Early Doors

Jimmy’s Browned off

Early Doors

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As soon as Jimmy Bullard sat the Hull team down and started giving them a
talking-to after he scored his penalty on Saturday, Early Doors pressed
the button marked 'Goal celebrations
list feature'. So here it is.

Bullard's late
goal gave Hull a 1-1 draw at Manchester City,
and he aped the same fixture last season when Tigers boss Phil Brown made his
players stay on the pitch when 4-0 down at half-time and gave them a rollicking in full public view.

You might think Bullard's
take-off was a bit cheeky, particularly as he wasn't
even at the club last autumn. But Brown loved it, principally because it was
about Phil Brown, even daring to call it "great comedy".

ED isn't sure it
would put Bullard up there with Morecambe and Wise or Monty Python, but he is
definitely funnier than Michael McIntyre.


Bernardo Corradi's
regal touch (Manchester
City, 2006)

It's a good job Bernardo
Corradi only scored three goals for Manchester
City. In November 2006 he
hit the net twice against Fulham, and chose to celebrate by lifting the corner
flag out of the ground and 'knighting' Joey Barton with it. The intervening three years
have seen Barton's chances of
genuine royal honours diminish significantly.

Temuri Ketsbaia goes mad (Newcastle, 1998)

Not so much as goal celebration as criminal damage. Peeved
at being left out of the starting XI against Bolton,
the Georgian came off the bench, scored, and went postal. He ripped his shirt
off and threw it into the crowd, tried and failed to remove a boot, then gave
the advertising hoardings a right kicking (we can probably assume he is a
Burger King man) as shocked team-mates tried to pull him away.

Paul Gascoigne's
dentist's chair (England, 1996)

Not quite so funny now in light of Gazza's descent into alcoholism, but this was possibly
the defining moment of lad culture. Having been snapped indulging in a massive booze-up in Hong Kong pre-Euro '96,
England marked Gascoigne's brilliant goal against Scotland with an isotonic
re-enactment of the infamous 'dentist's chair',
and all misdemeanours were instantly forgiven.

Juergen Klinsmann's
dive (Tottenham Hotspur, 1994)

self-deprecating dive to mark his first goal in English football seems a bit
cheesy now, but you have to understand just how hated he was when he signed for
Spurs. He personified the ruthless, cheating, humourless German stereotype, so
it came as quite some surprise when he poked fun at himself. Other Klinsi
highlights: driving a VW Beetle and upsetting Alan Sugar by bolting for Bayern

Craig Bellamy tees off (Liverpool,

We're still not
actually allowed to say that Bellamy's
golf club attack on John Arne Riise was anything more than alleged, but the
Welshman issued a 'mea culpa' of sorts after scoring against Barcelona in the
Champions League a few days later. Riise found Bellamy who found the net, then celebrated
with a golf swing that had one foolish bookmaker paying out at odds of 100/1.


Paolo Di Canio's
far-right lunacy (Lazio, 2005)

"I am a fascist, not a racist" was Di Canio's defence after his 'Roman' salute at Lazio fans after scoring against
Juventus in 2005. In his autobiography, Di Canio said he would like a 'One to One'
with Benito Mussolini. Clown.

Peter Crouch's
robot (England,

The robot was wildly popular with the media (ooh, look at
his gangly arms!), yet instantly tiresome. Don't
do a celebration because James Corden tells you to.

Lee Sharpe's 'Sharpie shuffle'
(Manchester United, numerous occasions)

You're not Roger
Milla, and you're certainly not Evlis
Presley. Even when he was sitting on the toilet shoving burgers and painkillers
into his gob, Elvis had more dignity than Sharpe on Celebrity Love

Facundo Sava's
prop-based humour (Fulham, not often enough)

Number of games in which Facundo Sava took to the field for
Fulham with a Zorro mask in his sock: 41. Number of games in which he got to wear
it: six. Early Doors would also love to see all the 'tribute' vests worn by strikers beneath their shirts, but
which never saw the light of day.

Paulo Diogo's
ring fence (Servette, 2004)

Servette midfielder Paulo Diogo leapt on to the perimeter
fence after scoring in 2004 and got his ring finger stuck. The damage when he
jumped down was so severe the finger had to be amputated. And he was booked for
excessive celebration.

- - -

Restraint of the day: Arsene Wenger in his post-match interview.

Jeff Shreeves: "Right now, you're
not even in the title race."

Arsene Wenger: "No."

ED would obviously have said: "We have a succession of matches coming up, and we will
try and win as many of those as possible. At the end of the season we will look
at the table and compare our points total to everyone else's."

Incidentally, no wonder that Serbian placenta doctor went
into hiding; Robin van Persie visited her facing a six week lay-off, and when
he came back he was out until April.

- - -

If you have been wondering from where Graham Poll got that
third yellow card at the 2006 World Cup, we now have an answer - SPL ref Steve

Poll showed Australia
defender Josip Simunic three yellows before eventually giving him his marching
orders, and Conroy did the opposite on Saturday in St Mirren's 3-1 defeat to Celtic.

Conroy booked St Mirren defender Chris Innes, then
immediately pulled out a red card.

Showing admirable Corinthian spirit, Conroy did not even
bother protesting and just walked off, but his team-mates pointed out
the ref's mistake and he was beckoned back on to the pitch.

St Mirren keeper Paul Gallagher said: "The ref held his
hands up and admitted hjis error. He quickly changed his decision ... but Chris
was well off the park by then. It was freezing out there so I don't blame him."

- - -

As you know, Early Doors has a soft spot for Avram Grant, so
it was nice to see his familiar hangdog features back in the dugout on

In fact, he picked up exactly where he left off - losing on
penalties to Manchester United in pouring rain.

Tiger Woods has accepted full responsibility for whatever
happened in the early hours of Friday that resulted in him driving his car into
a fire hydrant. ED wants to know, would Alex Ferguson have blamed the crash on
Alan Wiley?

- - -

QUOTE OF THE DAY: Jimmy Bullard's
fabulously un-PC take on Paul McShane's
bust-up with Craig Bellamy: "It was handbags. I think he has chased
Bellers, who has wound him up again. It's
a classic isn't it? Welsh and the
Irish, it'd be brilliant. I'd let them get on with it."

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