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  • A Yahoo! User Jan 11, 2008 22:09 Flag

    Scousers Olympic Bid... Part 3...

    MEN'S 50Km WALK
    Q - Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool?
    A - Because if it walked it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons this event has been cancelled.


    RELAY
    Each of four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.


    ARCHERY
    Each competitor will be given three needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.


    DISCUS
    Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate the fastest. In addition the following 'exhibition events' designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.


    PILLOW EATING
    The contestant who can get the most pillow in their mouth after their 18 stone cellmate takes a shine to them will be adjudged the winner.


    GRAFFITI
    To be decided on who can spray the most obscenities on a neighbour's wall in five minutes - NB In order not to disadvantage local competitors marks will not be deducted for misspelling.


    BASEBALL
    Each competitor to be given a stainless steel baseball bat. Last person standing wins.



    CLOSING CEREMONY
    In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors from every nation will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife wielding locals.

    They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver side window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged 50p 'to look after their motor'.

    Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shell suits converge. The Olympic flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallies forming a circle and pissing on it.

    The closing speech will consist of the words 'Everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know' . No-one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.

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