Early Doors

“Nacho, nacho man… I want to be a nacho man!”

Early Doors

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Congratulations to Rangers for reaching the Champions League 'B' final last night.

Nacho Novo kept his nerve from the spot as Walter Smith's men sealed a 4-2 spot-kick triumph in Fiorentina.

It is rumoured that Guantanamo Bay are planning on making suspects watch the entire three and a half hours of goalless bilge as a method of third degree torture to extract confessions.

Nonetheless we expect more excitement at the City of Manchester in 12 days as the last time a Scottish team reached the UEFA Cup final was when Celtic met Porto and that was a belter of game.

It does seem that their French-Gabonese striker Daniel Cousin has spent a little too long in the West End of Glasgow.

Cousin will miss the final after applying the Glasgow kiss on Fabio Liverani three minutes into the second period of extra time.

He joins the likes of Steve Foster (1983 FA Cup final, kids), Paul Scholes and Roy Keane (1999 Champions League final), Claudio Caniggia, Michael Ballack and Leonardo (World Cup finals) who have missed the big occasion.

At least the Brazilian full-back didn't mess about with a petty yellow card - he committed ABH on Tab Ramos who went on to spend three and a half months in hospital with a skull fracture.

Whilst Rangers face a hectic month with games on May 4, 7, 10, 14, 18, 20, 22, and 24 - a busy outlook diary for Gers fans - their Scottish Cup final opponents Queen of the South don't have a competitive game all month and are currently larging it on a sunshine break in Marbella.

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David Beckham is a Muppet - official!!

Becks made a right Big Bird out of himself by appearing on Sesame Street to teach Elmo a new word.

He explained the word 'persistence' which should be interesting as once asked whether he thought that he was a volatile player, he replied: "Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side."

In homage to his 33rd birthday today, here's some more apocryphal quotes we can attribute to Becks (come on he's rich, we need to mock to make ourselves feel better):

"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7"

"I remember so clearly us going into hospital so Victoria could have Brooklyn. I was eating a Lion bar at the time"

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had"

"We're definitely going to get Brooklyn christened, but we don't know into which religion"

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Shock! The Daily Star, which can often make even The Sun and The Mirror look like a Proust novel, has Lucy Pinder on the front page and on the back page "news" that Manchester United are lining up a bid for overweight, rapidly balding West Ham hitman Dean Ashton.

With eight goals in 29 games this season it can't be for his scoring record, maybe it is just to further mock old "pig lids" Alan Curbishley.

Champions League finalists Carrick, Ferdinand, Cole, Lampard and Tevez have all passed through the revolving door at Upton Park leaving Curbs - aka The Plasterer - with Luis Boa Morte and pretty much unanimous disquiet at his regime and his incredibly dull interviews on the five-a-side pitch at the Boleyn.  

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QUOTE OF THE DAY: "Vieri's penalty just passed my window. The man should retire - which is what I'm going to do, goodnight," barny1158 shows intelligent banter is not just limited to Cow Corner readers.

FOREIGN VIEW: "As Frank will be leaving FC Barcelona in a few weeks my work with him will come to an end," Jil van Eyle, who works with Rijkaard in a fundraising initiative outs the Dutch coach on his personal blog.

DISSES OF THE DAY: We really couldn't be bothered with yesterday's my Dad is bigger than your Dad row and as a protest we are doing a El Hadji Diouf this morning and just going through the motions.

But one point Barney, we were not hungover last night, we were not on the Loud Mouth Soup until the small hours. The article was posted at 8.45am and then republished at 10.36am for missing full stop reasons.

TALKING POINT: It's Dick Advocaat's Zenit St Petersburg who will meet Rangers in the UEFA Cup. Was their thumping 4-0 win over Bayern Munich purely down to Ottmar Hitzfeld's decision to field "Confessions of " star Robin Askwith - pictured here in goal rather than the former German number one Oliver Kahn - shown here.

COMING UP: STUFF!!

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