Now that Jonathan Woodgate has decided to stay at Middlebrough he has decided to seek expert advice on ways of securing his palatial home on the outskirts of smogglesboro. He has been seen going back forwards to B&Q and army and navy stores with a large shopping list for the following items
1. 100 rolls of barbed wire fencing 2. security locks for dustbins 3. armour plated gas meter 4. emergency telephone (to Police in Madrid) cos they'll get there before Cleveland police would 5. Anti climb paint 6. Burglar/Con man/Thief/Fraudster/spiv/shyster alarm 7. Smelly Sock and Body odour Detector 8. 2 mobile water cannon units contining dettol and domestos 9. Alarm system for sewers 10. electrified drain piepes 11. 4 Watchtower with gun turrets and search lights 12. 4 RPG 7 rocket launcers 13. 2nd hand patriot missile system(convereted to deal with #$%$ and flying turds) 14. 12 Rottwelliers 15. 4 meter high concrete wall (cast offs from gaza strip) 16. Quadruple glazed bullet proof windows with finger jamming device. 17. Smog detector 18. Foot and mouth washdown points at front gate
Woodgate said - its a lot of trouble to go to to stay in this hell hole - but Madrid didn't want me back. And there isn't any spare beds in Newcastles' treatment room.