Cow Corner

First Test: Biggest non-day in history

Cow Corner

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17.22 - THAT'S IT FOR THE DAY! ALL OVER! The umpires have had enough. They want to get back to the hotel in time to watch whatever guff programme Ant and Dec are currently sapping the life out of.

Thanks for joining me. Make sure you come back tomorrow...Cowers is going to be hungover and angry... 

17.14 - The rain has got harder. Seriously, get off the computer. Go have a shower, pour yourself a Captain Morgan's, do your hair, put some Queen on the stereo. Tonight is going to be your night. You own tonight. You'e the man. No-one can touch you. No-one can hurt you. You dig?

16.46 - There is still drizzle in the air, and the umpires have abandoned all inspections for the time being. It's looking fairly bleak that we'll have any more play today. If I were you guys, I'd turn off the laptop and start getting ready for tonight. You guys are going out tonight, right? 

16.29 - Plenty of hardy fans have remained at Lord's. Why, Benaud only knows. Here's some news for you: Matthew Hoggard has suffered a broken right thumb whilst batting for Yorkshire in their Count Championship match yesterday. He is now out of contention for the second Test at the very least.

Sweet irony. More ironic than ten-thousand like spoons when all you need is a knife.

16.05 - In an effort to justify Cowers' very existence, he has changed the photo to the right. Consequently, Cowers feels validated as the slightly vague cyber-entity that he is. Cowers' motivation is currently residing somewhere in the sole of his suede moccasins.

The rain has ceased, but we would be some way from getting players back on the pitch, even if the rain stayed away.

15.43 - There shall be NO cyber bullying on Cow Corner. I repeat: NO CYBER BULLYING. Or grooming. Grooming is something that should only be done by primates and nervous men preparing for first dates. Why can't we all just get along? A spot of rain and Cow Corner has turned into Lord of the Flies. Put that conch shell down and shake hands. I would have expected better from British boys...

15.28 - The covers came off for a they're back on. On and off more often than Ross and Rachel. Yeah? Yeah? You guys know what I'm talking 'bout! 

15.14 - Unbelievably, they are showing the FA Cup final on the big screen at Lord's. Since when did cricket become so populist? What happened to the discriminating, elitist sport that considers itself above all others? That's the sport I know and love.  

14.51: I bet Doogie Howser wore specs when he was doing a particularly delicate operation, or when reading a medical encyclopedia late at night, or perhaps when forging a fake ID so he could buy a quart of whisky to help numb the crippling pain of being bullied every single day of his life.

14.39 - g_hines, at least he doesn't look like Doogie Howser. Incidentally, it's absolutely lashing down now. Raining harder than a cow peeing on a flat rock.

14.31 - andynpeters - Yes. Yes I am. If a "gag" is worth making once, it's worth making 55 times.

14.28 - Well, that was as much of an anti-climax as walking home alone after a date, without so much as a drunken fumble down an alley... The news is that there will be a further inspection at 14.50...the umpires are stood two feet on to the outfield, having a lazy chat about something.

14.15 - It's much brighter over Lord's now...the umpires are getting together for an inspection....what will the news be? THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING THING TO HAPPEN ALL DAY! I can barely chew my Breakaway... 

14.00 - andynpeters almost has it....Kapil Dev hitting four sixes to save the follow-on against England...but Eddie Hemmings was the bowler. Incidentally, THE Andy Peters? Where's Ed the Duck? 

13.54 -  g_hines - thanks for your concern. It is unfounded. Cowers has plenty to keep him entertained. He's currently working through a 24-pack of Breakaway biscuits, which is bringing back some beautiful, dewy-eyed memories of childhood post-school snacks. TRIO! TREEE-OOOO! I WANT A TRIO AND I WANT ONE NOW!

13.34 - mattheweugenefarrell suggests Viv Richards....not quite... Still raining, by the way...

13.15 - The TV boys are showing replays of 2004 when New Zealand toured England. I was thinking; why don't we replay some classic action from the past...Cow Corner style? One imaginary Trivial Pursuit slice-of-pie for guessing this blast-from-the-past...

"The bowler waits on his mark...he looks a bit concerned...can't really comprehend what's happened in the first three balls of this he comes...a flighted delivery...AND IT'S SIX! STRAIGHT BACK OVER LONG-ON! WHAT A WAY TO DO IT! ONLY ***** *** COULD HAVE DONE THAT! Amazing counter-attack from the big all-rounder..."

13.05 - You can get 2/5 on the draw in this match. The bookies are giving money away. Get involved, I urge you. 

12.41pm - And an early lunch has been called as the rain persists. Lunch officially started at 12.40pm, so in theory the afternoon session can begin from 1.20pm. 

12.31pm - Funny how the celebs are less conspicuous on rainy days at Lord's...after the pant-wetting excitment of spotting Eric Clapton drinking a cup of tea in the hospitality boxes yesterday, we haven't even seen Dicky Bird so far today. Is Dicky Bird even still alive? 

12.22pm - Simon Taufel wanders out to join a chat with the groundsmen in the middle...he has a bit of the look of Newcastle's rotund Aussie footballer Mark Viduka about him, does Taufell...with less of a penchant for pies, obviously...

12.07pm - RAIN STOPS PLAY! Cook passes another half-century at Lord's before the drizzle comes again! The brollies go up, the hover-cover comes on, the sandwiches come out whilst debates start in the crowd concerning whether it is too early to start drinking. The answer? COURSE NOT!

11.56am - sir_skillalot, no competition today, I'm afraid. Cowers is having to ration the Yahoo! branded merchandise somewhat after an overnight ram-raid on the stationary cupboard...CCTV pictures captured images of what looked like an elderly lady on a mobility scooter, loading up her basket with headed note-paper and Post-It notes...

11.54am - England 77-0: Mills over-steps by a good 12 inches as he fires one down...obvious no-ball...Cowers has always pondered the merits of a fast bowler deliberately over-stepping by two yards, just to fire down a particularly vicious bouncer to put the wind up a batsman. Not very gentlemanly, obviously...and probably worthy of a ticking off from the match referee...but certainly worth it in an effort to induce some brown-staining? 

11.45am - England 75-0: Some splendid sights in the crowd already...three delightful fillies supping daintily from tea-cups whilst discussing the merits of the latest Gucci handbag...a middle-aged woman asleep in her anorak, with a very self-satisfied gentleman beside her, looking as though perhaps he had drugged her...

Live ball-by-ball scorecard! 

11.41am - England 73-0: A few runs down to third man...barely a shot been played in anger in the opening quarter of an hour...There might be a bit of moisture in the air, but if England are to have any designs on winning this match, they are going to have to pull their finger out of their A. 

11.28am - England 68-0: Martin bounds in for the first over of the day...Cook nicks a solitary single from it. There is a collective holding of breath inside Lord's at the moment...there is a little drizzle falling, the light is dodgy...Whoever said cricket was boring? This is sport on the edge! This is the terra-firma-based equivalent of base-jumping!

11.21am: WE'VE HAD THE ALL-CLEAR! The rain has stopped, the covers have been removed, and the Big Man upstairs has given us the green light to get things started! Here come the Kiwis! Jeez...they don't waste much time, do they?  

11.16am: BOOOOOOO! Terrysmith2104's girlfriend has thrown a stiletto-shaped shoe into the works. Frankly, my friend, she sounds like a dragon. I think I speak for everyone here when I say I think it's in your best interests to dump her. Anyway, having a girlfriend is sooooooo 2007.

11.12am: Lots more chat in the press room about bad light...New Zealand Ian Smith is getting stuck in to the debate...his head looks redder than ever this morning...and his chins are growing in front of my very eyes...I've just overheard the TV producers discussing the merits of changing to an overhead camera in order to fully squeeze Smith into the shot...

11.05am: Bucknor has got suncream on his cheeks...ludicrous.... Michael Vaughan and opposite skipper Dan Vettori are spotted chatting for quite some time on the outfield...they look very concerned about something....the military junta's response to the Myanmar cyclone? Doubtful.

10.57am: BIT OF A DISASTER! The covers are on...Steve Bucknor is out in the middle with an umbrella...he looks about as happy as someone who has just had a tax demand through the post....bit of drizle about in the air 

10.51: Derek Pringle in the Telegraph shows how down-with-the-kids he is: "With players on and off more times than Kate Moss and Pete Doherty, any continuity in play was limited to the dressing-room card schools..."

10.48am -  Jacob Oram tells Mike Atherton this morning: "I need to work my arse off - ahem, excuse me - to figure out a way not to get out to Ryan Sidebottom...he seems to have the number over me at the moment..." 

10.33am - There is a lot of high-brow chat about yesterday's lack of action in the broadsheet newspapers this morning...lots of umming and arring, chin-stroking and brow-furrowing. Here's the pick....

Simon Hughes in the Telegraph: "For the price of a slap-up dinner they got 137 runs and four wickets. It was a poor show. There is much to admire at Lord's nowadays: music, excellent food and drink, and not least the three highly informative replay screens, showing every block and leave in pin-sharp colour. But the cricket was insipid, not helped by the umpires reaching for their light meters like nicotine addicts fingering their cigarette packets - although conditions hardly changed all day."

10.25am - WE HAVE A FIRST COMMENT OF THE DAY! Terrysmith2104  has hauled himself out of bed, grabbed himself a bacon butty and an Alkerseltzer and parked himself in front of his laptop for a day of international-standard banter.

10.17am - I've just taken a look at the forecast...there might be a spot of rain about later in the afternoon...

10.13am - The first news is that it seems to be dry over north London this morning; no significant rainfall overnight...we should be set for a prompt start. It is certainly a bit grey up above and a bit gloomy, but we'll keep our fingers crossed...

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