Middlesbrough Message Board
Exclusive! last moments of SA reign at Newcastle
*Recording from secret camera planted in NUFC Chairman's office by an Arab sheik at fat Freddy Shepherd's leaving do.
Mike Ashley (MA) NUFC Owner
Sam Allardyce (SA) manager
MA ...Sam it all looks a shambles to me.
SA.. I'm the manager
MA .. And I'm the owner and I don't like pumping million of pounds in to see tons of shite pumped out.
SA I need time.. It took a few years to perfect the up and under technique at Bolton
MA. There doesn't seem to be any ups and it looks as though were going under....
SA .. I won't resign - I'm the manager.
MA Well I'm not happy something has got to change..And what about Michael Owen?
SA Is that the lad I always see in the bookies with the Liverpool shirt on?
MA Yes. That's him
SA Aah.. I thought that was Jonny Wilkinson
MA Jonny Wilkinson is the rugby player.
SA. What difference does that make?
MA Listen Sam.... we need to move on..
SA.. I won't resign. I was second on the list next to Steve McLaren for the England manager's job.
MA I'm afraid that's like saying you came second to a pig in a beauty contest.
SA. I'm top of my trade.
MA. Oink! Oink!
SA I won't quit.
MA Alright Sam, But as owner and investor of the business I deem it necessary to bring my personal inputs to your running of the football squad. With this in mind I am bring in old tea lady Ethel to advise on the team tactics + I have a few old Mr. Motivator Videos which should bring about some immediate improvement. I am also inviting the manager of Blyth Spartans, Albert Scumball down to give you some lessons on personal presentation.
SA I won't 'ave it... I won't f*****g 'ave it!
MA Does that mean you're resigning Sam?
SA I won't resign.. I came second to Steve Mclaren for the England manager's job
MA Oink! Oink!
SA (now sat with lawyer next to him) I won't resign.... but how much will you give me if I do?
MA. What you were worth Sam.
SA (after a whisper in his ear from his lawyer) remember... I came second to Steve McLaren for the England manager's job.
MA.. Oink! How about...45 Quid plus train ticket back to Bolton.
SA (after long whisper with lawyer) that is totally unacceptable I am the manager -Who has NOT done his job and am on a 3 year contract.
MA - How about 5 million quid
SA. (After short whisper from lawyer) I'm off!
MA- Sam. before you go I just want to say to you......
MA Oink! F****** Oink!.
The cast in order of appearance
Mike Ashley...............played by...............Tony Blair
Sam Allardyce...........................................Benny ( from Crossroads)
Lawyer......................................................Lord Jeffrey Archer