege916 on Thu Dec 04 09:49AM
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87 - lost me fella, i don't think the penny's dropped yet
From johnnyevz82 on Thu Dec 04 09:50AM
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Someone got a goin?
From eliotot on Thu Dec 04 09:50AM
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Have you heard Johnny's band they are BRILLIANT
From annieh96 on Thu Dec 04 09:50AM
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that was when i was in my youth years ago FAAT, but when we IM next i will pass on the EP tracks on for you!!!
From johnnyevz82 on Thu Dec 04 09:53AM
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100
From kgh_r on Thu Dec 04 09:53AM
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100
From kgh_r on Thu Dec 04 09:53AM
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100
From kgh_r on Thu Dec 04 09:53AM
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morning all that ed idiot can wright anything decent what a fool im not impressed ome bit
From quinnbrosltd on Thu Dec 04 09:53AM
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Those who make goals win games, ED? You sound like Bendtner trying to explain himself to Wenger after Tuesday night. It has to go in the net. read my lips - IN THE NET
From james_ssmith on Thu Dec 04 09:57AM
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After the somewhat labopured rant about the weather - CNN's weather girls are wittier - I thought I'd pass on these from my former boss (a Liverpool supporter) to entertain you.
Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish don't have brains.
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
From james_ssmith on Thu Dec 04 10:00AM
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Go back to bed Quinn.
From eliotot on Thu Dec 04 10:01AM
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Hi annie darling sorry about the delay, whats the weather like over on trent??
From jay8my on Thu Dec 04 10:01AM
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i see you have surfaced eliotot ballickingtwat gofcuk yourelf
From quinnbrosltd on Thu Dec 04 10:04AM
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104- If the virgin deflowerer doesen't come close, surely he hasn't done his job!!
From andy_lycett on Thu Dec 04 10:05AM
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james that was great information. I can't decide whether or not to go to Lebonan for the animals or Guam for the virgins???
From johnnyevz82 on Thu Dec 04 10:06AM
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whats wrong nicyates someone replace your air bottle for Helium, or are you just being a @#$%
From johnnyevz82 on Thu Dec 04 10:07AM
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