• Middlesbrough Message Board

  • viwer viwer Aug 22, 2007 16:16 Flag

    Newcastle United fans prepare for trip to Middlesboro

    The city of Newcastle is frantic with activity as thousands of fans prepare for Sundays Premier League match at Middleborough. Medical services have been inundated with requests for vaccinations and advice on protective measures before they venture south into this infected area.
    Northumbria Police and Northumbria Health Service jointly issued the following advice for those supporters who are determined to travel to this desperate place:


    1. Notify your doctor of your intention to go into Middlesboro.

    2. Check with your health/motor insurance company to ensure you are covered for Middlesbrough(many companies will not cover MB)

    3. Buy protective suit with face mask respirator and rubber gloves, domestos and dettol sprays.

    4. Take non-slip boots to prevent slipping an falling on the vomit & phlegm strewn surfaces

    5. Make sure you are inoculated against all modern day plagues.

    6. On the day, wear adult diaper to prevent the need and risks of entering any toilet in Middlesbrough

    7. Be aware: Most first time visitors to Mbro on return report nightmares and/or hallucinations for up to a month afterwards

    8. Take all of your own food and drink do not drink the water - or beer -it's crap

    9. On day of match go directly to stadium - After match has ended (Newcastle winning 2-0 Owen, Viduka scoring) head by the most direct route out of Middlesbrough

    10. If walking in street in Mbro do not exhibit any signs of affluence (polished shoes/comb/ money).

    11. If approached by aggressive Smoggie types - showing them a bar of soap or a Jobseekers Application Form seems to act as a deterrent

    12. Avoid eye contact with ET look-alikes

    13. If caught in Mb after dark climb the nearest lamppost and remain there until morning before attempting escape

    14. Do not be tempted to get involved with any smoggies in "business transactions" particularly involving the following items:
    • Military hardware (105mm howitzers, rocket launchers)
    • Exotic substances
    • Livestock




    15. It is not recommended that you travel by car. If you want to take the risk traveling by car ( *remember there are no known safe parking areas in Moro) - upon deciding on a parking space remove your car tax disk (rare item in Moro) -syphon the fuel from the tank into a metal container and store it in the boot. Apply windolene to the inside of the windows, Jack up the car and take the wheels off and secure them in the boot of the vehicle along with any other fixtures that can be removed with a crow bar (mirrors/door handles/windscreen wipers/exhaust/bumper/ number plates). In the likely event of your car being stolen/broken into: make sure you have book alternative means of transport available.

    16. Only use main highways to enter Middlesboro - bandits on horse back often operate on small side roads.

    17. Do not stop at check points manned by people with masks You have probably entered a No Go area (quickly turn around or reverse - if necessary abandon the vehicle and make your getaway on foot)


    18. On return to Newcastle dispose of protective clothing and in the incinerator set up at either side of the High Level bridge/Tyne tunnel

    19. On arrival home immerse yourself in bath full of triple strength sheep dip for at least 45 minutes) preferably head under the water with mask and snorkel. As an extra precaution shave all hair from the body and clean all body orifices with cotton buds soaked in domestos.(Drink plenty of water)/

    20. Following your return home if you suffer from itching, rashes, diarrhea, body lice - report to your doctor immediately/

    SortNewest  |  Oldest  |  Most Replied Expand all replies
    • How many posts of mine can you find on the NUFC board?

      1-5
      6-10
      11-20
      21+

      I´ll give you a hint it´s not over 5 times.

      How many times have you been over here?

      10+
      20+
      30+
      Every Day

      So who is more interested in who?

      I am glad that you read my posts to see if I am stabbing at you. I hope you have not been too offened, we would want that now, would we?

      Good luck with the rest of the season provided you finish below us!

    • Yeah!?!

      Whatever Doug?!? ;o)

      I'll enjoy my colouring in session and playing in the sandpit all the more now, just in the pure satisfaction that you've really spat your dummy and threw your rattle across the room......YET AGAIN!!!

      Your concerned about me coming in this Boro forum? really? awwwww bless! that shows you care then? You know, when you post stuff in the NUFC forum, I just tend to laugh at your contribution, because its usually a load of rubbish with a heckle aimed at me amoungst it.

      Please try and get over yourself man, I'll wager I can stop posting insults in here quite easily and talk football, but I doubt you could do the same in the NUFC forum without having a stab at me somewhere in the message content.

      Anyhow the 2-2 result between Boro & the Toon is over and done with, and all history now! I wish Boro a competitive and progressive season in the Premiership. Good luck.

    • WHAAAAA HAAAAA WHHAAAA he

      Nice bite Jabber, HOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE,

      I get you every time.

      But if I spend more time worring about you lot why was this string start by NUFC and has you coming over here and also commenting. Doesn´t this not make you more interested in us?

      Or are we living the world of back to front today?

      What did you say "Colouring in at 3 followed by sand pit at 4?" My you are boy lucky today.

    • Doug, nice bite mate!

      Thanks.

      Post as many STATS as you like, Boro SHOULD HAVE more in their favour, as it IS a HOME GAME for them! or are you going to come up with some stupid excuses that Boro shouldnt try even harder to perfom on home turf?

      I especially liked your "N´Zogbia will never score a goal like that again. Solo class which saved your poor teams blushes" -Now! just how sick will you be if he bangs a few more like that in this season and proves you wrong?

      "Woodgate couldn´t handle Martins? He got subbed off cos he was in Woodgates pocket" - Is that why Martins was subbed? was it? Hmmmm? are you "Big Sam" now or something?

      Yeah Woodgate had such a great game? didnt he? ha ha ha ha! (can you smell the sarcasm?) Martins did run rings around Woody, had you actually watched the match you would have clearly seen that (listen to it on the radio did we?), and if Woodgate was so great, explain why he was the one who should have stopped Viduka backing up and scoring that goal too! Yeah, GREAT Woodgate performance. ;o)

      I'm really loving your angry reply Doug, its just gave me more reason to wind you up & post more micky taking!

      Lets get onto the match attendance shall we? as for the lack of NUFC fans bothering to go to the Riverside? well? after last seasons cut back in allocated tickets to the Geordies, all because of the "oh! the Geordies were standing last season" incident who can blame us for not bothering?

      Didnt stop you idiots doing it in your own ground throughout the UEFA Cup though? did it?

      I've told you before, theres a whole host of Geordies who dont class your lot as rivals, or this Tyne Tees thing being a PROPER Derby match.

      Smoggies are like Mackems in one way, they spend more time talking about and slagging off NUFC and Newcastle itself & Geordies etc, than they do putting some attention into the club they supposedly support & that dump of a place its housed at!

      I'd be more concerned about the lack of HOME supporters at these Boro matches myself, mate, its speaks in volumes about the useless support the people from Boro offer their local team.

      Enjoy.

    • Here we go Mr Jibber Jabber Fool:

      Point by point.

      Look at the game stats

      http://www.skysports.com/football/match_report/0,19764,11065_2861136,00.html

      We had more shots on target, more shots off target, more corners, massively better passing, completing a massive 90% of our tackles, thumped you on possession of the ball, won on territory.

      Lost on fouls, and offsides and shots blocked.

      Won on yellow cards!

      So based on the "game you were watching", was it in colour on the telly or did you get confused as to which team to support?

      The only trouble we had was that you went up against us with 2 well taken but against the run of play goals. Had we used our advantage and scored when we were up you would have been spanked.

      Had you not had 2 solo bits of class, cos as a team you had none on the weekend, this conversation would be a whole lot different.

      Lovely to see Vids score - If you think so. When he´s 35 and taking home 100k a week I´ll ask you how big your smile is.

      Mido oh he´s score 2 played 2 not 1 and 3.

      N´Zogbia will never score a goal like that again. Solo class which saved your poor teams blushes.

      Boro underperformed? Tackle completion 90% passing 76% Look at the link you were second to everything. Thank you for saying we under performed when we spanked you on the key stats. I am glad you can see the level of performances we are headed for.

      Woodgate couldn´t handle Martins? He got subbed off cos he was in Woodgates pocket. One break away with a #$%$ shot and you think he is winning the battle? Why did he get taken off? Idiot.

      Full ground? How many empty seats in your end? For such a well supported club?

      Boro did not get a hammering like you thought. We played so much better than you esp in the second half. Yes we were poor in the first 15 min which was a pity but how we improved and made you lot look like monkeys. If you are so strong how did you let that happen?

      We did earn a point but I feel we dropped 2. You were there with all you usual lack of application of the ability you boast about having. We played some great football but were short on confidence in the first 20 min. We could have crumbled after the goal but our football improved and we deserved more from the game. Did your football improve after your goal? Oh no it didn´t, did it...funny that.

      Not to worry I am sure you will win something this season.

    • N’Zogbia hit a cracker, unstoppable!
      I freely admit that Newcastle looked the more skilful side and looked more dangerous going forward.
      So they should be with the money spent.

      Facts speak for themselves though; we had more possession, shots on target, shots off target, corners. http://www.skysports.com/football/match_report/0,19764,11065_2861136,00.html

      We played with more passion and desire…. yes being at home and with half our team being local lads this is only to be expected.

      Newcastle will take a few more games to gel, its normal when you have some new players and a new manager. Just hope you don’t get the injury problems as bad as last season and you should finish in the top ten this season easily.

      As for Mido and the away fans… shouting “Mido the Paedo” & “Mido has a bomb yer know” only seemed to gee him up to score a really well took goal….you remember how he controlled the ball (held off Taylor like he was a junior player) , rounded Harper (easily) and flicked the ball in.
      Arca suffered the same sort of abuse, but just as you were drooling at the thought of Viduka winning the game…O dear!!
      But anyway no hard feelings for shouting abuse at our players…....it certainly did the trick for us.
      Perhaps one or two of you should keep your big traps shut in future…for your own sakes though not ours ; )

    • You obviously watched a different game to everyone else in the Riverside? Ha ha ha ha!

      Boro were VERY LUCKY to get one point, so smoggies, count your blessings that your team dug in for you lot, and managed not to lose all 3 points.

      Boro are expected to win games at home you know? but I guess its to be expected that Boro getting a draw at home against NUFC is their BIG RESULT of the season! Ha ha ha!

      It was lovely to see Viduka bang a cracker of a goal in against his former club! That SILENCED the boo boys and Viduka verbal bashers!!! ha ha ha ha ha!

      N'Zogbia's goal was a beauty too, he couldnt have banged on in better if he'd tried.

      I'm loving the joy and glee that you lot are clearly getting from NUFC players getting injured at Boro, it clearly shows the highlights you can take from your OWN players performances from the fixture? (note the sarcasm)

      Apart from Mido, the Boro team really underperformed on home turf, Arca played well though, and I laughed at the runaround that Woodgate got from Martins, he couldnt cope with his speed! I bet part of Woodgate wishes he'd re-signed for the Toon now!?!

      Boro only showing some determination after conceading goals is a worrying sign, they never looked like winning the fixture from the kick off, and if your honest about this, you should be in agreement.

      Please take note on the return venue at St James Park, there will be at least 52,000 people there to see a "supposed" North Eastern Derby game, the Boro fans yet again FAILED to fill their stadium, and were EASILY outsung by a few Geordies.

      You really need to be beating NUFC to make this claim to being the Top North Eastern Club, something which Boro are clearly not, but I'll give credit where credits due, Boro didnt get the hammering that I thought they would.

      So, well done Smoggies you earned a good point.

    • i am going to the match.does anybody know where I might be able to drop off old clothing and scraps of food as a humane gesture towards the folk of middlesboro?

    • Sounds like a nice place

    • You sure these aren´t the warnings that come with sleeping with your family Mini Muscle and you have just cleverly changed your sisters and mothers name with Boro? See below

      1. Notify your doctor of your intention to go into female family members. DO NOT GO IF CONSIDERING MALE..

      2. Check with your health insurance company to ensure you are covered for sex with whores

      3. Buy protective suit with face mask respirator and rubber gloves, domestos and dettol sprays and double strength condoms

      4. Take non-slip boots to prevent slipping and falling inside.

      5. Make sure you are inoculated against all modern day plagues.

      6. On the day, wear adult diaper to prevent the need and risks of entering any family member

      7. Be aware: Most first time visitors to his sister on return report nightmares and/or hallucinations for up to a month afterwards

      8. Take all of your own food and drink do not drink from their cup

      9. On "day of match" go directly to sporting arena- After "match" has ended head by the most direct route out of her.

      10. If walking in street to meet family do not exhibit any signs of affluence (polished shoes/comb/ money).

      11. If approached by aggressive brothers- showing them a bar of soap or a Jobseekers Application Form seems to act as a deterrent

      12. Avoid eye contact with ET look-alikes (half brother)

      13. If caught in sister after dark climb the nearest lamppost and remain there until morning before attempting escape

      14. Do not be tempted to get involved with any family members in "business transactions" particularly involving the following items:
      • Military hardware (105mm howitzers, rocket launchers)
      • Exotic substances
      • Livestock
      Family babies

      15. It is not recommended that you travel by car. If you want to take the risk traveling by car - upon deciding on a parking space remove your car tax disk -syphon the fuel from the tank into a metal container and store it in the boot. Apply windolene to the inside of the windows, Jack up the car and take the wheels off and secure them in the boot of the vehicle along with any other fixtures that can be removed with a crow bar (mirrors/door handles/windscreen wipers/exhaust/bumper/ number plates). In the likely event of your car being stolen/broken into: make sure you have book alternative means of transport available. Escape is normally required

      16. Only use main highways to enter her - bandits have made the back passage unsafe

      17. Do not stop at check points manned by people with masks You have probably entered a No Go area (quickly turn around or reverse - if necessary abandon the vehicle and make your getaway on foot)


      18. On return home dispose of protective clothing and in the incinerator, brand and lighter fluid are recommended for personal hygiene

      19. On arrival home immerse yourself in bath full of triple strength sheep dip for at least 45 minutes) preferably head under the water with mask and snorkel. As an extra precaution shave all hair from the body and clean all body orifices with cotton buds soaked in domestos.(Drink plenty of water)/

      20. Following your return home if you suffer from itching, rashes, diarrhea, body lice - Unlucky its probably uncurable

    • View More Messages